XOF News

[grapes]

Wait! There's a fwis store?? I coulda been buying stuff?!

[Loresinger]

http://www.cafepress.com/fwis

[Ikyoto]

I gotta add more crap in there...

"XOF News... We can make it sound important!

[grapes]

I'm *assuming* that was not a response to this post

Buy a Bigger Toilet? because the alternative might be a bit......... controversial

We here at XOF News make it our mission to assume responsibilities! Even, to presume.

[grapes]

XOF Courting Danger


The US Supreme Court rushed through a whole slew of decisions this morning, to meet the deadline. Their clerk attempted to slip one into the middle of the pile so as to not call the attention of a "certain powerful lobby" but XOF noticed and procured a copy of the decision. It resolves a NC state law that required its lottery to advertise both the usual amount and the lump-sum payout amount. The state's lottery executive director (supported in the case by the entire world recreational gambling lobby) said this would only confuse people and push business away. "Exactly," responded Justice Anthony Kennedy, writing the majority decision. "The usually quoted amount is a lie. Only advertise present-value, from now on."

XOF was stunned by the simplicity and directness of the decision. We attempted to interview the lottery director after the decision, but she was sobbing too hard to talk. Several of her colleagues were attempting to hang themselves by their ties, but were too distraught to manage it. A boss from Jersey was seen talking heatedly with one of his henchmen and wildly gesticulating in the direction of the lottery legal team, who wailed even louder when they noticed.

[grapes]

XOF eObituaries


XOF was sad to learn of the passing of one of its "friendly" competitors, the eBuzzd website. We know how hard it is to stay solvent, and independent. Their screen went dark at 9am this morning. We were chuckling just yesterday over their reporting on the death of the actress who plays Flo on the insurance commercials. The XOF staff conveys their condolences to the fine folk who "worked" there (and if you want to "work" at a "real" website, give us a buzz ha ha)

[grapes]

XOF InDusTrial News


Conceding defeat in their campaign to market fracking to the American public, the oil industry has changed gears. "We will no longer frack in your backyard," said industry spokesman Orly Stankavage. "From now on, we will be stimulating drilled wells, not fracking them." When asked how expensive the changeover was going to be, Mr. Stankavage looked surprised. "I hadn't thought about that, we...were just concentrating on being a good neighbor. It is possible...we may have to ask some states or counties for financial remuneration or regulatory relief." Mr. Stankavage did not elaborate on the details, demurring that it involved highly confidential trade secrets.

[grapes]

HELP! WOLF! We're being held hostage in the news room by a big bad wolf that looks like Johnny Depp. HELP!!

[Sigma_Orionis]

Have you tried offering him a Wonka Chocolate Bar?

[grapes]

XOF In The News, recycled


An article from USA TODAY today:

'Six Californias' plan may make 2016 ballot

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nati ... /12661161/

An arricle from XOF in February:

viewtopic.php?f=22&t=33&p=10577#p10577

XOF In The Hinterlands

Swiftly responding to a Silicon Valley venture capitalist's plan to divide California into six states, Wyoming's agile legislature responded with their own plan to divide Wyoming into 23 new states.  Wyoming Speaker of the House Tom Lubnau II explained: "We'd simply make each county into a state.  All of them would be bigger than Delaware.  They already have governance and infrastructure in place, easy-peasy."  The plan would entail the creation of 44 new US senatorial seats, three quarters of which could be filled by someone with the last name Simpson (and, of course, no one with the last name Cheney).  The group of new states would still have fewer US Representatives than Florida.  Sixteen of the new states have already entered into sponsorship agreements and plan to rename themselves.  Converse county/state will not rename itself, but the new state of JPMorgan was happy to change their name from Crook.  "It used to take me six hours to drive to the state legislature, now I'll be able to do it in an hour, less when we get the 85mph speed limit," said Oracle's new governor-elect.  Of course the plan has to be approved by the US Congress, but one new senator from Apple said she thought that would be a mere formality.

[grapes]

XOF You Can't Make This Shit Up, hey this/shit are anagrams, so are dyslexia/sex daily


POPE ESTIMATES 1 IN 50 ARE SEX OFFENDERS, probably about the same as theme park workers
http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nati ... /12661539/

ADULTS RESCUING CHILDREN IN CAR THWARTED BY CHILD-PROOF LOCKS
http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nati ... /12661425/
NO, IT WAS JUST THE MOM, BREAKING INTO HER OWN CAR
http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nati ... /12710145/

APPLE STOCK PRICE RISES AFTER NEW PRODUCT ANNOUNCEMENTS, fueled by demand for older models
http://www.usatoday.com/story/tech/2014 ... /12643453/

[FZR1KG]

XOF Technology news desk (If a little is good more is better)

Monsanto, Dupont, Ford and several other multinational companies have taken Microsoft's seminal approach and pushed the envelope in this new and fascinating profit booster technology. Rather than laying off only only a small percentage of workers and getting minor stock increases, we plan on getting rid of all workers and just leaving senior management. The profits should soar to record levels and we can increase our salary and get performance bonuses.
When asked how that will affect actual production, the universal response was, "I don't understand the question".

