michael

[code monkey]

Today is the 4th anniversary of michael’s death. A few days ago it was the 5th of elliot’s. their birthdays were at the end of September. I hate the fall with its reminders of what I no longer have. I miss them so much.

This has been a bad year. I’m not one who cries but I’ve found myself in tears time after time. I spot a pile of meow mix cat food in the grocery store and remember Michael calling the cats ‘meow mix’. At the dmv applying for a copy of the car title. I have to show a copy of michael’s death certificate. I’ve gotten good at getting a copy out of the envelope and back in without looking. Even worse when I need elliot’s. some time back I realized that both my mother and my grandmother lived for 13 years after their husbands died. 9 yrs to go. is it that it’s sinking in that those years will be more of the same. Alone. Nobody to share with. Nobody to be with. Things seem so futile. A treadmill. The red queen’s race. (for those of you who’ve forgotten your alice, the red queen’s race is running as fast as you can so that you stay in place.) sometimes i’ll remember something that happened or a conversation and I can see and hear it in my mind as though it were a film. Stephen Sondheim had it right in company – being alive.

And maybe it’s the alcohol. Yes, I’ve followed my custom of reading things Michael wrote or liked and having a few drinks from a bottle that we had in the house. Since I don’t drink as a rule, they’ve hit. Good thing I’m already home. Yes, there’s still some left – what a pair of party animals we were!

So I’ll end in my customary fashion. I sincerely hope that those of you in committed – heck - *any* relationship realize how bloody lucky you are. So say so. To your partner. And it wouldn’t hurt to toss in a hug. I envy you. Envy is ok. jealousy is bad. and surely there’s someone – maybe more than 1 someone – whom you’re glad to know. Someone who brings some joy to you. Say so! I know that y’all are smart enough to manage that without sounding creepy. Creepy is bad. once we had neighbors who had a large statue of a goose outside their house. They’d dress it up – academic robe for june, a pilgrim outfit for November. You get the idea. We so looked forward to seeing what that thing - and later there was a 2nd, smaller one – so those things were wearing! I sent the family a note. And knitted them (the geese)scarves & hats for the winter. Left candy at Halloween.

Oh my other customary instruction. Please, the next time you find yourself getting angry with someone – especially someone who’s in your life – take a deep breath before you blast him/her. surely you can make your point calmly. And if you don’t think so, take another breath.

[Thumper]

Oh my other customary instruction. Please, the next time you find yourself getting angry with someone – especially someone who’s in your life – take a deep breath before you blast him/her. surely you can make your point calmly. And if you don’t think so, take another breath.

I need to read this part or you need to repeat it frequently.

Thank you so very much for sharing.

[vendic]

They are missed by many and you have endured more than any human should in their lifetime.
(((CM)))

[Rommie]

I always think of you cm this time of year. I will give Floris an extra hug tomorrow just for you and Michael and Elliot.

[SciFi Chick]

I miss Michael a lot. I wish I had gotten to know Elliot.

I do too.

He was a delightful young man. I only had the pleasure of knowing him for two days, but it really was a pleasure. They were a lovely family. It was so apparent how much they all loved each other, and the sarcasm flowed freely. I had no idea it would be the only time I'd get to meet them both in person, but, for some reason, that particular trip is seared into my memory.

I'm pretty sure that if there is a divine entity of some sort, it notices us no more than we notice ants.

[SciFi Chick]

is it that it’s sinking in that those years will be more of the same. Alone. Nobody to share with. Nobody to be with. Things seem so futile. A treadmill. The red queen’s race. (for those of you who’ve forgotten your alice, the red queen’s race is running as fast as you can so that you stay in place.) sometimes i’ll remember something that happened or a conversation and I can see and hear it in my mind as though it were a film. Stephen Sondheim had it right in company – being alive.

You must come and visit us. And when we get to Australia, maybe you just come for a visit that never ends. {{{hugs}}}

[code monkey]

thank you all. thank you for your support. thank you for putting up with me.

bad year.

please know that you all made Michael very happy. he so enjoyed the group and said that it was your positive reception of his writing that encouraged him to submit his stories. ('but Michael, haven't I been encouraging?' 'yes, but you're my wife. you have to be.') he was thrilled to meet you in person and rommie, he was on cloud 9 when you offered to bake for him.

sfc, I have every intention of taking you up on your invitation.

