XOF News

[Sigma_Orionis]

XOF Book Swatch



There's Something About Hillary
by Bernie Sanders
In his "novelized" autobiography, Bernie cements his claim as America's octogenarian, and relates his favorite anecdotes from the 2014 presidential campaign, his teen years in the fifties, his 8 years as mayor of Burlington, and of course 16 years in the animal house of Burlington College. It ends with his appointment to the unexpired term of President Mike Pence, who resigned one month after assuming the presidency from a bored Donald Trump. His friendship with Teddy Roosevelt is highlighted, including their wrestling matches in hunting camp over who would get to lead the charge up San Juan Hill. Rollicking good Vermonter yarn!

[grapes]

He says he has four minute abs, too

[grapes]

XOF Climate Change





North Carolina legislature has passed a bill to make North Carolina the first state to officially go on MST (Moonlight Saving Time, *not* Moonlight Savings Time nor Mountain Standard TIme). All the calendars will "fall back" two months at the end of August, which will allow two more months of Summer, and will shift the dangerous hurricane season into the summer months so that they will not be as disruptive as they usually are in the Fall. At the end of "September", the months will resume with December. "People have adjusted to Daylight Saving TIme, I'm sure they can handle this!" said a random county administrator, "maybe people will forget the "bathroom bill." The only possible downside is that NC will lose Halloween and Thanksgiving, but no one uses those much anymore--and there will be one extra Independence Day. I think. If I understand this correctly.

[Sigma_Orionis]

Didn't know that North Carolina had a Chavista Party, much less that it was on Power

[grapes]

O, 'tis.

But, it always has been.

[grapes]

XOF Extras





The US DOE has issued recommendations for small, mostly cosmetic, changes to Common Core:

1) Preschool: All instances of "TLC" will be changed to "THC"
2) MS S&M (Science and Math): All instances of "math" will be changed to "meth"
3) HS S&M: All instances of "drag" will be changed to "drug"
4) HS E&L (English and Literature): All instances of "S&M" will remain "S&M"
5) HS A&D (Art and Drama): All instances of "paint" will be changed to "pain"
6) HS S&H (Sociology and History): All instances of "ear" will be changed to "war"

The intent is to make the material more easily understood and assassible.

[Thumper]

Yikes.

[grapes]

Yikes.

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[grapes]

XOF Consumer Safety




XOF has always been a leader in faux news, and we take our public obligation seriously. We have watched, over the years, as faux news has been exaggerated and weaponized into a lethal mix of balderdash by practitioners without conscience. Further, such faux news can be dangerous in the hands of children, or the untrained. We feel that there is only one solution. XOF is calling for all faux news to display a blaze orange square on their tip. Simple, right? We shall be implementing this on all news bulletins from now on. There is no blaze orange square on the tip of this post, because this post is real.

[grapes]

XOF SADD REPORT



Littleton Waller, former president of the NRA has just released a statement:

Listening to the voices of the students from Florida has instilled in me a new pride of our American youth. Their courage and articulate arguments have convinced me that the future of America is secure in their hands. I am therefore encouraging the Congress of the United States to immediately introduce legislation regarding the age at which rifles may be purchased, lowering it to 16. Thank you, my fellow citizens.

[grapes]

XOF YAUX MOMMA



REPORTS OF DEATH OF FAUX NEWS ARE GREATLY EXAGGERATED, Mark Twain says

IOOC SPINS ELIZABETH SWANEY HALFHEARTED HALFPIPE, creates "Olympics are for everyone" campaign

TEACHER IN WEST JOLIET STARTS SHOOTING, Trump says we must arm students

RESEARCHERS ANNOUNCE CREATION OF FIRST QUBYTE, well, have to start somewhere

GUNOWNERS RESPOND TO AMMO SHORTAGE AT WALMART, start beating each other with AR-15s

[Thumper]

Sadly, most of those could be legitimate headlines...

[grapes]

XOF SCHEWL NEWS



HI SCHOOLS SHOULD OFFER REEL WORLD EXPERIENCE, whens the last time you used trig

STUDY SUPPORTS LATE HS START TIME, adolescents don't process info well before 10AM, or after 10:02

LOCAL SCHOOL BOARD REMOVES MENTAL DETECTORS, was making admin uncomfortable

LAST SPELLING TEACHER RETIRES, no longer necessary with today's technology

[Loresinger]

[grapes]

XOF CORRECTION



Our last report erroneously reported a study result with a time as after 2 minutes after 10 (10:02) when the actual result is after 2 minutes before 10 (9:58). XOF deeply regrets the confusion.

[grapes]

XOF Analysis





Top Republicans, when confronted with evidence of the President's extramarital affairs and asked about the way they had treated Clinton, sheepishly admitted that Clinton's womanizing was the one thing that they had admired about him. "It was just a political move, when we impeached him for lying under oath. I had to grin a little when I realized that he must've actually felt guilty about it. Trump *owns* his."

Most of them, off record, will attest that that is a large component of their political base. "We just have to manage it smartly! A large number of female voters are on board with it. We need a 'Kennedy-type' for the next election cycle, someone not quite as old and creepy. We were lucky Trump was a billionaire."

[Thumper]

Ouch.

[SciFiFisher]

XOF Analysis





Top Republicans, when confronted with evidence of the President's extramarital affairs and asked about the way they had treated Clinton, sheepishly admitted that Clinton's womanizing was the one thing that they had admired about him. "It was just a political move, when we impeached him for lying under oath. I had to grin a little when I realized that he must've actually felt guilty about it. Trump *owns* his."

