i've finished the hat project

[code monkey]

i don't know where this belongs or if it even belongs on the forum at all. you all have been so kind and understanding of me and i'm probably taking advantage. notice that i'm not stopping.

i finished the hat project the week before last. a set of 22 baby hats to a hospital or birthing center in every state plus 5 extra sets to ny and 1 extra to oregon in elliot's name. 1,232 hats. a number of you helped me find a recipient in your states and i thank you again. as i was working on the last few sets i started to have a feeling of profound sadness. almost as though i were learning of his death all over again. confluence of events? the projects from hell were going on around then and there have been some other difficulties. i've felt that with the end of the hat project something else is going. when i started i had the thought that if i completed the project elliot would be returned to me. i knew at the time that this was not a rational thought. (not, alas, my least rational one either.) we don't live in fairyland afterall.

i'm not going to forget him. i'll continue doing things in his name; the fund at his college, the clarion scholarships, the donation to the delphian school. i've always done some knitting for donations and i'll keep on. i'll work for the purple hat project - an educational project that teaches new parents that some babies are colicy and will scream their little heads off. we went through a period of him crying at night. nothing seemed to be wrong - he wasn't hungry, didn't need a chage - he just cried. a tour of the house with commentary on the sights and some rock&roll(michael's rendition of barbara ann was a favorite) usually did the trick. purple's an acronym for the type of crying and i forget the details. no, it isn't a reference to the color the baby's face turns. i guess it's the change that seems like leaving him. with a break or 2 for making gifts, the hats were the only things that i made for nearly 3yrs. i know that if he knew of any of this elliot would be shaking his head. damn, i miss my son.

[Swift]

Wow. 1232 baby hats.

[pumpkinpi]

Congratulations, what an accomplishment.

Elliot's spirit lives on in part in our house, every time we read one of his books you shared with us. Two nights ago it was the one about the crocodile...

[FZR1KG]

Feel free to let us know what you're up to.
We like knowing and like swift said, wow.
That's a lot of hats!

[brite]

I was shopping for Cookie's little one the other day, and I saw a bunch of baby hats... and I thought of your project, and was wondering where you were at. It's weird, to go into the baby department and not melt down, now that I'm a grandma... I got a ton of Cookie's clothes from garage sales, I just couldn't do baby things at the stores. Especially at Yule. Now it's just a thing, you know?

I can tell you this, and I know I've told you before... There will come a time when the thought of them won't drive you to your knees. I promise you this. It's not that you will have forgotten them, or that you love and miss them any less, but that the pain has lessened enough that you can finally breathe. Sean's been gone 27 years this past June, and there isn't a day that I don't think of her, and there are days when I am still driven to my knees at the thought of her, but I have more days that I remember the day she peed on my mother and laughed, and I smile.

We are so proud of the things that you have done in both Elliot's name and in Mike's. You have honored them in the ways that would have made them proudest. But most of all... remember that we love you, and that even though it's the best that we can do at the moment, we wrap you up in virtual hugs.

[pumpkinpi]

I was shopping for Cookie's little one the other day, and I saw a bunch of baby hats... and I thought of your project, and was wondering where you were at. It's weird, to go into the baby department and not melt down, now that I'm a grandma... I got a ton of Cookie's clothes from garage sales, I just couldn't do baby things at the stores. Especially at Yule. Now it's just a thing, you know?

I can tell you this, and I know I've told you before... There will come a time when the thought of them won't drive you to your knees. I promise you this. It's not that you will have forgotten them, or that you love and miss them any less, but that the pain has lessened enough that you can finally breathe. Sean's been gone 27 years this past June, and there isn't a day that I don't think of her, and there are days when I am still driven to my knees at the thought of her, but I have more days that I remember the day she peed on my mother and laughed, and I smile.

We are so proud of the things that you have done in both Elliot's name and in Mike's. You have honored them in the ways that would have made them proudest. But most of all... remember that we love you, and that even though it's the best that we can do at the moment, we wrap you up in virtual hugs.

Virtual hugs to you too, brite. What you shared about Sean brought tears to my eyes.

[brite]

Virtual hugs to you too, brite. What you shared about Sean brought tears to my eyes.

Bah... Sean was... one of those babies that developed a sense of humor very early on. David (SonOBrite), at 18 months old, was like many 18 month olds, a confirmed nudist. And I had taken both kids into the shower with me, since that was the only way I was going to get a shower. I had Sean wrapped up in a towel, in a laundry basket (so she was off the floor, but safe) and I was at least in my underwear, chasing David, trying at least to get a diaper on him, when my mother came to the door to see if we were going to church with her... She walked into my mayhem... so she grabbed Sean got some clothes and a diaper for her (she was about 12 weeks old at the time) and sat down on the couch with her, and I finally had David pinned in the bedroom and was wrestling him to the ground and getting him dressed, and I heard this very plaintive "Awww Seanie!!!!!!!!!!!!" and this little laugh coming from my living room.
Sean had peed through the towel, through Mom's skirt, slip and pantyhose and soaked Mom... and then she (Sean) laughed about it...
That was my girl...
Cookie was a lot more subtle... LOL

[SciFi Chick]

And that little anecdote brought tears to my eyes... life it's so tragically beautiful no matter how short or long.

[code monkey]

thank you, everyone.

Lyle, Lyle crocodile pumpkin? that was a favorite and I 'm so glad to hear that your children are enjoying it.

brite, thank you for sharing stories about your dear wean. I 've been up and down. I can't get over the number of people I've run into who've endured the death of a child. the pain may get less sharp or less frequent but it never goes away.

swift, also 9 purple hats.

[brite]

the pain may get less sharp or less frequent but it never goes away.

No... it doesn't... But if it does go away... I'll let you know... Since I'm 25+ years into this...