[Sigma_Orionis]

And in other technology news (XOF BOFH News Desk)


Wǒ Shì Ichiban Yaro, President and CEO of Chinapan Stepford Stuffed Suit Co. LTD. LLC. AB. GMBH. SPA. Inc. Etc. has announced record sales of their Model 2500 CEO Animatronic Robot to several multinational companies.

[grapes]

XOF News is doing their part, we've taken delivery of two of those puppies. The bad news is that we've had to lay off ten type setters, but the good news is employee morale is up! Those Model 2500s (or fiddy-by-fiddys, as they're popularly known) can not only set their own, they can set yours, even your spouse's if it comes to that.

[Sigma_Orionis]

What did Jeff say about that?

[grapes]

Jeff Whoo-ooee, he gone

Some people have attributed young american males felicity with numbers to having grown up trading ball cards and calculating batting averages. I found this at ESPN:

Josh Donaldson's recent struggles have been difficult to ignore. He's a .174/.211/.290 hitter in his past 35 games.

Much of that has to do with his struggles against right-handed pitching, a skills concern many of his owners have shared. A .285/.371/.442 hitter against righties in 2013, his resulting .358 weighted on-base average ranking 16th out of 75 qualified right-handed hitters versus righties, Donaldson has slumped to .231/.296/.386 triple-slash rates and a .299 wOBA against his "weak side" this season. He has just 19 hits versus righties in his past 110 at-bats.

America is gonna be fricking awesome

[Sigma_Orionis]

News Updates (XOF Rinji news o moshiagemasu! Desk)

Jeff Beezos has sold his majority stake on XOF News to an undisclosed group of buyers with questionable, shady links to the ruling party of a small Latin American Oil Rich Country with major insecurity problems.

An anonymous source inside the UGB stated that they intended XOF to reach the journalistic excellence of Russia Today, Gramna and Aporrea.org

Cub Reporter Grapes was quoted as saying "I plead the 2nd Amendment, I mean the 5th, no! no! no! the 2nd! hmmm did I say the 5th or the 2nd? anybody got any spare hollow points?"

On his exit interview Mr Beezos said that he got bored of this world and expected to visit some other world on his blue rocket, he was unavailable for further comment, his nanny said that he didn't want to watch NCIS anymore and that he was now watching JAG reruns

[grapes]

I was misquoted. I said, "Everyone is missing my point." Not quite the same thing, if you think about it.

Mr. Bezos has left a legacy here at XOF, I'll be eternally grateful for the lifetime health plan he funded for me when he dropped his wallet and a few bills flew out (his lightening quick mental calculations showed that pausing his momentum to pick them up would have resulted in a negative return). And it was only a quick call to our US representative and they came out to clean up the steaming piles Jeff left in the board room. In that sense, he's still part of our DNA.

[Sigma_Orionis]

Did you say that BEFORE or AFTER you loaded that .357 Python you keep in your desk drawer in case of "Editorial Pressure"?

BTW, according to the UBG, rumor has it that the new Editor of XOF is going to be Dogbert......

Ah yes, good ole Jeff, always rushing in and out the board room and dropping a few bills in the process, good thing your medical insurance accepts Linden Dollars

[grapes]

I don't swing that way, mine's S&W, rotates counterclockwise. Auf widdershins, in other worlds. Keeps middle-management on their toes, just fine. Last time I had to fill out an expense report was in '06, back when XOF was still surfing the back basin remnents of the dot-com bubble.

Speaking of which, XOF offices have just realized a small windfall. The police departments in three mid-size cities have decided to forswear their pretensions to the military and go back to just beating people with clubs. They had to place an ad, and of course we were cheapest bidder--and weirdly, we were also the only respondent. So...we now have stacks and stacks of the gear that they received under the HSA. The office is going to play paintball with it, except with rubber bullets.

[Sigma_Orionis]

So, yer a meat and potatoes kind of reporter............ a real hardboiled news-hound, I bet you liked Raymond Chandler too

Hey I checked the inventory, and I'm taking the Milkor and Uncle Gazpacho, I need to solve a few problems at the local level and you damned gringos just won't lend me a B61, I even said "pretty please" but nope, no dice.

You can keep the ex-wives

[grapes]

Who's Raymond Chandler?

I'm studying how to be a detective, but I can't figure it out. These diagrams are complicated. O well, back to work

[grapes]

XOF Future Games


Nine Life Skills That Aren't Anymore

1. Darkroom Development
2. Mechanical Drawing
3. Fixing Cars
4. Penmanship
5. Grammar and Spelling
6. Taking Notes
7. Reading Books
8. Reading Newspapers
9. Teaching

[FZR1KG]

Don't forget cooking.

[grapes]

Ackkk! I coulda made it a top ten list

Probably would've put it between Taking Notes and Reading Books