XOF News

[grapes]

FLORIDA TO CLARIFY STAND YOUR GROUND LAW

In the wake of the George Zimmerman trial, Florida lawmakers have decided to clarify key points of their infamous Stand Your Ground law, even though the law was not a part of Zimmerman's defense. "We can't afford to not address it, we'd lose Stevie Wonder," said one state representative, although other representatives denied they were influenced by Stevie's boycott. Another questioned whether he had even read the law.

A probable outcome of the re-working, said one, is that the Stand Your Ground law will be re-phrased so that an ordinary citizen will *have to* stand their ground, they won't be allowed to chase other citizens and harass them. Legal representatives from the Mormon Church and gutter guard companies are studying the changes to determine the effect on their clients, but have raised no objections at this time. "We don't have to back up, but we can't go forward," said a state senator. Jon Stewart, commenting on the remark on The Daily Show, said that *could* be a good choice for a new Florida state motto.

[pumpkinpi]

Oh, that was such an uninformed report. Jon Stewart is on leave from The Daily Show. John Oliver is the interim host. Either you mistakenly typed Stewart, or you TOTALLY MADE THAT UP!!!

[grapes]

Well, it *sounded* like him. I was listening to the podcast. If there is one. If there's not, I was watching TV with Stevie.

[FZR1KG]

Racism a proven fact (XOF statistics desk)

In the wake of the Zimmerman/Martin verdict tensions increased and new alarming statistics have come to light.
White on white crime is 86% of the white crime percentage.
Al Sharpton has united with Jesse Jackson demanding that white people finally get it through their thick heads that black people are worth mugging too.
"Its like these cracker honkies think that a black person has nothing of value to steal", says Al.
I was once walking the street and saw a mugging, relates Jackson, a white honkie taking another honkies wallet.
I got so damned pissed. I yelled at the guy, "So a black man isn't worth mugging, you racist mothefucker".
The guy ran off, again showing the racist blood flowing through his veins. A black man is scary.
God damned white assed motherfucker.
Sharpton and Jackson are calling all black people to protest in 200 cities in America.
We want the media to know that black people are just as worthy of being mugged as whites.
Show your support, demand to be mugged today.

When member of the audience pointed out that black on black crime is also about 86% so its really more about opportunity than anything else, Jackson screamed, "Shut the fuck up white boy. Black on black crime doesn't exist you jive ass honkie motherfucker. Go back to the white cave from which you came before I get my security to whip your ass. Don't come out till you no longer fear your black brothers...[unintelligible comments].

Due to public demands, FBI investigations have began on analysing the unintelligible comments. "Some people are claiming that Jesse made non racist remarks, but we just can't find anything to support or substantiate these claims and it doesn't fit any past records", says an FBI spokesperson.

[grapes]

KUTV TALKS ABOUT ASIANA CASE

On Thursday KUTV publicity spokesperson Dick Maroon expressed regret for the station's airing of fake Asiana pilot names. "We had contacted the National Transportation Safety Board and talked with someone named Justin Tern, but we did not verify his status at NTSB." Foote Enmouth, news anchor for the station, said he went over the report with assistant Iva Tineere, but neither one noticed at the time. Lead counsel Sue Buttov explained that it could have been worse, "When Foote first read the copy, he was pronouncing Asiana as 'asinine-a', but Iva caught that one." Where the fake pilot names came from in the first place remains unanswered.

[Sigma_Orionis]

Yeah I read about that, whomever came up with the names is a class A bastard, yes, they were pretty insulting and Asiana (or at the very least the crew of the plane) sure had the right to raise a ruckus about it (i doubt very much that the suit will prosper though), the sad part is that I still laughed my guts off.

[cid]

Yeah I read about that, whomever came up with the names is a class A bastard, yes, they were pretty insulting and Asiana (or at the very least the crew of the plane) sure had the right to raise a ruckus about it (i doubt very much that the suit will prosper though), the sad part is that I still laughed my guts off.

Me three...
And the info that the TV station came out with had been issued and confirmed by the NTSB...
How many people's hands (or brains) did that mess go through without being caught?
Takes kidneys, y'know...

