XOF News

[grapes]

Or just wishful thinking.

And what was I wishing for? My two "local" teams to play each other? A worn out old white guy to oppose a young under-appreciated black guy? And the broncos, as is their privilege have chosen their white uniforms, which allows the panthers to choose their black uniforms. I just wanted to drink beer and watch football! I may just go fishing in the mountains instead. Let me know when it's over.

[Thumper]

Fishing in the mountains cannot be over rated. But don't let them necessarily spoil your football fun.

[grapes]

XOF AMMO AMASS AIMAT





Facebook recently announced it was banning private sales of firearms on its social media sites. FotNRA quickly disseminated a protocol to circumvent the new restrictions, a code using common Facebook terminology. A cat video means "I have a gun to sell." Various misspellings indicate make, model, and caliber of the firearm. Commenting on the video means "I'd like to purchase that firearm." The number of exclamation points indicates how many hundreds of dollars the purchaser is willing to pay. In the first ten hours of its implementation, they report they've facilitated 1,376,300 successful transactions. Not everyone is happy about it. Martha Volstad complained, after her credit card was charged for a used M134 Minigun, "Them sunsabitches! It cost me $200 more than my last one! Makes me wanta shoot sumpin'."

[grapes]

XOF ELECTION RUN AMOK





SANDERS CAMPAIGN SAYS GEORGE WASHINGTON WAS FATHER OF NANNY STATE, because, you know, he had a nanny

CLINTON WILL CREATE NEW SECURITY CLASSIFICATION, TMI, sheer volume will "protect" "secrets" from "enemies"

OBAMA ASSERTS HIMSELF, "Hey I'm still the damn president!"

MEGYN KELLY JOINS TRUMP TEAM, everyone has their price; negotiations continue with Hillary

CHENEY DAUGHTER AGAIN ATTACKS WYOMING, most gullible state

CANDIDATES AFRAID OF REVEALING SUPER BOWL PICK PRIOR TO IOWA CAUCUSES, fear alienating fantasy voters

[Sigma_Orionis]

MEGYN KELLY JOINS TRUMP TEAM, everyone has their price; negotiations continue with Hillary

[grapes]

XOF EXIT CAUCAU





XOF was in Des Moines, bending a few elbows, breaking a few arms, the usual. We listened to the people:

"Nobody expected Trump to be in the top ten in Iowa, when he started. So he 'won'. Hopefully he'll 'win' again in November."

"I'm voting for Bernie because I think Elizabeth Warren should be our next president."

"Trump was leading in the Des Moines poll, but them's big-city voters."

"I voted for her because she's the only one with a chance. I think young voters will relate to casual pants suits, like mine."

"Was Jeb Bush there? O, I would've voted for him, but I didn't see him."

"Both Hillary and Donald would be the second-oldest presidents to take office, older than William Henry Harrison, who got sick at the inauguration and died. Reagan was a few months older than they would be, but Bernie is much older than Reagan was."

[Sigma_Orionis]

We could call that the "Des Moines Blues"

[grapes]

XOF BOOMERS PTUI!




THE DECAYING PRESIDENCY

The Baby Boomers just don't know when to give up:

(Number in parentheses is age at Inauguration Day)

Bernie Sanders (75)
Ronald Reagan (69) (oldest president ever)
Donald Trump (69)
Hillary Clinton (69)
William Henry Harrison (68) (second oldest, died one month later)
Zachary Taylor (65) (third oldest)
George Bush (64)

ETA: the only two presidents to have been in office past their 70th birthday have been Reagan, and Eisenhower (who left office three months after turning 70)

[grapes]

XOF DRONING




Amazon, to accelerate delivery of the 200 brick-and-mortar bookstores that they recently promised, has agreed to purchase all of the remaindered stores that have just been vacated by Walmart. "All they have to do is tear off the front covers, and we will give Walmart full credit for them," said spokes-drone SM&THA. Industry critics fear that Amazon is just mimicking Walmart's scorched earth policy and this is only a local-level "field-clearing" that will streamline the so-called copyright market. When asked about this, SM&THA said, "Hmmmmm..."

[Sigma_Orionis]

Wait a minute, the same stores Walmart just leased to the US Government to be used as Concentration Camps during Jade Helm?

[grapes]

uh-oh, could SamMart be double-dipping?

We have a situation in a small town in this state where the big store leveled all other competition, and now leaves behind a small food desert. Locals are complaining that the corporation doesn't want to consider their offer--probably because they'd waste time and ultimately get a worse deal than if they sold off the stores as a package to another conglom.

I think I mentioned that.

[Thumper]

Or just wishful thinking.

