XOF News

[Sigma_Orionis]

[Hands over 500 million Quatloos to the XOF News Staff]

There boy, now be a good [strike]gossip reporter[/strike] News hound, dig some more dirt on those two and post it on Reddit

[grapes]

OK, we accept, but we are not enthralled with this assignment. Sometimes, journalism means getting your hands icky. Unfortunately, all 234 other previous items have been completely erased. Does anyone remember the details of the one about the alien seraglio?

[Sigma_Orionis]

You can start by reviewing this historical document

[grapes]

OK, I meant the one involving KW/KK, but we can make that work, with the right special effects.

Hey, does anyone have any receipts from Vogue? (It's a fashion magazine, popular in the early nineties)

[Sigma_Orionis]

Vogue? That's wholly owned subsidiary of the Village Voice right?

Dude, this is the 21st Century, do what everyone does. OUTSOURCE!.


All you have to do is shamelessly copy stuff from here and if you need investigative journalism copy it from here

Mike is watching us from the Big Telescope in the Sky and chuckling, go make him proud cub reporter

[Swift]

Deceit from Vogue? Oh sure, there is a lot of deceit from Vogue, just look at the ads.

What do you mean you didn't say "deceit"?

[grapes]

If you've saved all your deceits, put them in a shoe box and send them to XOF NEWS, PO Yo Mama Box 111, NY, NY, 10014. We'll pull the best one, and feature it in our next NEWS OF THE WILD.

All you have to do is shamelessly copy stuff from here and if you need investigative journalism copy it from here

*shudder*

[Sigma_Orionis]

My job here is done

[cid]

XOF SLAPPed

XOF News has been forced to remove over 200 previous-post references to Kanye West and Kim Kardashian in response to their SLAPP (Strategic Lawsuit Against Public Participation). We've also removed a public apology that we made last week[strike], as well as a recent reference to their lawsuit against Chad Hurley, co-founder of YouTube, for posting a video online of their proposal. They never expected *him* to do *that*[/strike]. XOF regrets the long-time fascination that we've had with the[strike] world's most talked about couple[/strike][strike] trainwreck[/strike]m, and we promise to never do report on them again, unless we're paid for our efforts.

(Bold/underline by cid, for emphasis)

Whatever they decide to pay you to print about them, come see me -- I'll DOUBLE the amount NOT to print...

[Sigma_Orionis]

So! yer offering 1000 Million Quatloos?

[cid]

Or the equivalent in SchruteBucks or Stanley Nickels, your choice...

[grapes]

OK! I'll take it! A brazilian shrutebucks is exactly enough to buy XOF back from Jeff Bezos, leaving us penurious as usual but *free* to follow the trending [strike]mammo[/strike]topography, wherever it may lead us. I accept your offer to never report on them again, although it'll be a tough jones to throw off, seeing as how we produced 234 Kimye items in our short tenure.

[cid]

One Brazilian's Schrutebucks = just how many Venezuelan's Cap'n Crunch boxtops?
I just may have to break out the ol' color copier here...

[grapes]

Don't worry about copying them, just fux Amazon. Bezos is expecting it.

[grapes]

FAX Amazon

[grapes]

XOF COF COF
sponsored post

E-cigarette aficionados, aka vapers, claim that their affectation is not dangerous. The small cartridges used in e-cigs may look like pills, but only the weakest minds would accidentally take it for medication. Also, the re-fill drops have been taken for eyedrops, but only in the rarest of circumstances. The gallon-size refills of liquid nicotine are *not* a health hazard, unless you spill it on your skin (which *might* produce nausea, vomiting, and palpitations) or if it is ingested by children mistaking it for root beer. Some people claim that the e-cigs are gateway products for other traditional nicotine products, but the claims are disputed by all the reputable industry leaders. The intellectual stimulant properties are in fact indisputable, say their representatives.

Now that the XOF corporation is out from under the moral strictures of our former overlord Amazon, and we are so convinced by the press releases, we are teaming up with a major supplier to provide a nicotine/caffeine/alcohol/ginseng hybrid libation known as Brane-E. Watch for it in your local pathology reports, and wherever else the beautiful people congregate.

[Swift]

XOF Medical News

Cleveland, Ohio - Researchers at the Cleveland Clinic have found that users of so called "e-Cigarettes" have a 73% increased occurance of electron addiction than those in a control group. Their report, published in the April issue of the Journal of Virtual Addictive Research, was based on a six month study from December 2012 till May 2013.