[FZR1KG]

You've all already been told who did it, Sum Yang gai.

[Sigma_Orionis]

[Hap]

You've all already been told who did it, Sum Yang gai.

I think I saw that dish on a Korean restaraunt menu once...

[grapes]

It's a classical reference, Wayne's World:
Benjamin: Hey, who wants Chinese take-out? I know a great place!
Wayne Campbell: I'll have the "cream of sum yung guy".

[gethen]

Great Britain's Home Secretary Theresa May has asked for the radical Islamist organisation Boko Haram to be banned under terrorism laws.  As part of its in-depth reportage, XOF will explain what all this means.

Boko Haram means "western education is sinful (and all adherents deserve enduring death)".  You can't type it into Google Translate, however, because it's an amalgam of a couple languages.  It's a nickname for جماعة اهل السنة للدعوة والجهاد , which is translated as "People Committed to the Propagation of the Prophet's Teachings and Jihad".  Haram is perfectly good Arabic ( مذنب )for "sinful," but Boko is a Hausa word for "alphabet", derived from the English "book".  It could just as easily have come from "bok" which in Afrikaans means "goat" ("springbok"), or in Turkish means "shit", and a similar ultimate meaning would derive.  An easy mnemonic then is a *backwards* "harem book," which kinda all makes sense, when you think about it, right?  A Boko Haram group recently burned a school and slaughtered the children.

http://m.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-13809501
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boko_Haram

Thank you soooo much for clearing that up, Grapes. Somewhere, in some heretofore unknown dimension, Mike is laughing his ass off.

[SciFi Chick]

Thank you soooo much for clearing that up, Grapes. Somewhere, in some heretofore unknown dimension, Mike is laughing his ass off.

About a few things in this thread.

[FZR1KG]

*sigh* I still get teary eyed thinking about mIke and Elliot.
Not sure when that will stop but to be honest, I'm hoping never.

[grapes]

Thank you soooo much for clearing that up, Grapes. Somewhere, in some heretofore unknown dimension, Mike is laughing his ass off.

A tit for tat, I always say. Mike always tore me up.

And another reason I always carry tats with me wherever I go. But I just googled LOL Tats, and found *nothing*, that's gotta be an opportunity.

[Sigma_Orionis]

All run for cover, Grapes is about to have an idea

[Swift]

XOF News - London Bureau

This just in...

Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, has successfully given birth to a litter of seven kittens. Mother and kittens are reportedly doing well. As per tradition, the Queen will get pick of the litter, after which the kittens will be given to various members of the House of Lords.

[Swift]

XOF News - Correction

XOF News wishes to appoligize for an error in our earlier story. Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, has given birth to a human baby boy, not to a litter of kittens. It is Pippa Middleton's cat, Duchess, that has just given birth to kittens. We are sorry for any confusion.

In other royal baby news, it is reported that the Duke and Duchess had planned to name their baby North, and are very disappointed that Kim Kardashian got the jump on them.

[grapes]

XOF LOL TATS

OK, I found some, but it hasn't gone very far. The Mr. T tat is pretty weird:
http://loltatz.com/cuppa-mr-t/
These are even better, the guy that "appreciates the female form" is incredible:
http://lol-tats.livejournal.com/
Now, here's a lot more, the New England Patriot is inspired:
http://tattoofailure.com/tattoo/popular ... s-supposed
The "I'm Awsome" is pretty awesome:
http://coed.com/2009/06/23/210-wtf-were ... g-tattoos/

O well, LOL TATS is pretty much done. I'll just go in a slightly different direction. Here's a nice dragon tat:
http://flocondeneige-frivolite.blogspot ... tting.html

[grapes]

WONDER ANNOUNCES BOYCOTT SUPERGROUP

According to the HuffPost, a source close to Stevie Wonder has announced that other superstars will be joining in the boycott of all Stand Your Ground states. Stars include Madonna, Usher, Kanye West, Jay Z, Rihanna and Rod Stewart. Jay Z and Rhianna have denied a boycott.

