XOF News

[Sigma_Orionis]

Pendejo Goldberg, is he related to Frito Pendejo? rofl

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XOF PAID ADVERTISEMENT


Pla-See-Gro is a new homeopathic formulation especially designed for the demands of the modern male libido. Just one little blue pill each morning and you will feel yourself grow better almost instantly. And it is perfectly safe to take another dose to relieve normal performance anxiety just before the performance! No more fear of hump day, you can take two on Wednesdays! Pla-See-Gro's ingredients have been scientifically proven to be as effective as sildenafil, tadalafil, or vardenafil for treating ED, and are not empty calories--they are guaranteed to add inches to certain body parts. Ask for it at your favorite pharmacist or candy store, no prescription required.

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XOF Insighter

The XOF News twitter account (@XOFNews) is now receiving directed tweet spam. What kind are we attracting? Weight loss, and a randomizer whose clients apparently include Publishers Clearinghouse, a "naughty" (their word not mine) dating service, and Walmart. The autoerotic noose is slowly closing around the world's metaphorical neck.

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XOF TOX

XOF News announces a video service XOF TOX (BS worth spreading), short presentations of trenchant ideas of social and political import. New XOF TOX will be released no oftener than every six seconds. See below

XOFTOX1.JPG

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XOF Ombudsman, Office of the Ombudsman:

XOF regrets an error in the bio section of the inaugural XOF TOX. Mr. Lee teaches *method acting*, not meth, of course. We have no f***ing idea what he does with the grits.

Also, the talks are less than six minutes, not 666 minutes. The devil did that.

AND, there is no such University of Ducksylvania. Maybe they mean Oregon, I dunno.

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XOF Legal News

A Tea Par-taay legal representative has filed briefs with the Justice Department to support Republican claims of voter suppression. They contain results from scientifically-valid statistical studies that confirm that state laws banning alcohol in the vicinity of polling places keep many right-wing voters from the polls. The un-named representative said "There is no doubt that these laws were passed with the full intent of maintaining a leftist red-loving electorate! We should not be inserting politics into the civil laws. Haven't we learned anything from the poll taxes and literacy tests? Even alcoholic bubbas on a bender should be allowed to vote, they're people too." The ACLU is seriously considering submitting a friend of the court brief in support of the effort. "What's next, drug testing at the polls? This is America!!"

Some states have already rescinded their no-alcohol-at-polls law, but have inserted additional words to prohibit political messages on beer bottles, just in case anyone reads political messages. I mean, just in case someone should carry a beer bottle into a polling place.

The legal rep also asked "And why are Republican states colored red? I thought Republicans hated reds. Is it another conspiracy to subvert the conservative color palette? Shouldn't the other party be the red states? And then we can be the white states. The third parties can be blue."

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XOF ISO

XOF now hiring. XOF news has two cub reporter internship positions open. No degree or experience necessary, just must have boundless enthusiasm and lust for life. Ability to write coherent succinct commentary on modern life not necessary, skill will be developed during internship. Must have own car, must not be allergic to pizza, and must be able to smoke crack while in a drunken stupor. Inquire XOF NEWS:Internment334, PO Yo Mama Box 111, NY, NY, 10014, with photo.

[Loresinger]

Fargginay announces a new line of Bacon Cologne and Perfume

Reviews say it makes you smell "meaty fresh" with one complaint - it seems stray dogs follow you everywhere.

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XOF Interviews...


XOF Interviews...a random high school student.

NAME? Geoffry Ballet, I'm a student at San Luis Obispo High School. SLO, the happiest place on earth.

SO, YOU"RE HAPPY? Shit no, that's what the chamber of commerce says. Kids at school make fun of me, because of my name. They think it should be spelled with an "rey".

THAT'S WHY YOU'RE UNHAPPY? Sure, that and always having to explain why I like math and science. I can't even read a textbook or talk about Ender's Game without being looked at weird.

YOU LIKE MATH?? YOU'RE NOT EVEN ORIENTAL! I know, right? The reason they're so good at it is because they don't have to spend so much time with people cracking on 'em about it. Jees, I'd get so much more done, if I didn't all a time have to be like, no I'll party tonight, or no I'll party on the weekend, or no I don't party during B block I have calculus that period.

OK, I'M BORED WITH THAT LINE OF QUESTIONING, HOW'S YOUR SEX LIFE? What?! That's an awful personal question! I don't think I want to talk about it with you.

SORRY, I SAW WHERE YOU DISCUSSED IT ON FACEBOOK, AND I THOUGHT OUR READERS WOULD BE INTERESTED. SO, YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THAT SKANK SHIRELLEY? Right, I surely don't. There's a proper place for that sort of stuff.

SECOND FLOOR CUSTODIAL CLOSET? Yes. I mean, no. That's over, man. Can we talk about something else?

DO YOU SURF? (Student got up and walked out the door.)

[Sigma_Orionis]

So, XOF interviewed that "GEN-Z SLACKER"* with Alice? and you didn't ask him if he wanted to be in the cast of High School Musical?












*Yes I put that SOLELY to make GJ or TSC respond, isn't the generational gap WONDERFUL?

Edited to Fix Link

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XOF HEAD LINES (*snort*)


CHRIS CHRISTIE A MAN OF THE PEOPLE, tweets "I smoke crack too"

CROWD FILMS "KNOCKOUT" VIDEO SEQUEL, stomps perp into a pancake

OXFORD DIC: "SELFIE" WORD OF YEAR, what? wasn't that 2010 or something?