[SciFi Chick]

sfc, I have every intention of taking you up on your invitation.

That is excellent news.

[Swift]

They are missed by many and you have endured more than any human should in their lifetime.
(((CM)))

Amen Brother!

It makes me sad just thinking about it.

[code monkey]

today is Michael's yahrzeit. it's been 5yrs. 5 yrs! (6 for Elliot) such a long time. I don't know how I've managed. I never thought that i'd live longer than Michael. never. just think about 5 yrs. even for me it's a large fraction of my life. a larger one of the time we had together and a larger one still of the time Elliot had. from time to time I have flashbacks to things that happened. I can picture an event almost like watching a film. it is so hard to be alone. I miss them so. it's not having someone with whom to share things. oh, there are the pool ladies and bmr and y'all but it just isn't the same. why? I don't know. the immediacy? shared background? knowing that the other isn't just being polite or waiting his/her turn to gripe but really gives a rat's behind. and maybe that's because whatever it is will make a difference to the other.

the decisions. change accountants or continue to accept that all filings will be at the last minute of the extension? (I know, a first world problem if ever there were one.) chain saw? ok, a bit of an exaggeration. I do depend on the kindness of others. after all, the contractor saved me from a mistake in choosing a garage door pattern and one of the pool ladies took me refrigerator shopping when I froze as solidly as the carrots. but to a great extent, everything that has to/should be done must be done by me or it isn't done. nobody with whom to share the work or griping. things to contend with. a tree came down. a notice from the irs. why hasn't the dentist's office, the surgeon's, the ... called back all the telemarketers and scammers have managed to place calls. i'm thinking about Tosca. specifically vissi d'arte. isn't that a long, glorious scream? why me? no, I don't compare myself to her. i'm not a famous singer; a famous anything and I've hardly led a blameless life but I've not been a monster. oh, cm kind of solipsistic, aren't you? they were far more blameless than you and they're gone. so who paid a price. still I just would like to have things go relatively smoothly.

no, i'm not living a hermit's existance and i'm without people who are kind. but no special relationship. friendly people but not that special closeness. what is funny is that i'm the only woman on her own in my circle who misses it. who wants to be in a committed relationship. they all say that they love their independence. and these are women who were happy in their marriages! I don't understand it.

ok, I've rattled on long enough. too long some would say. Michael and Elliot were the writers. i'm the dull plodder. i'll also tell you that an opened bottle of sherry that's >5 yrs old has lost its flavor but packs quite a punch. especially if you only drink jahrzeit to jahrzeit.

now, those of you with someone (or a few someones) special in your lives, please know how very lucky you are. tell the other(s) how you feel! they probably know but it's good to hear it and even better to say it. and that's true the other way around too. and please, the next time that you feel the anger boiling up - whether it's at that special someone who's done something silly or at the stranger who's - oh, say started to search for his/her wallet after the groceries have been rung up and bagged, take a deep breath and ask yourself if you really want to bring that anger into the world. take additional deep breaths until the answer's 'no'. life is too short. too damned short.

[grapes]

Well, you've helped some people! It's hard to imagine what you've gone through. Maybe they're just trying to make the best of it, those women in your circle on their own. Do that there, and bleed here.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cwqhdRs4jyA

[Thumper]

Yes, you've helped and comforted people. I wish there was a better way we could help and comfort you.

[SciFiFisher]

The universe seems very perverse at times. Well, almost all of the time.

[geonuc]

I know this might sound trite; it isn't meant to be. Have you considered a pet?

My cat Chuck is a faithful, ever present buddy and I'm so happy to have him in my life. The other cat - Andy - is not so much because she's aloof (but I still love her).

Not suggesting in any way that a pet could replace Michael or Elliott but it might help.

[Loresinger]

Yes, you've helped and comforted people. I wish there was a better way we could help and comfort you.

DITTO

[code monkey]

I know this might sound trite; it isn't meant to be. Have you considered a pet?

My cat Chuck is a faithful, ever present buddy and I'm so happy to have him in my life. The other cat - Andy - is not so much because she's aloof (but I still love her).