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/3636567/

Kanye took a look at the list of states that have SYG laws (Alabama, Arizona, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Illinois , Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Michigan, Mississippi, Montana, Nevada, North Carolina, Oklahoma, Oregon, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Washington, and West Virginia) and immediately joined the boycott. "I don't go to these states anyway! I just have a couple questions. Why ain't Wyoming and North Dakota on this list? I can not go there too. Also, who's Rod Stewart?"

[grapes]

BUD BOUTIQUE OPENS IN DENVER

A marijuana specialty shop, the Bud Boutique, has just opened in Cherry Creek Shopping Center, catercorner from the Sweet Factory. Proprietors Jeffy Crumpler and Jo-Jo Merkle have assembled a small but impressive line-up of medicinals. The guys said their motto will be "service with a smile," and they went out of their way to prove it. "We've got a strain of Banana Diesel that comes with its own trading cards," said Crumpler, "and an unusual assortment of Shiva Skunk, Sour Grape, and Sweet Kush." Merkle added, "Don't forget the Alaskan Thunker Fuck, I mean, Thunner Fuck," and laughed. "You always do that!" said Crumpler. "I *do*, don't I?" laughed Merkle, "Thucker Funk, Thudder Fudder, Thunker Funk. Sigh...I can't say it, o well..."

When they were asked about reports that medical marijuana can cause morning sickness, they said "Whaaa...?" The Shopping Center management said that the shop could become one of the Center's top draws. Cough.

[grapes]

XOF DOCKET WATCH

NFL ANNOUNCES NEW CBA/CMA POLICY, all negotiations/totes must be transparent

NY APPEALS COURT REJECTS LIMIT ON SIZE OF SUGAR DRINKS, consumers should just die instead

COURT ORDERS PORNO COMPANY TO STOP USING BEN AND JERRY'S TRADEMARK, waffles on "a nice cream in your mouth"

PETA LAWYERS IN NC 'POSSUM SUIT AWARDED $75,000, second place went to three guys dressed as a large furry bird

[grapes]

XOF Ombudsman, Office of the Ombudsman:

XOF apologizes to readers of XOF DOCKET WATCH. We said "consumers should just die instead", but we meant "US consumers should just diet instead". XOF regrets the error.

ETA: After discussion with the legal department, who received a large overnighted box with cows and clouds on it, we're changing our Ben and Jerry's headline comment to "an ice cream waffle cone in your mouth". Satisfied??

XOF also apologizes to readers of XOF LOL TATS.

[grapes]

XOF NEWS EWE EWES


ARIEL CASTRO SENTENCED TO LIFE PLUS 1000 YEARS, blames homeowners association

ROYAL WATCH: NOW THAT PRINCE G.A.L. IS BORN, MEDIA ATTENTION SHIFTS, who's Harry boinking?

DOLPHINS DYING ALONG JERSEY SHORE, officials point to high levels of tanning agents

AL JAZEERA: US PARTICIPATES IN END OF RAMADAN CELEBRATIONS, closes embassies for observance 

XOF REVEALS NAME OF NEXT DR. WHO ACTRESS ON SUNDAY, oops, we've said too much

[FZR1KG]

NEWS JUST IN:
(XOF, operation white wash desk)

Manning's lawyer reveals a secret weapons program, has photographic proof taken on US base shortly before Manning decided spill his load to the world.
The photo which Manning himself took at great risk to his person, shows a massive weapon that can be smuggled through airports, border crossings and customs. Its designed to be easily smuggled and looks innocent enough to the untrained eye. Manning however with his years of experience in handling these weapons which included several near explosions that could have taken his face off says they are dangerous and a serious threat to US security. A threat to every man woman and child in the USA. Once deployed the weapon increases in size, mass and volume shortly before exploding providing a small window of warning. Manning is not willing to give details how it is activated but warned he may do so in a future release if his cell conditions are not according to his standards.
A room full of reporters was shown the photograph.
Two women fainted, one man yelled, "YES!!", 23 people said it looked like a black mans penis taken by a shaky phone camera in a public urinal.
One little voice from the back could be heard to say, "He'll be learning to defuse a lot more where he's going" followed by a huge belly laugh.