FWIS3

Blatantly pilfered from an email sent to me by my ambulance-chasin' cockroach-of-an-attorney little brother...


When you are over sixty who gives a CRAP?


This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically asked, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds,had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. "Really?" she asked. "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said. "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Can't say I like most of those, but that first one is absolute gold.

Don't let brite catch you saying that.......

The swimming pool one reminds me of the time some of the nurses taped the toilet seat down at work.

Me: I was just in the bathroom and the darn toilet seat was taped down with saran wrap.
Nurse: What did you do?
Me: I peed on the seat.

You forgot to mention the smug grin that would have accompanied that comment, just before the said nurses decided to wipe the floor with you

Sigma_Orionis wrote:You forgot to mention the smug grin that would have accompanied that comment, just before the said nurses decided to wipe the floor with you

It's not a smug grin. It's a confident, I have everything under control, smile.