Jewish Zodiac (this made me LOL)

[Loresinger]

http://www.thechinesequest.com/2014/07/jewish-zodiac/
The Jewish Zodiac Placemat

jewish-zodiacSurfing the web I came across a website that sells Jewish zodiac placemats. I nearly plotzed!! I wrote the site’s owner for permission to use the image and his description of the Jewish Zodiac. It’s available in the form of a laminated placemat. I think EVERY dining room table should have six or a dozen of these Jewish zodiac placemats. Oy gavalt!

Their hilarious parody of the Chinese zodiac placemat has all twelve deli food images and text… the whole megillah. You’ll laugh your tukhus (tushy) off reading about each symbol, and the images will give you a hankering for deli. You’ll not only want to get a set for your entire family, but for your friends too! And for a mere $5.00 each you’re practically paying wholesale. So nu? Go over there and order your set of Jewish zodiac placemats now!

Description of the 12 signs of the Jewish Zodiac:

CHICKEN SOUP
1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003
You’re a healer, nourishing all whom you encounter. We feel better just being in your presence. Mothers want to bring you home to meet their children: resist this at all costs. Compatible with Bagel and Knish.

EGG CREAM
1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004
You’ve got a devious personality since you’re made with neither eggs nor cream. Friends find your pranks refreshing; others think you’re too frothy. Compatible with Blintz, who also has something to hide.

CHOPPED LIVER
1933, 1945, 1957, 1969,1981, 1993, 2005
People either love you or hate you, making you wonder “what am I, chopped liver?” But don’t get a complex, you’re always welcome at the holidays! Bagel’s got your backside.

BLINTZ
1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006
Creamy and dreamy, you’re rightfully cautious to travel in pairs. You play it coy but word is with the right topping you turnover morning, noon and night. Compatible with Schmear.

LATKE
1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007
Working class with a grating exterior, you’re a real softie on the inside. Kinda plain naked but when dressed up you’re a real dish. Compatible with Schmear’s cousin Sour Cream.

BAGEL
1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008
You’re pliable and always bounce back, although you feel something’s missing in your center. If this persists, get some therapy. Compatible with Schmear and Lox. Latke and Knish, not so much.

PICKLE
1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009
You’re the perfect sidekick: friends love your salty wit and snappy banter but you never overshadow them. That shows genuine seasoning from when you were a cucumber. Marry a Pastrami later in life.

SCHMEAR
1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010
You blend well with others but often spread yourself too thin. A smooth operator, you could use some spicing up now and then. Compatible with Bagel and Lox. Avoid Pastrami – wouldn’t be kosher.

PASTRAMI
1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011
Brisket’s hipper sibling, always smokin’ and ready to party. You spice up life even if you keep your parents up at night. Compatible with Pickle, who’s always by your side.

BLACK AND WHITE
1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012
Kids love you but make up your mind! Are you black or white? Cake or cookie? You say you’re “New Age,” all yin & yang. We call it “bi-polar.” Sweetie, you’re most compatible with yourself.

KNISH
1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013
Flaky on the surface, you’re actually a person of depth and substance. Consider Medical or Law School but don’t get too wrapped up in yourself. Compatible with Pickle. Avoid Lox, who’s out of your league.

LOX
1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014
Thin and rich, you’re very high maintenance: all you want to do is bask in the heat getting some color. Consider retiring to Boca. Compatible with Bagel and Schmear although you top them both.

Humbly submitted for your consumption,

[Sigma_Orionis]

Reading this made me hungry, anyone for Pizza?

[FZR1KG]

Reading this made me hungry, anyone for Pizza?

You can't have cheese with meat on a kosher pizza.
Mind you I like cheese'less pizza as it has far more flavour and the flavour is sharper as well.
Plus it's not as fattening.
But I like ham and bacon on it so that kind of spoils it kosher wise.

[Swift]

Funny thing, I find it just about as accurate as the Chinese zodiac. According to it, I'm:

BLINTZ
1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006
Creamy and dreamy, you’re rightfully cautious to travel in pairs. You play it coy but word is with the right topping you turnover morning, noon and night.

No, not even.

Actually, I'm almost born in 1959 (7 days shy), and that is closer:

LATKE
1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007
Working class with a grating exterior, you’re a real softie on the inside. Kinda plain naked but when dressed up you’re a real dish.

[Swift]

Reading this made me hungry, anyone for Pizza?

Goy

[code monkey]

Reading this made me hungry, anyone for Pizza?

You can't have cheese with meat on a kosher pizza.
Mind you I like cheese'less pizza as it has far more flavour and the flavour is sharper as well.
Plus it's not as fattening.
But I like ham and bacon on it so that kind of spoils it kosher wise.

1. sigma said pizza. how do you know that he wasn't thinking of a plain pizza or one with only vegetable toppings?
2. the ham and bacon are out; with or without the pizza.

[FZR1KG]

1. sigma said pizza. how do you know that he wasn't thinking of a plain pizza or one with only vegetable toppings?

Because he's not Jewish and I'm betting he has cheese with all is beef and chicken tacos.

2. the ham and bacon are out; with or without the pizza.

Well, I made pork babyback ribs for a Jewish guy and he couldn't resist eating them! lol

[Sigma_Orionis]

1. sigma said pizza. how do you know that he wasn't thinking of a plain pizza or one with only vegetable toppings?

Because he's not Jewish and I'm betting he has cheese with all is beef and chicken tacos.

We don't eat Tacos, we eat Quesadillas. you insensitive racist Croatian-Australian Ape!

