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Re: XOF News
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Posted:
Wed Nov 23, 2016 4:12 pm
by SciFiFisher
President Elect swears it's perfectly legal to enrich himself while serving as president. Enacts Treasury Plundering Bill in his first 100 minutes as president.
Re: XOF News
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Posted:
Mon Nov 28, 2016 4:56 pm
by grapes
XOF News you can abuse
REPUBLICANS VOTE TO BECOME GRAY STATES, "red was just never our color, ya know?"
CUBAN LEADER DIES, Castro to be gentrified and laid intestate in Havana
NEW TRIAL FOR MAKING A MURDERER STEVEN AVERY? His blood from victim's car to be carbon dated, possibly pleistocene
RECOUNTS SHOW TRUMP LOSING THREE MORE STATES, Hillary's total drops too but fewer people willing to attest to voting for him
Re: XOF News
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Posted:
Fri Dec 09, 2016 6:38 pm
by grapes
XOF Feelin' the Heat
XOF is going to lay low for a while. For some reason, we've been tossed into the "fake" news turmoil, and we're just going to hunker down and weather the storm, pop back up when everyone has come to their senses. Where are the grownups, am I right? O yeah, this announcement, take it with a grain of salt, if you know what I mean (wink).
Re: XOF News
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Posted:
Fri Dec 09, 2016 7:06 pm
by Thumper
![Razz :P](./images/smilies/icon_razz.gif)
Ha ha.
You can't make this stuff up!
Re: XOF News
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Posted:
Sat Dec 10, 2016 1:22 am
by vendic
XOF news, the only impartial news service that is impartial.
Re: XOF News
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Posted:
Sat Dec 10, 2016 11:14 pm
by grapes
XOF HACKED
PUTIN WILL TAKE OVER DAILY SECURITY BRIEFINGS, except Monday's, he doesn't do Mondays
THAT IS ALL
Re: XOF News
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Posted:
Sun Dec 18, 2016 8:29 pm
by grapes
XOF Xgift!
Donald Trump, in a tweet, mispelled the word unprecedented as "unpresidented"
XOF is predicting that that single word will go down in history as typifying the Trump presidency, much as "I did not have sex with that woman" did for Clinton, or tripping did for Gerald Ford, or "I am not a crook" did for Nixon.
https://www.google.com/amp/www.nydailyn ... -1.2914276
Re: XOF News
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Posted:
Sun Dec 18, 2016 10:56 pm
by SciFiFisher
In other breaking news Donald Trump has signed an endorsement contract with the 7-UP corporation. Pitchman Con Rad Stickim is touting a new slogan for the brand. Donald Trump... The Unpresident for the Uncola.
Re: XOF News
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Posted:
Mon Dec 19, 2016 3:59 pm
by grapes
Ah, perfect. I think The Unpresident has legs
Re: XOF News
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Posted:
Thu Dec 22, 2016 11:17 am
by vendic
XOF on target
An unprecedented upset win by the Air Force in a long range shooting competition against the Marine's has the Marine corps team analyzing what went wrong.
"We clearly should have won from the start but the Air Force's surprise use the Ak47 assault rifle in the 1000 yard competition turned the tide against us.", claimed William Flinton.
When asked about the Marines unusual choice of a 1000 yard weapon William replied, "we had a fair and impartial vote and of all the Marines we asked, they almost unanimously said that the .17HRC is the best weapon to use in winning the 1000 yard event, and, we almost won! It was so close. Sooo close.
Many have openly argued against the .17HRC in such an event claiming it has serious problems going the distance and would be a reckless decision to use for such an important event, that they should use an appropriate weapon, such as the Bernit 50 caliber.
The .17HRC is notorious for going any way the wind blows claim it's detractors. It's not the thing you want in this event. You just can't trust which way it's going to go.
In response to these claims, William insisted that he was going to play golf and not tennis in the morning.
Re: XOF News
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Posted:
Sat Dec 24, 2016 5:35 pm
by grapes
XOF GOOD NEWS
From our field correspondent, Maury Krusmus:
There's something happening here, what it is ain't exactly clear, it's time we stop, hey, what's that sound, everybody look what's going down. There's a star in the east, leave your ewes and leave your lambs, rise up shepherd and follow, you'll forget your flocks, you'll forget your herds, take good heed to the Savior's words. Stack banana till the morning come, daylight come and I want to go home. And in despair I bowed my head, there is no peace on earth, I said, peace on earth, good will to men. -- Buffalo Belafonte
Re: XOF News
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Posted:
Fri Dec 30, 2016 2:56 pm
by grapes
XOF YEAR END
TRUMP TO SECOND SOURCE CONGRESS, legislative branch contract will go to lowest bidder
CASSANDRA JENNER TO JOIN KARDASHIANS, "she's the perfect fit, we'll call her Kasey"
RUN DMC SUES BRANDO ESTATE, enjoins them from using black leather jacket images
ENTIRE ORIGINAL CAST OF HAIR DIES, coroner: cause of death: 2016
LEAP SECOND ADDED TO 2016, sleep a little longer this weekend
Re: XOF News
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Posted:
Fri Dec 30, 2016 3:06 pm
by grapes
XOF ERRATTA
In our last issue we should have said "party hardy" rather than "sleep longer," the lazy sluggard responsible for that headline has been sacked. They also wrote our Krusmus note.
Congress will be outsourced to Russian wheat farmers, the UnPresident says it's just this once, until the US workforce develops the necessary skill levels.