Not suggesting in any way that a pet could replace Michael or Elliott but it might help.

oh lord, even later to the party than usual. geonuc, you're not the first person to have suggested that. a cat (or 3) was part of the household for many, many years. pets run away, get sick, die, break your heart. after we decided that we'd not have another pet we were acquired by the cat. I know that the fact that we kept feeding it was not a discouragement. he was a nice cat who did not care to be indoors. the only times that he came in he made a mad dash downstairs and sat in front of the door to the garage. that's where he stayed. one of us would open the door and he'd walk over to his food dish. just in case we'd forgotten. no, it wasn't empty; just not full.

he'd usually run out to greet us when we got home. he'd jump in on the driver's side and sit on Michael's lap. when I had to take over the driving, he appeared confused for a day or so but then went to the passenger's side. after Michael died he again seemed puzzled for a day or so but then would jump in on the driver's side. i'd pet him and tell him that he deserved a better human.

he died about a year after Michael. I didn't expect to miss him as much as I do. however, some days it's hard enough to take care of myself. and my heart is already broken.

[code monkey]

last week saw Elliot's birthday(27sep) and Michael's(29sep). I made my donations, as I always do at this time, and observed the other rituals - peanut butter(smooth. I prefer crunchy but he liked the smooth.) sandwich for Elliot and a few drinks(yes, there's still some left.) for Michael. some reading for both. it seems to be getting harder. I'm alone and i miss them so. they were so smart. so talented and creative. i'm the dull plodder. why is it that they are they dead and i'm alive? I know. the meaning of life is that there is no meaning. I want to stop going to events that I used to enjoy because it's starting to hurt to see couples and families when I know that the odds are excellent that i'll never have that again. please don't tell me that anything could happen. the demographics are against me (2.5:1 ratio of unattached women of mature age to men). further the men want women who are pretty and significantly younger. I won't stay in because it'll be worse to become a recluse. i'll continue to force myself out.

[SciFiFisher]

last week saw Elliot's birthday(27sep) and Michael's(29sep). I made my donations, as I always do at this time, and observed the other rituals - peanut butter(smooth. I prefer crunchy but he liked the smooth.) sandwich for Elliot and a few drinks(yes, there's still some left.) for Michael. some reading for both. it seems to be getting harder. I'm alone and i miss them so. they were so smart. so talented and creative. i'm the dull plodder. why is it that they are they dead and i'm alive? I know. the meaning of life is that there is no meaning. I want to stop going to events that I used to enjoy because it's starting to hurt to see couples and families when I know that the odds are excellent that i'll never have that again. please don't tell me that anything could happen. the demographics are against me (2.5:1 ratio of unattached women of mature age to men). further the men want women who are pretty and significantly younger. I won't stay in because it'll be worse to become a recluse. i'll continue to force myself out.

I wish that virtual hugs felt as real as the actual ones. <hugs>

[Sigma_Orionis]

Wish there was something I could say.

[Rommie]

Big hugs. I wish I could do more.

[Loresinger]

i am not going to say I know how you feel (I hate that line and it's a lie). I will say continue cultivating friendships. You are witty, smart as shit, generous and kind. Anyone would be blessed to have you in their life for a day, a month or years. Friends won't fill that hole, nor will hobbies, but they may help some.

[code monkey]

Thank you all for your support and the compliments. i'm really not that smart. Michael and Elliot were the smart, creative, talented ones. i'm the dull plodder. I do try hard to be a good person. To be kind and supportive. To always put something in the collection barrel at the grocery store. To give the clerk at st Vincent de paul a couple of dollars for the collection jar and to wave away the change or leave extra when the prices at an organization’s sale verge on giveaways. and the hats. This business about virtue being its own reward is the coldest of comforts. Virtue can’t hug you when you need one, can’t celebrate victories, hold your hand on a walk or well, pretty much anything besides something once described to me as giving one that warm glow akin to urinating in a dark suit. and virtue can't accept anything from you.

I also that the fact that their birthdays were last week is not the only reason that I’m feeling awful.