You have been reported to the LatinAmerican-American Defense League No cookie for you today!

2. the ham and bacon are out; with or without the pizza.

Well, I made pork babyback ribs for a Jewish guy and he couldn't resist eating them! lol

Guilt only works on Catholics

Edited to fix quote

[code monkey]

1. sigma said pizza. how do you know that he wasn't thinking of a plain pizza or one with only vegetable toppings?

Because he's not Jewish and I'm betting he has cheese with all is beef and chicken tacos.

2. the ham and bacon are out; with or without the pizza.

Well, I made pork babyback ribs for a Jewish guy and he couldn't resist eating them! lol

newsflash - not all people who are jewish keep kosher.

[FZR1KG]

1. sigma said pizza. how do you know that he wasn't thinking of a plain pizza or one with only vegetable toppings?

Because he's not Jewish and I'm betting he has cheese with all is beef and chicken tacos.

2. the ham and bacon are out; with or without the pizza.

Well, I made pork babyback ribs for a Jewish guy and he couldn't resist eating them! lol

newsflash - not all people who are jewish keep kosher.

Yeah, but it always sounds more impressive when I say it that way! lol

[code monkey]

We don't eat Tacos, we eat Quesadillas. you insensitive racist Croatian-Australian Ape!

sigma, is this an example of the moral superiority you've mentioned? i know that it must be trying to have to deal with people not knowing basic things about you and your culture but see times like these as pedagogical moments and teach! i'm shocked, shocked to see you calling z names.

[FZR1KG]

We don't eat Tacos, we eat Quesadillas. you insensitive racist Croatian-Australian Ape!

sigma, is this an example of the moral superiority you've mentioned? i know that it must be trying to have to deal with people not knowing basic things about you and your culture but see times like these as pedagogical moments and teach! i'm shocked, shocked to see you calling z names.

It's how the underlings maintain sanity knowing they will never be as good as the rest of us.
Just ask him what he thinks of that great man Chavez. rofl

[code monkey]

We don't eat Tacos, we eat Quesadillas. you insensitive racist Croatian-Australian Ape!

sigma, is this an example of the moral superiority you've mentioned? i know that it must be trying to have to deal with people not knowing basic things about you and your culture but see times like these as pedagogical moments and teach! i'm shocked, shocked to see you calling z names.

It's how the underlings maintain sanity knowing they will never be as good as the rest of us.
Just ask him what he thinks of that great man Chavez. rofl

[code monkey]

It's how the underlings maintain sanity knowing they will never be as good as the rest of us.
Just ask him what he thinks of that great man Chavez. rofl

z, i was talking to sigma. i must say that i'm stunned to see you bring up chavez - i know perfectly well what he thinks of him and so do you - right after you saw how wounded he was by your taco comment. sigma's a sensitive guy. almost as sensitive as you.

[Sigma_Orionis]

sigma, is this an example of the moral superiority you've mentioned? i know that it must be trying to have to deal with people not knowing basic things about you and your culture but see times like these as pedagogical moments and teach! i'm shocked, shocked to see you calling z names.

Yup, and keeping with the orthodoxy of Moral Superiority, it only applies to others, not to us poor oppressed latinos.....

It's how the underlings maintain sanity knowing they will never be as good as the rest of us.
Just ask him what he thinks of that great man Chavez. rofl

z, i was talking to sigma. i must say that i'm stunned to see you bring up chavez - i know perfectly well what he thinks of him and so do you - right after you saw how wounded he was by your taco comment. sigma's a sensitive guy. almost as sensitive as you.

Yeah, he tried to ruffle my scales. But in reality, he's just jealous because we poor oppressed latinos are Morally Superior

[Ikyoto]

It's how the underlings maintain sanity knowing they will never be as good as the rest of us.
Just ask him what he thinks of that great man Chavez. rofl

z, i was talking to sigma. i must say that i'm stunned to see you bring up chavez - i know perfectly well what he thinks of him and so do you - right after you saw how wounded he was by your taco comment. sigma's a sensitive guy. almost as sensitive as you.

sensitive - i can't tell you how hard it is to not giggle when SEEING that word associated with those two. How you managed to write it has me in awe of you!

[FZR1KG]

It's how the underlings maintain sanity knowing they will never be as good as the rest of us.
Just ask him what he thinks of that great man Chavez. rofl

z, i was talking to sigma. i must say that i'm stunned to see you bring up chavez - i know perfectly well what he thinks of him and so do you - right after you saw how wounded he was by your taco comment. sigma's a sensitive guy. almost as sensitive as you.

sensitive - i can't tell you how hard it is to not giggle when SEEING that word associated with those two. How you managed to write it has me in awe of you!

Sigma and I are very hip to new trends and are always the "in" crowd.
At the moment it's all about being sensitive, so we're "in" sensitive for now.
See how that works?

[Swift]

It's how the underlings maintain sanity knowing they will never be as good as the rest of us.
Just ask him what he thinks of that great man Chavez. rofl

z, i was talking to sigma. i must say that i'm stunned to see you bring up chavez - i know perfectly well what he thinks of him and so do you - right after you saw how wounded he was by your taco comment. sigma's a sensitive guy. almost as sensitive as you.

sensitive - i can't tell you how hard it is to not giggle when SEEING that word associated with those two. How you managed to write it has me in awe of you!

Sigma and I are very hip to new trends and are always the "in" crowd.
At the moment it's all about being sensitive, so we're "in" sensitive for now.
See how that works?

That's in-credible.

[Sigma_Orionis]

Call Ripley!