michael

[SciFiFisher]

Thank you for that timely reminder to appreciate what I have, while I have it.

[Sigma_Orionis]

Really don't know what to say, other than to wish you luck.

[lady_*nix]

cm - I don't know any such men, but would introduce you if I did. Wishing you all the luck in the world.

[Rommie]

Nothing to say that hasn't been said. But sending big hugs your way.

[code monkey]

thank you all for your concern, support and mainly just for putting up with me. it gets easier as I move from one of the magic days.

Michael used to say that work was my anodyne and he was right. if I can get myself started, I can think only of the work at hand. so it was a great relief to get a substantial assignment. one which I must get back to. now.

[code monkey]

today is michael's birthday. I read some things that he'd written and was amazed, all over again, at how good and versatile a writer he was. at how much he knew. and I spotted things, some that i'd seen before and others that i'd missed - a reference to a song or something that i'd say. a friend's name used as a character. Friday was Elliot's birthday. had he lived he'd be 30. maybe a lawyer - he was starting to think about law school. he was so smart. so nice. so clever and inventive. i reread some of his papers and stories. remembered the student teacher who had a hard time believing that he'd written I ate my peanut butter - smooth for Elliot, chunky for Michael. toasted them with 3 buck chuck. merlot. not bad. tomorrow's rosh hashannah and I remembered that Elliot was born just a few days before. I remember chatting with one of the nurses and a resident about the holiday and what a wonderful time to have a child, swapping recipes and telling the resident that he should either switch schedules - he was assigned to work on yom kippur - or not fast as he had an obligation to his patients to be absolutely clear-headed. with all of the memories that I've had I'd completely forgotten that.

i miss my guys so much.

[Thumper]

Electronic Hug...

[Loresinger]

You do them proud with your memories.

Have you ever considered writing a book about your journey? You could bring together all those amazing thoughts into a moving and insightful story.

Just a thought. Trust you are well.

[SciFiFisher]

I loved Michael's wit and his ability to be a peacemaker here on FWIS.

[Sigma_Orionis]

Yeah,. Michael's wit was legendary. I sure miss him and his wit.

[code monkey]

You do them proud with your memories.

Have you ever considered writing a book about your journey? You could bring together all those amazing thoughts into a moving and insightful story.

Just a thought. Trust you are well.

Thank you but no. I've neverthought of writing.

I am no writer. It is very difficult for me to write. In addition, in terms of a journey, I rather hate the place I've ended up in and I doubt that anyone would want to hear about it. I know that people have endured things that make my situation look like a walk in the park but I've never thought that one had to be arlo guthrie's last guy to feel bad. Or worse. Michael and I promised each other that, no matter what, we would endure. I keep my promises.

Compared to somany I am in a good position. I feel sorry for my cousin vicky and will tell you about her tomorrow night.

[code monkey]

Thanks. At least the second death (when nobody remembers you) is not here.

[Rommie]

I very much beg to differ with your assertion that you are not a writer. You have written so beautifully about such terrible things that it's moved me to tears many times.

Big hugs.

[code monkey]

I very much beg to differ with your assertion that you are not a writer. You have written so beautifully about such terrible things that it's moved me to tears many times.

Big hugs.

thank you. I've never wanted to cause you pain and I find writing difficult.

[code monkey]

my cousin Vicky.

(i'd intended to write this last night but fell asleep.)

several weeks ago my sister told me that another cousin had told her that Vicky's husband had died a yr ago. I googled, found that it was true and sent her a note. didn't hear from her but the other cousin let us know that she was in a bad way. so I called.

now Vicky and Richard had been married for 40 yrs and he'd taken care of most of the things that one must do nowadays. he drove, paid the bills, handled the mail … not that he forbade any of it; just that they made her nervous and so he took care of it all.