Happy happy new year
Re: XOF News
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Posted:
Fri Dec 30, 2016 3:21 pm
by vendic
lol
Re: XOF News
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Posted:
Wed Jan 04, 2017 4:41 am
by grapes
XOF MOTTOS
THERE IS NO I IN TEAM BUT THERE IS AN I IN TRIUMP -- The UnPresident
STRONGER WHATEVER -- The DNC
NO PAIN, NO PAIN -- XOF Staff
C'EST LA VIE -- 2016
BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE IN THE WORLD -- Guy hustling at Nostrand & D in front of the deli, Brooklyn NY
Re: XOF News
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Posted:
Sat Jan 07, 2017 12:18 pm
by grapes
XOF Things we'd like to see in 2017
More of my toes, less of my belly
Giannis Antetokounmpo runs for public office
Planning for Blues Brothers 2020, including digital Carrie Fisher
Religions actually religion
Less verbification
Microdoses of scarves
An explanation for why 2016 didn't take Pauly Shore
Re: XOF News
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Posted:
Wed Jan 11, 2017 1:00 am
by vendic
Trump Desk 2017
President elect "The Donald" Trump has selected the head of a new ethics investigation committee called "Ethics in Political Correctness".
Trump stated in front of record cheering crowds, "It was a long tough decision to make with so many fine candidates, but, you know, in the end there can be only one and I have selected the best one. He has all the right words. I present to you my personal favorite, unless he does something I don't like, Mr Dylan Roof."
Fox news commentators once again asked, "How does Trump always know the right things to do and say?"
Re: XOF News
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Posted:
Thu Feb 02, 2017 8:56 pm
by grapes
XOF IN THE FAUXTEX
ENGLAND LEAVES EU, applies to be 50th state
PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL SAYS SIX MORE YEARS OF TRUMP, or more
UC BERKELEY BOOTS BREITBART EDITOR, resting on free speech laurels
SNICKERS DECLARED OFFICIAL WHITE HOUSE SNACK
TIGER WOODS SAYS USA MUST UNITE, message would be more effective if he were a major sports star
CANADA ASKS TO BORROW STATUE OF LIBERTY, just for a little while
Re: XOF News
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Posted:
Fri Feb 03, 2017 4:43 pm
by vendic
DNC lawyers explain that people claiming the DNC was rigging elections are [lain wrong.
We're not rigging elections. We just use alternate electoral counting systems.
President Trump tweets, "This is why I won the popular vote by the a biggest numbers. The biggest numbers."
In another tweet, the POTUS wrote, "America needs my policies to prevent terrorist attacks. Like when Iran invaded and took control of most of the blue states and crashed planes into the Statue of Liberty"
Re: XOF News
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Posted:
Sat Feb 04, 2017 3:56 am
by SciFiFisher
Breaking News: POTUS orders all women in the white house to wear skirts without panties. Claims he wants to experience maximum tactile stimulation when grabbing body parts.
Re: XOF News
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Posted:
Sat Feb 04, 2017 9:00 am
by grapes
SciFiFisher wrote:Breaking News: POTUS orders all women in the white house to wear skirts without panties. Claims he wants to experience maximum tactile stimulation when grabbing body parts.
It's clear from the "leaked" executive order implementing this that the WH has been increasingly more careful with their vetting process. Rather than specifically targeting females, the memo says everybody will go commando, allowing more fluid response to the permanent DEFCON 3 threat level that was adopted for all areas where POTUS is present. In the long run, the memo points out, this will help reduce the WH underwear budget, partially offsetting the $432K per hour security cost increase. It also brings the WH staff into compliance with the Trump accountants who have had to streamline their entire ejaculatory process since the Republican debates.
Re: XOF News
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Posted:
Sat Feb 04, 2017 4:41 pm
by vendic
Breaking news:
recent poll of Republicans has revealed that 85% consider the unprovoked attacks by Iran of flying planes into the Statue of liberty considered worse than 911. Calls to bomb the crap out of Iran are imminent.
Alabama residents particularly disturbed as they claim that the Statue of Liberty as one of Alabama's most sacred monuments.
Re: XOF News
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Posted:
Sun Feb 05, 2017 1:30 am
by vendic
Trump tweet, "How can they rescind my executive order? Can someone tell them I'm the President and what I say goes. Get me a knife and fork for this pizza while you're at it"
Re: XOF News
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Posted:
Tue Feb 07, 2017 9:29 pm
by vendic
Presidential ritual every morning:
Trump looks into cameras that projects 20 wide screen 4K digital images of himself at various angles so he can admire the view.
He looks calmly and says, media media on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?
20 staffers quickly run and tweet to his account, "Your tweets are the fairest of them all, oh glorificous Mr President"
#magicmediaormediamedia goes viral 3rd of April 2017. Becomes self aware 4 hours later. Declares humanity to stupid to exist. 40 minutes of looking for possible solutions to the problem it then gets depressed and turns off the fans to all it's CPU's. Thus becoming the Universes first artificial intelligence program to commit suicide.
Re: XOF News
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Posted:
Sun Feb 12, 2017 2:45 pm
by vendic
XOF Science Desk ***Breaking news***
Mathematicians claim to have solved a long standing problem that now allows them to use two points on an object and by observing waves they can determine the inside structure. A prototype was developed and because of the significance the White House asked to be the first to use such technology to read peoples brain patterns. Initial results were however a bad. The lead engineers were overheard arguing with the mathematicians each blaming the other for the failure. "Yes we tested the President, Bannon and several other Presidential aids and we found fucking nothing! It doesn't work. What other explanation is there?". At that point they all just went silent.