Most of them, off record, will attest that that is a large component of their political base. "We just have to manage it smartly! A large number of female voters are on board with it. We need a 'Kennedy-type' for the next election cycle, someone not quite as old and creepy. We were lucky Trump was a billionaire."

This is in the wrong thread. The reality thread is across the way in Poli-ticks.

[Thumper]

Ouch ouch.

[grapes]

XOF P Interest





Our offices were contacted by the secretary of the RMEQ (Real Men Eat Anything They Want To), about their CTTBTT (Campaign To Take Back The Toilet). They've been engaged in guerrilla tactics for the last six months, but they've realized that a little publicity will go a long way towards their goal, which is to have all feminist groups change their toilet seat slogan from Put It Down Damn Little Asswipe (PIDDLA), to Put the Thing Up Idiot (PTUI). For months they have surreptitiously and carefully maintained clean toilet seats, putting them down after each use, but dribbling clean water over them. XOF decided to *not* support their goal of publicity, and we will *not* be discussing their work. We threw away all interview notes.

[grapes]

XOF Analysis





Top Republicans, when confronted with evidence of the President's extramarital affairs and asked about the way they had treated Clinton, sheepishly admitted that Clinton's womanizing was the one thing that they had admired about him. "It was just a political move, when we impeached him for lying under oath. I had to grin a little when I realized that he must've actually felt guilty about it. Trump *owns* his."

Most of them, off record, will attest that that is a large component of their political base. "We just have to manage it smartly! A large number of female voters are on board with it. We need a 'Kennedy-type' for the next election cycle, someone not quite as old and creepy. We were lucky Trump was a billionaire."

Which sounds better, Justice Bart Kavanaugh or President Bart Kavanaugh? (assuming he loses the SCOTUS bid, and Trump quits in 2020, to focus on his golf game)

[Thumper]

Thanks for that.
No really.....

[grapes]

XOF Briefs



Washington, DC. Congress has just passed a modification to the Judicial Act, to include a formal definition of "good behavior," defined ("only for these several purposes, and not to be extended to any others") to be an age less than 80. Immediately upon its passage, the terms of Supreme Court Justices Ginsburg (85) and Breyer (80) were ended. President Trump applauded the change, saying that he has always thought that term limits was a good idea for all branches of government, especially since the executive branch has them. Trump announced that he has decided on two new appointments to fill the vacanies. It could bring the ideological makeup of the court to 7-2, in favor of the right.

[grapes]

XOF Locol Issues



North Carolina voters are considering six amendments to their state constituion. Many "progressive" thought leaders are advocating voting against all six, but XOF has decided to buck the mainstream, and take a more long range view. There is a distinct possibility of a blue wave taking back control of the state legislature, and in that case, the amendments might be valuable tools. Here are our recommendations, followed by our short explanation:

Constitutional Amendment
[X] FOR [ ] AGAINST

Constitutional amendment protecting the right of the people to hunt, fish, and harvest wildlife.

The text of the amendment specifies "traditional methods," leaving it to the legislature to define. The blue wave defines it as "sticks and stones."

Constitutional Amendment
[X] FOR [ ] AGAINST

Constitutional amendment to strengthen protections for victims of crime, to establish certain, absolute basic rights for victims, and to ensure the enforcement of these rights.”

The blue wave points out that victims of crime "as prescribed by law" has been removed, and extends victim rights to undocumented immigrants. Victims rights are extended also to lesser crimes, such as trigger words or non-inclusion.

Constitutional Amendment
[X] FOR [ ] AGAINST

Constitutional amendment to reduce the income tax rate in North Carolina to a maximum allowable rate of seven percent (7%).

Well, it's just a state income tax, that is now less than 5%. Let's be reasonable here.

Constitutional Amendment
[X] FOR [ ] AGAINST

Constitutional amendment to require voters to provide photo identification before voting in person.

Under the text of the amendment, the blue wave will define the appropriate photo identification. First, among others, is a Democratic Party Membership Card.

Constitutional Amendment
[X] FOR [ ] AGAINST

Constitutional amendment to change the process for filling judicial vacancies that occur between judicial elections from a process in which the Governor has sole appointment power to a process in which the people of the State nominate individuals to fill vacancies by way of a commission comprised of appointees made by the judicial, executive, and legislative branches charged with making recommendations to the legislature as to which nominees are deemed qualified; then the legislature will recommend at least two nominees to the Governor via legislative action not subject to gubernatorial veto; and the Governor will appoint judges from among these nominees.

O this is going to be fun!!

Constitutional Amendment
[ ] FOR [X] AGAINST

Constitutional amendment to establish an eight-member Bipartisan Board of Ethics and Elections Enforcement in the Constitution to administer ethics and elections law.

Ethics? In politics? Get real.

[grapes]

Constitutional Amendment
[X] FOR [ ] AGAINST

Constitutional amendment to change the process for filling judicial vacancies that occur between judicial elections from a process in which the Governor has sole appointment power to a process in which the people of the State nominate individuals to fill vacancies by way of a commission comprised of appointees made by the judicial, executive, and legislative branches charged with making recommendations to the legislature as to which nominees are deemed qualified; then the legislature will recommend at least two nominees to the Governor via legislative action not subject to gubernatorial veto; and the Governor will appoint judges from among these nominees.

O this is going to be fun!!

Well, I went 5 for 6, I missed this one. Rats.