Vicky is still nervous as all get-out. perhaps even worse because she *has* to do these things now. Richard is no longer here to take care of her and they had no children. she still hasn't been able to get a driver's license and is dependent on others for rides or the local bus service. she's getting the hang of paying bills but is driven to distraction by junk mail. and the questions that one gets drive her around the bend. I've been as supportive and encouraging as I can be - no, you don't have to keep the mail with offers that you're not interested in. not even if they're from your bank. keep your statements. Vicky, people will ask questions. they're trying to show concern but you don't owe them details. just say that you and Richard were very happy in your house and you have no intention of moving. thank the person who wants to introduce you to her brother (Vicky is stunning in an ethereal, other-worldly way) and say that it's far too early for you to consider dating. if you start to feel uncomfortable, say so or say that you have to go and hang up or walk away. you can set boundaries. you don't have to explain yourself to *anyone*.

I, on the other hand, have been a driver for many yrs. neither junk mail nor questions about future plans nor bills intimidate me. while I sorely miss being in a committed relationship and having someone to share things with and there are the things that Michael took care of that I have to learn about (e.g. next task is learning how to turn on the pellet stove.), I have no difficulty with the tasks of daily living.

[SciFiFisher]

I often run into relationships where one partner or the other does virtually everything and I am gobsmacked. I can understand the appeal of never having to worry about those things. But, I cannot imagine being that helpless. Or wanting to make anyone that co-dependent.

[Sigma_Orionis]

It's amazing really.

[Rommie]

I very much beg to differ with your assertion that you are not a writer. You have written so beautifully about such terrible things that it's moved me to tears many times.

Big hugs.

thank you. I've never wanted to cause you pain and I find writing difficult.

Not causing pain. Sharing empathy. Big difference.

[code monkey]

today marked 7 yrs since Michael died. (2 weeks ago it was 8 since Elliot died.) such a long time. such a miserable, long, awful time. nobody expects to outlive a child and our family histories predicted that Michael would easily outlive me. I used to urge him to wait a decent amount of time and then get married again.

I followed my traditional observance - peanut butter sandwiches and a few drinks. read things they wrote, think about them. get angry at the unfairness of it all. 3 buck chuck merlot stands up fairly well. I finished the bottle that I started for Elliot - no special prep, I just pushed the cork back into the bottle and put it in the refrigerator. the first few sips were a little harsher than I remembered but then that faded. and boy the current yahrzeit candles are amazing! they're no more than half the size of the old ones but they last as long! I must do some reading about wax.

met an extremely nice guy. alas, married. no, he didn't do anything untoward and, thank heavens, I didn't either. I do wish that all married people wore wedding rings. I am having some fun distributing ornaments - water aerobics, Zumba group, drum circle, breakfast group, gym, the other guests at a dinner party I was invited to and sometimes people I don't know. one lady told me that this was going to be her first Christmas without her husband and I tried to be supportive and give her a few bits of advice.

I will send y'all off with my amended marching orders. for those of you who are alone not be choice - I know something of what you experience. all I can say is try to keep busy. don't make finding someone the center of your life. and those of you in committed relationships with family around - I hope that you realize just how lucky you are. give them a hug and tell them that you love them. yes, they know and you know but it's important to hear the words. and to say them out loud.

[pumpkinpi]

A virtual hug, and words of love, from me to you.

[Rommie]

I can't believe it's been seven years already. Big hugs.

And don't worry, I usually tell F I love him several times a day. Like, just when it crosses my mind I vocalize it. I think I got into the habit once after reading your posts.

[lady_*nix]

*sends cm hugs and solidarity vibes*

[Sigma_Orionis]

Wishing you the best Mr. Mono

[code monkey]

thanks, guys. I don't know why but this year has been about the worst. perhaps it's really sinking in that the odds that I won't spend the rest of my life alone are pretty darned small. now if any of you happen to know a nice fellow of mature years(i'm not a cougar) who's not in a committed relationship (i'm not poly) i'd appreciate an introduction.

[Sigma_Orionis]

Wish I could say something encouraging Mr. Mono. But don't know how to even begin.