XOF News

[grapes]

Anybody unclear about what I meant here:

 
@XOFNews: HAVE AN EXCESS PLAN

 
Didn't *think* so

[grapes]

XOF News - Bieber Cleavers


JUSTIN BIEBER FACES ASSAULT CHARGES IN TORONTO, slapped limo driver on back of head

JUSTIN BIEBER MIGHT FACE FELONY VANDALISM CHARGES IN LA, threw eggs at neighbor's house, security cams on

JUSTIN BIEBER FACES DUI CHARGES IN MIAMI, passed two breathalyzer tests but missed some steps in roadside dance moves

132,000 PEOPLE SIGN WHITE HOUSE PETITION TO DEPORT JUSTIN BIEBER, he'll be forced to go back to Canada, if anyone takes those petitions seriously

JUSTIN BIEBER OUTRAGES MILLIONS BY SAYING CANADA IS BETTER THAN USA, he says it's home, plus they have that health system

[FZR1KG]

lol

Blame Canada.
Has Canada ever apologized for beeber?

[cid]

http://www.bash.org/?953373

(~roopurt) there is an article on the washington post "why is the arab world so easily offended"
(~roopurt) i think it might offend the arab world
(~roopurt) but really
(~roopurt) one person puts up a youtube video and they riot and kill
(~roopurt) the rest of world didnt come after canada after justin biebers last video

...maybe they should have...

[FZR1KG]

XOF news Streets of Atlanta desk

Mr Hemi of central Atlanta, but goes by the name Roid, spoke to us about the radiation concerns that the citizens of Atlanta had.
"People are dying in the streets man. Didn't you see it? Are you blind. This is a war zone. Cars sitting empty on the sides of the roads, in ditches, wrecked. No people in them. Where are the people? They burned up in the attack. That's where they are. Look around man. It's sickening, everywhere is the white dust that was this cities people and nucular fallout. That's why it's so cold, we have a nucular winter now and the govenor did nothing to protect us from attack"
"It's a conspiracy, the governor should be lynched or at the very least hung from a tree or something", yelled an onlooker.
When it was pointed out to Roid that the white stuff was actually snow which is a natural weather phenomena he looked puzzled and asked, "what the fuck is snow"?

[grapes]

Yep, tha aint snow, are plastic, all over the internets:

http://intellihub.com/proof-massive-sno ... xperiment/

[FZR1KG]

http://intellihub.com/proof-massive-sno ... xperiment/

Wow. What has been seen can't be unseen and that was just...wow.

[pumpkinpi]

XOF News - Bieber Cleavers


JUSTIN BIEBER FACES ASSAULT CHARGES IN TORONTO, slapped limo driver on back of head

JUSTIN BIEBER MIGHT FACE FELONY VANDALISM CHARGES IN LA, threw eggs at neighbor's house, security cams on

JUSTIN BIEBER FACES DUI CHARGES IN MIAMI, passed two breathalyzer tests but missed some steps in roadside dance moves

132,000 PEOPLE SIGN WHITE HOUSE PETITION TO DEPORT JUSTIN BIEBER, he'll be forced to go back to Canada, if anyone takes those petitions seriously

JUSTIN BIEBER OUTRAGES MILLIONS BY SAYING CANADA IS BETTER THAN USA, he says it's home, plus they have that health system

I wish this were only XOF.

MSNBC interrupts Congresswoman for report on Justin Bieber
Youtube video of it.

[grapes]

XOF Gnus On the Loose


OLYMPICS SCORES: US RACISTS 2, RUSSIAN GAYS 1, France trailing both

WOODY ALLEN ISSUES FINAL RESPONSE TO CHARGES, pulls out of debate

SUSTAIN, CONDOMS WITH A CONSCIENCE, ON SALE, "we've going to let them follow their head"

GOOGLE LOSING TASTE FOR MICROSOFT, starts noshing on Cisco, gags on Polycom

SEAORBITER (SeaOrbiter, to be exact) SET FOR LAUNCH, aquanauts have been practicing in one-g environments for years

VERMONT'S HEROIN EPIDEMIC, uh, that's all...

VIRGINIA PASSES LAW THAT SEA OF JAPAN IS AKA EAST SEA, legislators also known as tools

[FZR1KG]

I wish this were only XOF.

MSNBC interrupts Congresswoman for report on Justin Bieber
Youtube video of it.

OMFG.
What the hell is wrong with the media?
Oh, never mind. I forgot its US politics and no one takes these politicians seriously because they don't take running the country seriously.

[grapes]

XOF In The Hinterlands


Swiftly responding to a Silicon Valley venture capitalist's plan to divide California into six states, Wyoming's agile legislature responded with their own plan to divide Wyoming into 23 new states. Wyoming Speaker of the House Tom Lubnau II explained: "We'd simply make each county into a state. All of them would be bigger than Delaware. They already have governance and infrastructure in place, easy-peasy." The plan would entail the creation of 44 new US senatorial seats, three quarters of which could be filled by someone with the last name Simpson (and, of course, no one with the last name Cheney). The group of new states would still have fewer US Representatives than Florida. Sixteen of the new states have already entered into sponsorship agreements and plan to rename themselves. Converse county/state will not rename itself, but the new state of JPMorgan was happy to change their name from Crook. "It used to take me six hours to drive to the state legislature, now I'll be able to do it in an hour, less when we get the 85mph speed limit," said Oracle's new governor-elect. Of course the plan has to be approved by the US Congress, but one new senator from Apple said she thought that would be a mere formality.