Please don’t think less of me for this. I know that you knew Michael for many years before I came on the scene and Michael was a terrific person. He was the nice one. For the last 2 yrs or so I’ve wanted to be in a relationship with a man. Nobody could replace Michael but I am so very lonely. And tiring. Nobody to share with – whether actual tasks or feelings. If I don’t so it, it doesn’t get done. There have been 2 or 3 men that I’ve found appealing but none has returned my feelings. Earlier this week I learned about the latest. This is someone I’d known for a long time and I had such hopes.
So I tell you that should you know an eligible nice guy of suitable age – I’m not a cougar – I’d appreciate an introduction. He does not have to be in Oregon – I draw inspiration from sfc and z.

I realized a while ago that both my mother and my grandmother each lived for ~13yrs after the death of her husband. Neither one was the least bit interested in finding another relationship. theirs were very happy marriages. So what is wrong with me that I am not content with, as my sister points out, having had >30yrs of something that so many never experience? They had their children and other relatives by the dozen with them and I don’t? I’m greedy? I don’t know the reason. All that I do know is that, for a person who doesn’t cry, I’ve been doing quite a bit of it.

[SciFiFisher]

Thank you all for your support and the compliments. i'm really not that smart. Michael and Elliot were the smart, creative, talented ones. i'm the dull plodder. I do try hard to be a good person. To be kind and supportive. To always put something in the collection barrel at the grocery store. To give the clerk at st Vincent de paul a couple of dollars for the collection jar and to wave away the change or leave extra when the prices at an organization’s sale verge on giveaways. and the hats. This business about virtue being its own reward is the coldest of comforts. Virtue can’t hug you when you need one, can’t celebrate victories, hold your hand on a walk or well, pretty much anything besides something once described to me as giving one that warm glow akin to urinating in a dark suit. and virtue can't accept anything from you.

I also that the fact that their birthdays were last week is not the only reason that I’m feeling awful.

Please don’t think less of me for this. I know that you knew Michael for many years before I came on the scene and Michael was a terrific person. He was the nice one. For the last 2 yrs or so I’ve wanted to be in a relationship with a man. Nobody could replace Michael but I am so very lonely. And tiring. Nobody to share with – whether actual tasks or feelings. If I don’t so it, it doesn’t get done. There have been 2 or 3 men that I’ve found appealing but none has returned my feelings. Earlier this week I learned about the latest. This is someone I’d known for a long time and I had such hopes.
So I tell you that should you know an eligible nice guy of suitable age – I’m not a cougar – I’d appreciate an introduction. He does not have to be in Oregon – I draw inspiration from sfc and z.

I realized a while ago that both my mother and my grandmother each lived for ~13yrs after the death of her husband. Neither one was the least bit interested in finding another relationship. theirs were very happy marriages. So what is wrong with me that I am not content with, as my sister points out, having had >30yrs of something that so many never experience? They had their children and other relatives by the dozen with them and I don’t? I’m greedy? I don’t know the reason. All that I do know is that, for a person who doesn’t cry, I’ve been doing quite a bit of it.

I suspect that you have every right to be lonely. And every right to not want to be lonely. Maybe if you were surrounded by family and dozens of grandchildren you might not notice the lack of someone to share life with. Or maybe you would share it with them instead. But, you are not surrounded by family and etc. And thus you have every right to be lonely and to want to share your life with someone else.

[code monkey]

thanks, fisher. I suspect that the dozens of grandchildren would only slightly mitigate the pain. the relationship's so different.

I know that the odds of finding anyone are vanishingly small. please don't tell me that anything might happen. I know that. I also know about probabilities. the demographics - 2.5:1 against me. and the men(in general) want them young, often young enough to be their daughters if not granddaughters, and pretty. I keep hoping and trying and having the hopes dashed, Einstein said that insanity was trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. at times I regret that promise that Michael and I made to each other. but I did promise and I honor my promises.

so, fisher, a mature nice guy. have you found anyone? please keep looking.

[SciFi Chick]

I know this is crazy, but have you considered online dating? pumpkinpi met her husband that way. Morrolan and his wife met online. Zee and I met online. It's something to consider. I'm happy to research them and find one that might suit you.

Edited to add: I've found two that might interest you. Check your PM box.