XOF News

[Thumper]

"I'd be a BrazilionAmerican, if I knew how big a Brazilion was."

I love that joke, especially when you use GWB.

[vendic]

"I'd be a BrazilionAmerican, if I knew how big a Brazilion was."

I love that joke, especially when you use GWB.

So do I. Cracked me up the first time I heard it. Second and third times too. It's just that good.

[grapes]

TR¥MP was being deliberately ironic. His supporters ate it up, they're planning on getting wasted when he wins. They even got Chris Rock's Asian child labor reference, which is more than I can say for most of Hollywood.

[Sigma_Orionis]

Donald Drumpf's Next Four State of the Union Addresses

XOF SOOOPER DOOPER SECRET DESK

January 2018:

"Look Guys, I really did well, but the mess left by Obama was so YUGE SOOOOOO YUGE THAT The economy needs time to heal. That YUGE Tax Cut I had in place last year, is really gonna pay off in 2018, This year is gonna to be TERRIFIC! OK?"

January 2019

"Look Guys, I REALLY did a good job, but China and Russia are ganging up against me, Vlad Putin is a liar, we had a deal and he didn't deliver. I'm gonna sue his ass silly, I'm gonna send Seal Team Six and Delta to kidnap the SOB and then I'm gonna send his ass to Guantanamo. Once that is done, this year is gonna be TERRIFIC! OK?"

January 2020

"Look Guys, I REALLY DID WELL, it's amazing how well I did, but Federal Employees ain't helping, they refuse to work for $2.25 an hour, and they expect medical and dental plans. That's no way to run a business! I'm gonna sue them all and import a whole pile of temp workers from Romania and Albania, and everything will be fine! Mark My Words, this year is gonna be TERRIFIC! OK?"

January 2021

"I hereby present my resignation to the office of the president of the USA, give me my golden parachute and it better be all there or I will sue your asses silly".

[Swift]

I think your Way-Forward Machine may be a little out of calibration and may be picking up an alternative timeline; this is what I get:

January 2020

"This is an alert from the Emergency Broadcast System; this is not a test. All citizens are requested to take shelter immediately. This is not a test"


I don't get any signal from the Way-Forward Machine after about January 27, 2020. Maybe mine is out of calibration too....

[Sigma_Orionis]

You've been channeling Johnny Smith again huh?

[Swift]

You've been channeling Johnny Smith again huh?

Johnny Smith? The jazz guitarist?

[Sigma_Orionis]

This Johnny Smith

[vendic]

XOF News
Election polling desk.
A random sample of 1000 people were asked questions regarding the trust that they put into various politicians.
Q1 Who do you trust more, a rattlesnake vs each of the republican and democratic hopefuls.


Rattlesnake vs Hillary:
60% of those surveyed trusted the rattlesnake over Hillary. One respondent noted, a rattlesnake is a gentleman's snake. It gives plenty of warning by rattling before it strikes. You just never know with Hillary. She could slither off or bite. There's just no telling if you look back at previous encounters. The rattler is consistent and gives ample warning. Now if it was say, a pit viper, we're looking at a harder call.


Rattlesnake vs Sanders:
90% say Sanders is the more trustworthy. Most respondents noted that even when Sanders bit, he was more like a Black snake. They are fast, give a nasty bite but, really are generally harmless, non venomous and are really good at bringing the rat population down.


Rattlesnake vs Trump:
Only 10% of people say Trump is more trustworthy, and asked, is Senator Rattlesnake a Republican or Democrat?
The general consensus is Trump is about as trust worthy as a Black Mamba. Those things will hunt you down and bite you just for the hell of it. No rhyme or reason said one respondent.


Rattlesnake or Ben Carson:
100% of people trust Ben over a rattlesnake. Without question he is more trustworthy. He's like cute, harmless, clueless and just generally non intimidating at all. Bit like a garter snake really. If it was a toss up between a garter snake and Ben as who is the most trustworthy, it would be a close call.


Rattlesnake vs Cruz:
100% of respondents say they would trust the snake. There's just no question about it one respondent said. The rattlesnake keeps to itself and is only a threat if you provoke it and even then it gives you warning. Not like Cruz. He's more like a spitting Cobra. You don't even need to get bit to go blind and insane. Just being in near proximity to it is enough if it spits it's venom in your direction or some off spray directed at someone else can also get you. It takes days to recover just from that. It's nasty. Just a plain nasty snake. It would be a tough call voting between it or Cruz.


