XOF News

[grapes]

Years ago, the staff at XOF were disillusioned with Wendy's when we saw they were advertising an Op En Latte, and they had no damn lattes at all! Plus, they had misspelled latte, with only one T.

[grapes]

XOF In Our Schools


A Midlothian VA middle school home ec teacher was arrested on Tuesday and held for $120,000 bond. School authorities said she was attempting to use a rice cooker on the first anniversary of the Boston Marathon massacre. "The symbolism is just too raw. We were afraid she would traumatize her students by evoking memories of last year's bombs and suffering." She was quickly removed from the classroom as soon as a vice principal noticed that she was reaching for the rice cooker. "She had a thousand things that she could have implemented in her curriculum, but she chose rice. That could not be a coincidence," said the vice principal. Detectives are tracing her travels over the past five years, and have confiscated her computers. They have found some social media comments by other educators that were critical of administration. "Who knows what could have happened in that classroom had I not been walking by at that time. I think someone was watching out for us," said the vice principal.

[grapes]

XOF Headlices

LA CLIPPERS OWNER DONALD STERLING BUYS OFF EVERYBODY, American public: "We're good now."

APPLE ACCUSES SAMSUNG OF USING WORD CORRECTION, "our documentation proves they've used it illegally since second grade"

STRANGERS HELP NEARLY BLIND BOY, authorities have no motive

[grapes]

XOF In Deep


Monmouth University in New Jersey has become the first school to adopt virtual commencement speakers. The move was seen as a reaction to protests at nearby Rutgers over the announcement of Condoleeza Rice as commencement speaker. Provost Djinn Goisem explained, "Commencement should be a time of celebration for the graduates and their signicant others, it should not be a distraction for the school community at this special time." Monmouth has carefully vetted 3740 commencement speech videos, and has so far found twelve that satisfy all of their criteria. They've negotiated agreements with nine of the speakers, and are working to confirm and validate many others. Rutgers has signed up for what Monmouth says they will offer as a subscription service. "This might even pay for itself," said Goisem.

[grapes]

XOF Unclassified Ads

Wanted, one more world baby, must have high Q score, contact Angelina (or Brad, if she's busy).

For sale, former trillion dollar company, world leader in PC operating systems, now available for a song. Pick up in Washington State, or can be shipped to any of the contiguous USAn states. Mostly hollow, lightweight, so shipping charges are negligible.

Own your own piece of the Supreme Court! For $59 you will receive a certificate suitable for framing with a picture of YOUR justice, and their verified signature attesting to your heart's desire. Limited quantities.

XOF Unclassified t-shirts! Now reduced to $18. Your choice of sizes, and one of three colors: red, mocha, and willow. Solid crew-neck T, with enlarged rubber stamp of BOTTOM SECRET disgonally across the lower back, UNCLASSIFIED across the tits.

[Sigma_Orionis]

XOF has an agony column

[grapes]

It does? Just in time. I was going to ask, my sex life is in the toilet, what should I do?

[Sigma_Orionis]

Buy a Bigger Toilet? because the alternative might be a bit......... controversial

[FZR1KG]

XOF (All's fair in love and war desk)

Nevada ranchers respond to claims they are chicken herders instead of cattlemen, they are all for feminism they say, and fully stand behind their women...except on all matters of the womb, and breasts. These were created to the use of men.

[grapes]

XOF Culture Watch


Over the decades, sexual innuendo has been slyly inserted into movies, even movies for children. Sometimes, it's just the viewer's imagination (like the knee that looks like it might be an erection in the wedding scene in The Little Mermaid) but other times it is overt (like the dust in the Lion King forming letters that briefly say SEX) and sometimes disgruntled former employees admit to sabotage (like the penis that appears on the cover of The Little Mermaid).

XOF has discovered a sexual reference that has eluded detection for almost forty years, ever since the very start of the Star Wars saga. The names of the two droids R2D2 and C3PO are just sequences of four letters/numbers. Everyone has noticed that Obi-Wan Kenobi starts off similarly, in that it could be OB1 Kenobi, but it veers away from the pattern and the last part is a three-syllable name. Or is it? Slurring the letters as is done in the pronunciation of R2D2 and C3PO, and spelling out K-N-O-B, sounds a *lot* like Kenobi, right?! Yep, the Jedi Knight's name is just another penis joke.

[Sigma_Orionis]

After your last post a weird screeching sound was reported as coming from beneath the Pirates of Caribbean ride in Disneyland.

Disneyland authorities were rather tight lipped about it, all they said was that it was a bedtime story that turned sour..........

[grapes]

Screeching? I dunno.

The hidden dizzying disney underground, the wild char-actor parties, the seething clenching puritanical mores unleashed and unbridled in wild toon passion...the animated anima, what could be more archetypal americana?

[Sigma_Orionis]

Dear Sigma (XOF Romantic Advice Column)

Due to the smashing success enjoyed by the XOF Agony Column, the editorial board has launched a Romantic Advice Column (like Dear Abby on MDMA).

However, the only available staff member we have is an AI that resides somewhere in an old condemned fallout shelter on Area 51 and its experience with the dealing with opposite sex is limited. Therefore, the column will give advice on how deal with your boss on IT implementation issues.

Dear Sigma.

My boss wants to implement Oracle DataGuard on a SAP system running over Windows 2008R2 between two sites conected over Metro-Ethernet. I prefer to migrate the bloody things to Tru64, how can I convince my boss to do it? Desperate Soul, Cheesequake, NJ

Dear Desperate Soul.