Electron addicition has only recently been recognized, and no treatment protocol has been developed for it yet. In the worst cases, addicts were found to be sucking on electrical outlets and licking batteries. The Ohio Attorney General's Office is considering introducing legislature to prohibt children under 18 years of age from purchasing batteries and extension cords.

[cid]

Don't worry about copying them, just fux Amazon. Bezos is expecting it.

FAX Amazon

Freudian slip, eh? Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure...

[grapes]

XOF NEWS


RUSSIA SAYS IT ISN'T PLANNING TO INVADE UKRAINE, "these things just happen"

SAN FRANCISCO'S NEW FACES: Raymond "Shrimp Boy" Chow in innovative partnership with State Senator Leland Yee

REVIEW: FACEBOOK PURCHASE OF OCULUS, critics say it lacks vision

FLORIDA TOWN OVERRUN WITH VERMIN, Hampton (pop. 477) has 19 police officers

[grapes]

XOF New Jer Coalition

In the wake of Supreme Court decisions that corporations are people too, XOF has decided to run for political office--the governorship of the great Garden State of New Jersey. Our political analysts have shown us that position to be particularly vulnerable, and NJ is famously "corporation friendly". If the current governor isn't impeached or overcoated, he'll probably run for president in 2016. We are preparing advance campaign materials.

We don't have a platform yet (except for our firm opposition to changing the name to New Jersie), but we've processed 12,000 hours of b-roll footage and we will make it available to super-pacs next week on the website. Standard stuff, like:
1) 23 same-gender marriages that we've participated in
2) our ecstatic reactions when we open packages sent to us from CO and WA
3) green-screen shots where we pretend to box with Chris Christie
4) us hanging on the boardwalk with Snookie
5) music recording session with Bruce Springsteen, but rapping instead (giddit?)

[grapes]

XOF YOURLAW


A sophomore English class at a high school in Estes Park CO has voted to unionize. Inspired by the success of Northwestern's football team, and maybe some toklas cookies, the students decided to press their case for organizing their class. "Hey, we work hard and have to follow rules and shit, and we get paid in grades which are kinda like bitcoins, you know? They can be turned in for scholarships, and cars for graduation." The Colorado Labor Board has certified the vote, and the class can move forward in negotiations with administration.

"We want more realistic expectations from our employers. An hour and a half for a semester assessment? C'mon, we should be able to take it home overnight at the very least." Another demand is for long term health benefits to cover the effects of exposure to chemicals like benzoyl peroxide and salicylic acid. "I mean, they throw us into this highly-stressed social environment and expect us to deal with the trauma for the rest of our lives, without admitting their responsibility for creating the situation in the first place. Without students, no one would pay teachers to teach, right? We just want our fair share of that pie."

[grapes]

XOF YERLAW upfollow


Some promising news on the international front for "amateur" sports teams. Joining the pay-for-performance debate (previously covered by XOF) are the North Korean Olympic teams. In particular, the DPRK has successfully negotiated and settled a short-standing lawsuit by its basketball team. Details of the agreement were in a long and complicated document released yesterday, but the main sticking point in previous talks has been resolved: the punishment for missed free throws in basketball games will no longer be immolation. Both sides are said to be pleased with the final result. Head basketball coach Thad McConnell said he was relieved that other teams would no longer be able to legitimately (under IOOC rules) complain that his team stunk.

[grapes]

XOF HEADLINES


TWO THIRDS OF AMERICANS SUSPICIOUS OF COMMON CORE, other two thirds not sure

AGING BOOMERS READY FOR RETIREMENT, exit plan is a case of beer, on ice

US DENIES OBESITY EPIDEMIC, just a consolidation of resources

OPEN SOURCE SECURITY SYSTEM HAS MAJOR FLAW, /8*27%$)!U630*~8+#?(...

[grapes]

XOF FRIDAY FINISHERS
The heart-warming, the amusing, the improbable


GUY'S NEIGHBOR SHOWS HIM HOW TO RECEIVE TV BY ANTENNA, amazed by modern miracle of technology

WOMAN FINDS BEEF IN A WENDY'S BURGER, Clara Peller spinning wildly

GM ANIMAL: YAARDVARK, has only three feet

QUIET YOUNG MAN WALKS THROUGH CROWDED AIRLINE TERMINAL, stabs no one, shoots no one

[FZR1KG]

Wendy's burgers make me sick.
Literally.
I can digest a lot of strange things and not get sick nut Wendy's make's my gut turn.
I wonder if they can get the poop out of a cow, flavour it, add some intestines and still call it beef.
Strike that.
What I wonder is why that's not illegal. Who has Wendy's paid off?