Rattlesnake vs Rubio:
A virtual tie between the respondents. The rattler has it's rattles and Rubio has his sweat. If you notice either, you might need to back off slowly. Up till that point they're both pretty quiet and keep to themselves. They are pretty predictable though. That's why there are so many rattler boots and belts around. So if you know what you're doing it's no problem, but, if you've never been around either, then you might get bit. Like the rattler though, with a little help and you'll recover from a bite. You'll just feel nauseous for a while but that's about it.


Rattlesnake vs Jeb Bush:
100% of respondents trust Jeb more than a rattler. As one responder put it, he's just not even in the same league. He's more like a blind snake. Not that he's blind mind you but he sure doesn't look like he knows where he's going. Pretty harmless too. You just wonder about a snake like that. It looks like it needs the protection of mommy at all times so while it might be harmless, mommy might not be and she might be lurking around the corner so watch out.


Rattlesnake vs Kasich, Christie Fiorina and a few others we forgot about:
100% of responders asked the same question, "A rattlesnake vs who?".

[grapes]

XOF REARS ITS REAR



FINALLY, USA VOTERS HAVE TWO CHOICES: NEVER-TRUMP OR NEVER-CLINTON

ANALYSTS AT KY DERBY PROVE NYQUIST RATE NOT BANDLIMITED

NC GOVERNOR ANNOUNCES OFFER TO BUTTFUCK ANY CITIZEN, REGARDLESS OF GENDER

BISON DECLARED USA NATIONAL MAMMAL, WE'VE ALL BEEN BUFFALOED, RIGHT?

[Ikyoto]

XOF REARS ITS REAR



FINALLY, USA VOTERS HAVE TWO CHOICES: NEVER-TRUMP OR NEVER-CLINTON

ANALYSTS AT KY DERBY PROVE NYQUIST RATE NOT BANDLIMITED

NC GOVERNOR ANNOUNCES OFFER TO BUTTFUCK ANY CITIZEN, REGARDLESS OF GENDER

BISON DECLARED USA NATIONAL MAMMAL, WE'VE ALL BEEN BUFFALOED, RIGHT?

Well played... good form.

[grapes]

Unfortunately, the writer of that piece has been caned. Our Editor in charge of consistency noticed that our policy on sexual euphemisms had been validated. Crap! "canned" "violated" can we lease get rid of this peace of shit autocorrect??

[vendic]

It's also the first time in American history that people get to vote between which of two Republicans they want in office.
The one with the loud mouth or the rich one.

[Swift]

XOF Drinking/Sporting News

Major League Baseball and Budweiser Brewing (Official Yellow Swill of MLB) announced today that in conjunction with Budweiser's recent promotion, labeling their beer cans and bottles "America" instead of "Budweiser", that all American league ballparks will have weekly 10 Cent Beer Nights. Jim Trofflespotnor, a spokesman for MLB said at the press conference "What could go wrong?"

[grapes]

XOF PAST LESSONS





ARKANSAS TEXTBOOK CLAIMS CLINTON WAS FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT AND FIRST WOMAN PRESIDENT, no need for second one

COUPLE IN NEW JERSEY SUBURB DISCOVER HORNS IN BACKYARD, evidence of early Viking explorers, selling them on ebay

MSNBC PURCHASES "HISTORY" TRADEMARK, applies hashtag #history to each of its stories

VIKING HORNS FOUND AS FAR SOUTH AS FLORIDA, bid offers plummet, New Jersey couple sues

MORMONS IN WYOMING SAY VIKINGS WERE TELEPORTED TO UTAH FIRST, found evidence in hidden cave

VIKING DESCENDANTS SUE TO RECOVER CULTURAL ARTIFACTS, "please, no more horns"

[grapes]

XOF SOCIAL MEDIA RES



ELECTION 2016, THE BOOMERS' LAST HURRAH, that seventies show

FAMILY IN DUBUQUE BAFFLED BY THE LACK OF TV COVERAGE OF THEIR SUNDAY DINNER

65 YEAR-OLD SURPRISED AT BIRTHDAY PARTY, bewildered, asks "wtf just happened?"

NEWSPAPERS???