Tell your boss that it's necessary to see something of the utmost importance on the Data Center, lock the boss inside and let the FM200 loose, things will fix themselves just fine.

Dear Sigma:

The CEO of the company wants us to implement a CRM system and Microsoft has sold him on Dynamics 4.0, the Chief Financial Officer wants to implement Siebel 8.2 over IBM DB2 and wants us to install it on an old System 370 we use to play NetWars while doing backups. The Chief Marketing Officer wants to use Saleforce on the Cloud. How can we get the C-Level nuts to decide what they want? Anonymous Coward, Loco Hills, NM

Dear Anonymous Coward.

Have Helldesk (whomever is left after all they have been offshored) put them all in an empty room with a brick sitting on the middle, get out and lock the door and tell then through the speaker "The Last Man Standing gets his favorite CRM", make sure all the remanining souls at Helldesk are watching as the C-Level Execs discuss in an adult and reasonable matter who gets to die first.

Dear Sigma:

My boss has been sold on BYOD and wants EVERYONE to connect whatever tablet or smartphone they have to the corporate network and make IT personally responsible for anything that goes wrong, the boss also mumbled something about Heartbleed being the fault of the IT department despite the fact that all of our servers use SunOne. what do we do? Sperry-Rand Refugee, Greasy Corner, AR

Dear Sperry-Rand Refugee.

There's a fire sale of Weapons of Mass Destruction at Bunkerville. VX gas is your friend.

Dear Sigma:

Our company has just been bought by a bigger company and they outsourced their whole IT departement to Outer Mongolia, we are worried we might be laid off, What should be do? Bunch of Whiny Sheep, Big Butt, NC.

Dear Bunch of Whiny Sheep.

Eduardum occidere nolite timere bonum est.

[grapes]

Here's another submission that we received over the transom:

Dear Sigma,
I work in the marketing department of a successful software company in Salubrious Hills, CA. Everything is nearly perfect, but here's my problem, I find myself getting arosed when I'm around our IT department. What can I do? I'm afraid one of them will hurt themselves.
Signed, Concerned About Those People

[Sigma_Orionis]

Dear Concerned About Those People.

Every time those feelings threaten to overtake you, drink a glass of hemlock, it will do wonders for your condition.

[grapes]

XOF Wirld News


BEATS BY APPLE NOW KNOWN AS MTB's, were mtb's (money to burn)

BOKO HARAM DEVASTATED, criticized by Hilary Clinton tweet

CRAFT BEER DEFINITION GETS WATERED DOWN, drinkers may turn to arts beer

PACKERS TAKE CLINTON-DIX IN FIRST ROUND OF NFL DRAFT, on advice of Vanity Fair editors

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XOF Campus Capers


HARVARD BLACK MASS CANCELLED, Yale will hold grayish mass

DUKE COMMENCEMENT SPEAKER REPEATS STALE JOKE, or maybe his wife stole the line he attributes to her

ONE GRADUATE IN USA FORGETS TO THANK MOM ON SUNDAY, her entire university is appalled

Also in the news:

SPACE X OFFERING DISCOUNT LAUNCH VEHICLE TO USAF, only $59.99 million

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XOF WIRLD NEWS


BOKO HARAM PUBLIC PRESSURE BUILDS, they're probably totally humiliated

USA PASSES ANTI-RACISM LAW, all ethnicities will be referred to in their own language

CALIFORNIA CHROME WINS TWO LEGS, trainer will get third one broken if horse wins next race

WORLD CUP MATCH SCORES, no, we don't do that here

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XOF Going HAM On The News


GM RECYCLING RECALLS, having recalled every vehicle it's ever made, it'll start over at top of the list

DOJ POLICY: VIDEOTAPE INTERROGATIONS, but no video players left in entire world

PORTERVILLE CA MAYOR'S ADVICE TO BULLIED: GROW A PAIR, girls too

USAn VEGGIE AND FRUIT INTAKE AT NEARLY 50% RDA, but, mostly potatoes and tomatoes--fries, chips, catsup, salsa and pizza sauce

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XOF Getcher News Here


200 GIRLS KIDNAPPED BY BOKO HARAM SIX WEEKS AGO LOCATED, officials: now what??

GARDEN-VARIETY BULLYING LEGAL, what could be more american?

Oops, we would've had more headlines today, but we be beezin', kana help it

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XOF Tidbits



CALIFORNIA CHROME UPSET, owner screams racism then apologizes

COMPUTER "PASSES" TURING TEST, two XOF editors fail it

VETERANS SIGNING UP AGAIN IN LARGE NUMBERS, only way to get medical appointment

NEWS FLASH: LOTTERIES REGRESSIVE, ha the only people for whom this might be news are the poor ignorant sobs buying lottery tickets, thank you you're welcome fuck you very much

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XOF NEWS In the Deep End


Everyone was surprised when the Drudge Report broke the news last week that Hillary Clinton was using a walker in the photo on the cover of People Magazine, but only XOF has found out the details! It's an Edwin Walker, Silvermaster model, designed to fit in with your patio furniture. It was a gift from old family friends, Vince and Lisa Foster, back when Hillary was governor of Arkansas.

Come to XOF for the news you can't lose!

[Loresinger]

ya know grapes that idea about a T-Shirt might be something we could put into the FWIS store...

I'd wear it in a heartbeat.

[Ikyoto]

XOF Advice Staff to Everyone Who Whined for Help:

Suck it up, shut up and get the fuck away from us. It's break time till shift end. Go get us lunch or something.

[Loresinger]

or something how about a t shirt