FWIS3

thanks, sigma. (btw, it would be a nice touch to give a citation for that 'late to the party'. just saying.)

after her father, my uncle Jackie, died, my cousin Roseanne asked if the pain ever stopped. I told her that no, it didn't. however, it did get less sharp. or, as joe biden said in his memorial day 2012 address to a group of relatives of people who'd died in the military, there will come a time when you think about your husband, wife, son, daughter … and you'll laugh before you cry. I don't know when it will come but I promise you that it will.

I've just been informed that the Kübler-Ross model, the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance), was originally applied to patients undergoing a life threatening condition. Kübler-Ross did not intend it to be applied to the family of the patient. Although there are some similarities, and it has been popularly applied, there are differences. In particular, the final stage, acceptance, is rarely attained in that different process. And why should it be?

But you're not alone.

That's all.

yesterday was Elliot's birthday and tomorrow is Michael's. i miss them so much. so very much. in some ways it's as bad as at the beginning. i plod along wondering why. why are they dead when so many horrible, downright evil people are alive and doing very well. Elliot was only 22 and such a good, kind, wonderful person. he'd have done so much good. y'all know how good a person Michael was. they both were so talented and i am not. now they're gone and i remain; the dull plodder. i know that trump and his followers and the current covid situation would have infuriated them but i so wish that they were here.

it's pretty clear that there'll not be another committed relationship for me. oh, i know - anything's possible and i'd be thrilled if it happened but the demographics are against me (2.5 : 1 against and it seems that most of the guys will settle for someone young enough to be a daughter if they can't find one young enough to be a granddaughter.) and I've struck out too many times to be hopeful. please understand this; i'm not looking for a replacement for Michael. just for someone to give a rat's behind about who gives a rat's behind about me. someone to share things with. someone to count on. I've been lucky in that I've been able to get help when I've needed it - rides to/from surgery, various medical appts, someone to stay with me post-surgery but I've had to ask and, in some cases, ask more than 1 person and I've felt pathetically grateful when i found someone to help. i don't mean that i ever took Michael and Elliot for granted; just that i knew that i could count on them and they knew that they could count on me. commitment.

please, do not read suicidal ideation into any of this. Michael and i promised each other that no matter what we would endure. i keep my promises.

so yesterday i had peanut butter (smooth) sandwiches, some 3 buck chuck syrah and thought about my wonderful son. tomorrow it'll be chunky peanut butter and my wonderful husband.

You are talented. Just in a different way than them. You are kind, considerate, caring, supportive, faithful.

Very sorry, cm. They were both here far too short.

I don't think anyone judges you or thinks you are replacing Michael for wanting to find companionship after so long. He was and is irreplaceable.

All the hugs, cm And you are absolutely talented. Your tech skills are a talent, and so is your kindness, and so is your ability to survive in the face of everything.

As for these guys

... and it seems that most of the guys will settle for someone young enough to be a daughter if they can't find one young enough to be a granddaughter.

Their loss, frankly. Creeps.

I don't know what to say that wouldn't sound stupid. I feel for you and hope that you can find little victories and little happinesses.