CHENEY DAUGHTERS BICKERING, fighting over Wyoming

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JON BON JOVI MAY BUY BUFFALO BILLS, will re-name them the Jills

BORDER COLLIE KNOWS 1000 WORDS, scores 2300 on species-normalized SAT

SOME STORES GETTING JUMP ON BLACK FRIDAY, started at Halloween

FAMILY GUY FANS PETITION TO BRING BACK BRIAN, points out Santa's Little Helper has been on The Simpsons for 25 years (150 dog years)

MICK JAGGER WILL BE GREAT-GRANDFATHER, granddaughter Assisi plans to name her son after the new Pope 

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NEW YEAR TO BE GREETED WITH OLD PROBLEMS, humanity just about shot

MOST AMERICANS SAID THIS CONGRESS IS WORST IN THEIR LIFETIMES, SAYS CNN POLL, the rest of them said they'll just wait and see

BIOLOGISTS STUDYING HUMAN GENOME REVEAL MAJOR FAULT, human race not viable

AARP FEUDS WITH AMAC, fight to the death proposed, haha

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, you old farts

[Sigma_Orionis]

Good ones, all of them

[Sigma_Orionis]

The Year That Will Be

[Swift]

The Year That Will Be

[Thumper]

Aug. 12: Bill O’Reilly’s new book, “Killing Conversation,” becomes the first title delivered by Amazon’s fleet of drones. The recipient, Edith Johnston of West Palm Beach, Fla., is unharmed, but three Pakistani civilians at a wedding are injured in the delivery.

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XOF News In Depth

As part of the newsroom discussion of this item (Woman, worried son was assaulted, slices man's genitals http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nati ... s/4259889/ ), XOF surveyed forty-two respondents (23 female, 19 males) as to their reaction to the story.

45.2% cringed in sympathetic agony, 54.8% showed remarkable disdain.

When asked what they would do, if confronted with the choice ("she might allow him to leave alive if he allowed her to cut his penis"), 54.8% said "whatever". The remaining responses ranged from "I would have given up my mother" to "hey, it was only a fork, right? I've had worse."

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XOF News about XOF News


The entire staff of XOF News has been extremely busy, since our new overlords have assigned us to the Drone Division, with online news generation taking a back seat to robots. But we've conceptually leapfrogged the entire rest of Amazonia, and have just now shipped off the plans for a new robot to the Implementation Department. It's a game changer, and it's very hush-hush--but we can share a few details.

Code name IRS (just a bunch of random letters) will have the ability to make charges against your Amazon account even while you sleep. Even if you don't have any credit cards, or bank accounts. Even if your door is locked. Even if your house is alarmed. Sounds amazing, doesn't it? Well, it''s more than that, it's amazonazing.

No longer will you have to keep track of 16 digit credit card numbers, or carry those bulky credit cards around in your purse/wallet/pocket/shoes. Think of it as your personal banker, or personal guido. No more late fees, no more confusing bank statements, just friendly ol' IRS.

Anyway, we have to get back to work. Or else.

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XOF Ombudsman, Office of the Ombudsman:

There was couple small typos in the last press release.

Instead of "IRS" it should have read "IRA". Like Ira, the lovable character in Mad About You, played by John Pankow, not the tax-dodge savings plan. It has nothing to do with the government. Nothing at all. Nothing.

Instead of "guido" it should have read "guide dog", like those lovable personal servants that seem so calm and reassuring.

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XOF News - Court Watch


Yesterday, China's Li Na overpowered Dominika Cibulkova to win the Australian Open and her second major title. She is the oldest woman to have won it. Cibulkova came up short in...oops, wrong court.

The United States Supreme Court yesterday took arguments from the State of Alaska about Alaskan laws restricting marriage, and surprised most court observers by throwing out all of the state's laws governing civil unions. Justice Kennedy, writing for the nine justice majority, said "Civil marriage is an abomination, and a clear violation of the VIIIth Amendment to the US Constitution. We will no longer tolerate this sham of social engineering that has taken so much vitality from the American people for so long." Chief Justice Roberts offered to write a token dissenting opinion but his heart wasn't really into it, so Justice Sotomayor gave him a hug, and told him he should sleep on it. The ramifications of the decision will probably be debated for quite some time.

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@XOFNews: SUPREME COURT CUTS MARRIAGE GORDIAN KNIT, throws out all civil unions #sosimple http://t.co/paXwAD5JD2

Knot, that should be knot!

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TAYLOR SWIFT LOSES GRAMMY, Kanye doesn't come to the rescue

THOUSANDS PROTEST BITTER COLD IN NORTH, "can't we all just *share* the heat?"

DECADES OF NEW MILLENNIUM IN IDENTITY CRISIS, fifties and sixties laughing their heads off

DRONE STRIKE AGAINST TERRORISTS IN SOMALIA SUCCESSFUL, we're going to say it was, anyway

MANNING ANNOUNCES LAST GAME WITH BRONCOS, next year will win Super Bowl with the BIlls

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STUDY: BABY BOOMERS NOT LOSING MENTAL CAPACITY AS THEY AGE, they just have full memories

PETE SEEGER DIES

OBAMA TO GIVE STATE OF THE UNION AWARD, not going to be Texas

HOW GOOGLE WENT FROM DON'T-BE-EVIL TO GLASSHOLES, well, don't look at *us*, we're on team amazon

U.S. BOBSLED TEAM WITH CONTROVERSIAL LOLO JONES, expected to finish fourth

[Sigma_Orionis]