[grapes]

XOF Shorts


BOSTON MARATHON REVEALS NEW RESTRICTIONS, not final, still negotiating Godiva Chocolate sponsorship

EGYPTIAN ARMY INVENTS CURE FOR AIDS, builds on their cure for old age

FDA TO MAKE CHANGES TO FOOD LABELS, too many people assuming #10 can of peaches from Costco is single-serving

BITCOIN REACHING MATURITY, common citizen can now be ripped off

OBAMA TO UNVEIL "MY BROTHER'S KEEPER" INITIATIVE, *not* about parole officers

[grapes]

XOF NEWS Reader Contest


The first XOF NEWS amateur journalist to verifiably describe any of the following three subjects will receive a five-year subscription to the online version of XOF NEWS:

1. The McConaughey diet
2. The Clinton sex life
3. the Ukrainian sex diet

Submit reports to contest.editor@xoftox.com, or reply to this post

[FZR1KG]

1. The McConaughey diet
2. The Clinton sex life
3. the Ukrainian sex diet

1) Coke and caffeine enema's while sucking down two hard boiled eggs. When in San Francisco the mayo is optional.
2) Hillary gives Bill oral sex, "you fucking asshole. Don't you ever put that pecker near another woman again!".
3) Russia and US have a threesome with the Ukraine. Two years worth of embargo's and food shortages. Now that's getting fucked!

[grapes]

Hmmm...I think the Ukraine is a four-way, so you get partial credit. If these are verified, you'll get 12 years of XOF.

[Sigma_Orionis]

12 Years of FREE XOF! now THAT's a deal!!!!

[grapes]

Yes.

Restrictions apply. Not responsible for known or unknown
erotic reactions, including choking, gasping, fainting, bleeding,
passing gas, squirting, or the effect of screaming/laughing/hooting
upon neighbors or their immediate family. Anyone suffering
from crone's disease, gullibility, or hemorrhagic fever should
not enter. Children under the age of thirteen should be kept
clear of the vicinity. Usual Level III nuclear precautions
recommended. Entrants should notify next of kin, and provide
proof of liability and a current passport.

[FZR1KG]

Hmmm...I think the Ukraine is a four-way, so you get partial credit. If these are verified, you'll get 12 years of XOF.

I should get 3/4
What kind of maths guy are you anyway! :p

Besides, it's a three way practically, the fourth is a voyeur.
Bit like "Wham" was a solo act because no one gave a shit about that other guy. lol

[grapes]

12 Years of XOF (aka Catching Fever) is going to be the sequel to 12 Years of Slavery

And, I dunno, I think old lady Europa is intimate with Ukraine, or vice versa

ETA: O, you meant US? Well, there ya go, I'm reducing it to 11 years of XOF.

[grapes]

XOF Infomercial


XOF's own Cherrie Berry got to sit down with Ava Lambord, the young CEO of the soft drink startup iFull, and discuss her company's meteoric rise in the marketplace. Cherrie asked Ava how she got the idea. The svelte teenager replied "Me and a bunch of my friends were just sitting around one day talking about poolemia, and it just seemed to me like there might be a market for a better looking and better tasting bottle of magnesium citrate that avoided the public stigma of laxatives, you know? Turns out, endoscopy departments love it too." Ava also revealed the company's plans for a campaign, called Thinner in Paris, to use photos of iFull drinkers in advertising spots photoshopped into iconic Paris sights like the Eiffel Tower or the Arc de Triomphe. The full interview is available on our website.

[Sigma_Orionis]

You mean like this?

[grapes]

Sorta, yeah, except that's in Manhattan, even though the words say Paris. And smaller, the models would be smaller. Shorter, thinner.

[grapes]

XOF News


MISSING WRECKAGE POSSIBLY FOUND IN WASHINGTON STATE, damaged parts strewn all over factory floor

HOLDER ANNOUNCES REDUCED SENTENCES FOR NON-VIOLENT DRUG OFFENSES, non-violent fraud and tax evasion cases also under consideration

GM RECALLS EVERY CAR EVER BUILT, cites dangerous levels of kinetic energy

COULD YOU HAVE PASSED COMMON CORE? Go to our website and find out!

[grapes]

XOF News Flash


COURTNEY LOVE FINDS MISSING MALAYSIA JET, no, really, she says she found it: 5°39'08.5"N 98°50'38.0"E

[grapes]

XOF SLAPPed


XOF News has been forced to remove over 200 previous-post references to Kanye West and Kim Kardashian in response to their SLAPP (Strategic Lawsuit Against Public Participation). We've also removed a public apology that we made last week[strike], as well as a recent reference to their lawsuit against Chad Hurley, co-founder of YouTube, for posting a video online of their proposal. They never expected *him* to do *that*[/strike]. XOF regrets the long-time fascination that we've had with the[strike] world's most talked about couple[/strike][strike] trainwreck[/strike]m, and we promise to never do report on them again, unless we're paid for our efforts.