And what was I wishing for? My two "local" teams to play each other? A worn out old white guy to oppose a young under-appreciated black guy? And the broncos, as is their privilege have chosen their white uniforms, which allows the panthers to choose their black uniforms. I just wanted to drink beer and watch football! I may just go fishing in the mountains instead. Let me know when it's over.

Well, did you watch the game? I'm no Manning fan but was happy to see Newton knocked down a peg or two. This game was won by the defense, the guys in the trenches. That was good.

[Swift]

What the fuck is a puppy-monkey-baby? I'm going to have nightmares about that.

[grapes]

XOF FIRST WIVES CLUB





XOF's internecine struggle to determine a consensus presidential endorsement has resulted in a bit of a late announcement. This is what we came up with, probably a little too late to influence New Hampshire:


---------- XOF endorses Obama in 2016 -----------

[grapes]

My front lawn, bumper sticker on my truck, cubicle at work

Spelled with two L's, just like Hillary, and "spelled"

---------- XOF endorses Obama in 2016 -----------

[Thumper]

Nice

[grapes]

"I'm voting for Bernie because I think Elizabeth Warren should be our next president."

This is happening! To hell with Michelle.

(Wait, that's a heckova campaign slogan, I may have to think about this...)

[grapes]

XOF THE ORIGINAL ARTFUL SMEAR





KANYE SAYS HE WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR GETTING OBAMA ELECTED, made that bitch Bill Clinton famous too

HILLARY BARKS AT REPUBLICANS, bites much worse

CHRIS CHRISTIE QUITS RACE, IN PIQUE BLOCKS NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE, his own self

CANADA DECLARES ITSELF TO BE ANCHOR COUNTRY, everybody eligible to be US president

BREAKING NEWS: SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE SCALIA ALIVE IN PATAGONIA, he strongly dissents

[grapes]

XOF NUMERO UNO



http://www.catchnews.com/world-news/oni ... 89681.html

We at XOF were thrilled to find out that Hillary has bought the Onion. That leaves us alone on top of the political satire field. We asked Hillary about the purchase, and she growled, "and you thought I didn't have a sense of humor!"

[Swift]

XOF NUMERO UNO



http://www.catchnews.com/world-news/oni ... 89681.html

We at XOF were thrilled to find out that Hillary has bought the Onion. That leaves us alone on top of the political satire field. We asked Hillary about the purchase, and she growled, "and you thought I didn't have a sense of humor!"

I thought The Onion minus Hillary satire was called "The Huffington Post"?

[grapes]

XOF NEWS






TRUMP SAYS POPE IS NOT A GOOD AMERICAN, wall will exclude Argentinians as well

OREGON OCCUPIER SUES EVERYBODY FOR 2/3 OF A TRILLION, everybody is complicit including own self

[Thumper]

Was that bat $hit crazy d|ck even from Oregon?

[grapes]

Was that bat $hit crazy d|ck even from Oregon?

Not a dick, a Shawna Cox: http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/ ... -the-devil

Saying that she's the victim of malicious prosecution, Cox states that her group was using the legal tactic of "hostile adverse possession" to expose what they see as the federal government's fraudulent handling of land in the former Northwest Territories.

In her complaint filed in U.S. District Court in Oregon, Cox also says the group seized control of Malheur at a time when the refuge was preparing to shut down for the winter. She denies interfering with government employees, saying, "If anything, it was their choice to not come to work, out of guilt."

Hostile adverse possession? Of course! Like colonials did to the aboriginals. Totally legal tactic.

[grapes]

XOF NEWS





JOHN McAFEE OFFERS TO BREAK INTO iPHONE FOR FBI, to keep hackers from stealing backdoor from Apple

ALLIGATORS IN DECLINE IN FLORIDA, most likely culprits are cougars and wolves

PEYTON MANNING SIGNS $20 MILLION ENDORSEMENT DEAL, will represent twenty-something bonus babies too full of themselves

EXIT POLLS AT SCALIA FUNERAL SHOW SLIGHT EDGE FOR JANE KELLY, her name noticeably absent from floral tributes though

[grapes]

XOF ON TAP






On Friday, Donald Trump was asked to characterize his own ethnicity. Specifically, our roving XOF correspondent, Lafonda Avery, asked him if he considered himself to be EuroAmerican. He leaped upon the double entendre and declared, "No, I am not a EuroAmerican! I am a DollarAmerican!" She replied, "Just a DollarAmerican? Why not a BillionAmerican?" He was momentarily flummoxed, then said, "I'd be a BrazilionAmerican, if I knew how big a Brazilion was." The crowd roared their approval.