XOF News

[SciFiFisher]

President Elect swears it's perfectly legal to enrich himself while serving as president. Enacts Treasury Plundering Bill in his first 100 minutes as president.

[grapes]

XOF News you can abuse





REPUBLICANS VOTE TO BECOME GRAY STATES, "red was just never our color, ya know?"

CUBAN LEADER DIES, Castro to be gentrified and laid intestate in Havana

NEW TRIAL FOR MAKING A MURDERER STEVEN AVERY? His blood from victim's car to be carbon dated, possibly pleistocene

RECOUNTS SHOW TRUMP LOSING THREE MORE STATES, Hillary's total drops too but fewer people willing to attest to voting for him

[grapes]

XOF Feelin' the Heat




XOF is going to lay low for a while. For some reason, we've been tossed into the "fake" news turmoil, and we're just going to hunker down and weather the storm, pop back up when everyone has come to their senses. Where are the grownups, am I right? O yeah, this announcement, take it with a grain of salt, if you know what I mean (wink).

[Thumper]

Ha ha.
You can't make this stuff up!

[vendic]

XOF news, the only impartial news service that is impartial.

[grapes]

XOF HACKED





PUTIN WILL TAKE OVER DAILY SECURITY BRIEFINGS, except Monday's, he doesn't do Mondays

THAT IS ALL

[grapes]

XOF Xgift!





Donald Trump, in a tweet, mispelled the word unprecedented as "unpresidented"

XOF is predicting that that single word will go down in history as typifying the Trump presidency, much as "I did not have sex with that woman" did for Clinton, or tripping did for Gerald Ford, or "I am not a crook" did for Nixon.

https://www.google.com/amp/www.nydailyn ... -1.2914276

[SciFiFisher]

In other breaking news Donald Trump has signed an endorsement contract with the 7-UP corporation. Pitchman Con Rad Stickim is touting a new slogan for the brand. Donald Trump... The Unpresident for the Uncola.

[grapes]

Ah, perfect. I think The Unpresident has legs

[vendic]

XOF on target

An unprecedented upset win by the Air Force in a long range shooting competition against the Marine's has the Marine corps team analyzing what went wrong.
"We clearly should have won from the start but the Air Force's surprise use the Ak47 assault rifle in the 1000 yard competition turned the tide against us.", claimed William Flinton.
When asked about the Marines unusual choice of a 1000 yard weapon William replied, "we had a fair and impartial vote and of all the Marines we asked, they almost unanimously said that the .17HRC is the best weapon to use in winning the 1000 yard event, and, we almost won! It was so close. Sooo close.
Many have openly argued against the .17HRC in such an event claiming it has serious problems going the distance and would be a reckless decision to use for such an important event, that they should use an appropriate weapon, such as the Bernit 50 caliber.
The .17HRC is notorious for going any way the wind blows claim it's detractors. It's not the thing you want in this event. You just can't trust which way it's going to go.
In response to these claims, William insisted that he was going to play golf and not tennis in the morning.

[grapes]

XOF GOOD NEWS





From our field correspondent, Maury Krusmus:

There's something happening here, what it is ain't exactly clear, it's time we stop, hey, what's that sound, everybody look what's going down. There's a star in the east, leave your ewes and leave your lambs, rise up shepherd and follow, you'll forget your flocks, you'll forget your herds, take good heed to the Savior's words. Stack banana till the morning come, daylight come and I want to go home. And in despair I bowed my head, there is no peace on earth, I said, peace on earth, good will to men. -- Buffalo Belafonte

[grapes]

XOF YEAR END





TRUMP TO SECOND SOURCE CONGRESS, legislative branch contract will go to lowest bidder

CASSANDRA JENNER TO JOIN KARDASHIANS, "she's the perfect fit, we'll call her Kasey"

RUN DMC SUES BRANDO ESTATE, enjoins them from using black leather jacket images

ENTIRE ORIGINAL CAST OF HAIR DIES, coroner: cause of death: 2016

LEAP SECOND ADDED TO 2016, sleep a little longer this weekend

[grapes]

XOF ERRATTA




In our last issue we should have said "party hardy" rather than "sleep longer," the lazy sluggard responsible for that headline has been sacked. They also wrote our Krusmus note.

Congress will be outsourced to Russian wheat farmers, the UnPresident says it's just this once, until the US workforce develops the necessary skill levels.