POET FINISHES WRITING MARATHON, "I'm exhausted, in a good way, I used every single known trope! Now, I'm going to self-medicate."

[Swift]

YELLOWSTONE TOURISTS JOIN FORCES FOR MAXIMUM STUPIDITY

XOF News - Wild Life News

In honor of the 100th Anniversary of the creation of the US National Park Service, tourists have decided to maximize the havoc they can create in our parks, and really give NPS Rangers a run for their money. Not to be outdone by recent efforts to car pool bison calves or to cook their toes the hydrothermal way, a group of Yellowstone customers were recently escorted off of park property for placing several baby bison on top of Old Faithful, just before an eruption.

"They looked so cold out there, I mean they didn't have mittens or anything. We checked the program schedule and we had just enough time to put them on that Old Faith Hill thing to warm them up. We figured all that steam would also be so good for their pores"

Restaurant Services manager Gary McPleason denied any connection of this incident to yesterday's lunch special of hot beef sandwiches.

[grapes]

XOF Until Morale Improves



XOF HS has issued a memorandum of understanding (I think I showed amazing restraint in not contracting that to an acronym) regarding the latest employee relations negotiations. They have succumbed to the inevitable, and are now willing to entertain the possibility of adopting the Istanbul Protocol to our own needs here at XOF headquarters. No promises, of course, but it will be reviewed by the committee, with a decision expected in two weeks. Keep your fingers crossed!

Ina related note, Smudge Fredricks, our typesetter, is out of the hospital and it appears that his left hand will be fully functional soon. The right is still waking up. He says he's just glad to be back to work, and he has cancelled that vacation trip to the Guitar Hero Con in Aberdeen.

[grapes]

XOF PARALLEL UNIVERSES



1968 <---> 2016
Hippies <---> Hipsters
Johnson <---> Obama
Kennedy/Humphrey <---> Clinton
McCarthy <---> Sanders
Wallace/Nixon <---> Trump

Uncanny, idnit?

[grapes]

XOF OMBUDUDE



We received a small packet of virulent mail about our last edition, wherein we compared today's enlightened times with the murky late sixties. We were *not* trying to say that the Teens were equivalent to the Sixties, heaven forfend, just drawing parallels. I mean, hippies and hipsters start with the same letters, that's all. No other connection.

We were not making any sort of comparison of the Johnson and Obama ears, although some do, we were just pointing out the civil rights legacies of both gentlemen, and their propensity for long-distance stand-off killing of their international opponents.

We were not suggesting that Hillary would suffer the same fate as RFK, far from it, we were just pointing out that she had a close familial relationship with a recent president. We were not suggesting that she was going to lose the election, as Humphrey did, just pointing out the vague political and physical similarities.

We were not suggesting that Sanders is going to be a candidate for a "New Party", just that he seemed earnest and idealistic and of forlorn hope.

We were not suggesting that Trump was going to win the election (Nixon) or lose his legs (Wallace), just that he'll probably end up deeply regretting large parts of his political career, if he hasn't already.


ETA: OMG, I don't know how we missed this one:

Lynda Bird and Luci Baines <---> Malia Ann and Natasha

[grapes]

XOF AWARD WINNING





The XOF Theatre Department has just heard that they are up for a Tony tonight, for their seat-of-the-pants production of Hamilton. It's a lilting tale of the discovery of quaternions, and examines deeply the joy of mathematics. It features the boffo musical number I Put A Spell On You, a duet duel between Jeff Krineman playing the eight-year old Hamilton, and Sherry Winsome playing the insufferable Zerah Colburn, as they go toe-to-toe in the streets of Dublin. Also can't miss is the tour de force What Is A Hamiltonian? which describes in delirious musicality the various forms of the Hamiltonian. Wish them luck!

[Sigma_Orionis]

So, they made a musical about a Swedish Special Forces Operative?

[grapes]

Sorta like that.

And then...the final chorus is a rollicking romp through the enchanted forest of classical mechanics. It ends with Alexander Pope's words, with the entire house shouting "Let Newton be!" Sends inspired chills down your spine.

[code monkey]

the Hamiltonian! what an operator!!

[grapes]

Yes. All kidding aside, it just begs for the platinum star treatment, maybe at your next national math/physics convocation