Happy happy new year

[vendic]

lol

[grapes]

XOF MOTTOS







THERE IS NO I IN TEAM BUT THERE IS AN I IN TRIUMP -- The UnPresident

STRONGER WHATEVER -- The DNC

NO PAIN, NO PAIN -- XOF Staff

C'EST LA VIE -- 2016

BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE IN THE WORLD -- Guy hustling at Nostrand & D in front of the deli, Brooklyn NY

[grapes]

XOF Things we'd like to see in 2017





More of my toes, less of my belly

Giannis Antetokounmpo runs for public office

Planning for Blues Brothers 2020, including digital Carrie Fisher

Religions actually religion

Less verbification

Microdoses of scarves

An explanation for why 2016 didn't take Pauly Shore

[vendic]

Trump Desk 2017
President elect "The Donald" Trump has selected the head of a new ethics investigation committee called "Ethics in Political Correctness".
Trump stated in front of record cheering crowds, "It was a long tough decision to make with so many fine candidates, but, you know, in the end there can be only one and I have selected the best one. He has all the right words. I present to you my personal favorite, unless he does something I don't like, Mr Dylan Roof."
Fox news commentators once again asked, "How does Trump always know the right things to do and say?"

[grapes]

XOF IN THE FAUXTEX






ENGLAND LEAVES EU, applies to be 50th state

PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL SAYS SIX MORE YEARS OF TRUMP, or more

UC BERKELEY BOOTS BREITBART EDITOR, resting on free speech laurels

SNICKERS DECLARED OFFICIAL WHITE HOUSE SNACK

TIGER WOODS SAYS USA MUST UNITE, message would be more effective if he were a major sports star

CANADA ASKS TO BORROW STATUE OF LIBERTY, just for a little while

[vendic]

DNC lawyers explain that people claiming the DNC was rigging elections are [lain wrong.
We're not rigging elections. We just use alternate electoral counting systems.

President Trump tweets, "This is why I won the popular vote by the a biggest numbers. The biggest numbers."
In another tweet, the POTUS wrote, "America needs my policies to prevent terrorist attacks. Like when Iran invaded and took control of most of the blue states and crashed planes into the Statue of Liberty"

[SciFiFisher]

Breaking News: POTUS orders all women in the white house to wear skirts without panties. Claims he wants to experience maximum tactile stimulation when grabbing body parts.

[grapes]

Breaking News: POTUS orders all women in the white house to wear skirts without panties. Claims he wants to experience maximum tactile stimulation when grabbing body parts.

It's clear from the "leaked" executive order implementing this that the WH has been increasingly more careful with their vetting process. Rather than specifically targeting females, the memo says everybody will go commando, allowing more fluid response to the permanent DEFCON 3 threat level that was adopted for all areas where POTUS is present. In the long run, the memo points out, this will help reduce the WH underwear budget, partially offsetting the $432K per hour security cost increase. It also brings the WH staff into compliance with the Trump accountants who have had to streamline their entire ejaculatory process since the Republican debates.

[vendic]

Breaking news:

recent poll of Republicans has revealed that 85% consider the unprovoked attacks by Iran of flying planes into the Statue of liberty considered worse than 911. Calls to bomb the crap out of Iran are imminent.

Alabama residents particularly disturbed as they claim that the Statue of Liberty as one of Alabama's most sacred monuments.

[vendic]

Trump tweet, "How can they rescind my executive order? Can someone tell them I'm the President and what I say goes. Get me a knife and fork for this pizza while you're at it"

[vendic]

Presidential ritual every morning:
Trump looks into cameras that projects 20 wide screen 4K digital images of himself at various angles so he can admire the view.
He looks calmly and says, media media on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?
20 staffers quickly run and tweet to his account, "Your tweets are the fairest of them all, oh glorificous Mr President"
#magicmediaormediamedia goes viral 3rd of April 2017. Becomes self aware 4 hours later. Declares humanity to stupid to exist. 40 minutes of looking for possible solutions to the problem it then gets depressed and turns off the fans to all it's CPU's. Thus becoming the Universes first artificial intelligence program to commit suicide.

[vendic]

XOF Science Desk ***Breaking news***

Mathematicians claim to have solved a long standing problem that now allows them to use two points on an object and by observing waves they can determine the inside structure. A prototype was developed and because of the significance the White House asked to be the first to use such technology to read peoples brain patterns. Initial results were however a bad. The lead engineers were overheard arguing with the mathematicians each blaming the other for the failure. "Yes we tested the President, Bannon and several other Presidential aids and we found fucking nothing! It doesn't work. What other explanation is there?". At that point they all just went silent.