XOF News

[Swift]

Currently important life skills

1. Typing with just your thumbs
2. List making
3. Coffee nomenclature ("Grande, Quad, Nonfat, One-Pump, No-Whip, Mocha")
4. Password creation and memorization
5. "Liking"
6. Googling
7. Pretending to multitask
8. Pretending to work

[grapes]

Currently important life skills

1. Typing with just your thumbs
2. List making
3. Coffee nomenclature ("Grande, Quad, Nonfat, One-Pump, No-Whip, Mocha")
4. Password creation and memorization
5. "Liking"
6. Googling
7. Pretending to multitask
8. Pretending to work

3a Music data management

Which is not to imply that it is a subset of Coffee Nomenclature, just that it seems to fit in there between the two.

XOF *Snort*



Two, again

When you get to be 1 year old, you're just starting to talk, to walk. Then, doubling that, you're two and unless you're Einstein, you're talking up a storm and getting into everything, and letting the world know that it's yours. Double that and at four, you've discovered reading, and memories are getting permanent. At eight, the world is a magical place, full of promise and friends. Sixteen, well, maybe...you might have grown into your body, maybe your mind, and some societies consider you an adult. Boom, 32, and what's happening? You got kids, responsibilities, aging, losing what you might've had. Then comes 64, and it may be over for some of you, some of you have another half coming, at greatly reduced capacity.

Wait? I might have 32 years left? I could re-do the last 32? Or even restart the first 32? Damn. Let's see, in that first 32 I found my life partner, so I don't need to do that again. She went to back to school, to med school, and we bought a practice, built our own building. We had three kids, all going after advanced degrees. I learned enough math to fill dozens of textbooks, I can still do that, but it's not as attractive anymore. I'm an artist, but I don't get inspired as much as I could. Still write poetry, sometimes. I did the Tim McGraw rodeo, skydive, rock climb trilogy before I was 32, never mind dying (although that thought came later). Was a teacher, builder, taxi driver, programmer, hitchhiker. Got a TS SCI clearance and wandered around in the NSA. Went to school in geology, and solved an outstanding geophysics problem. What didn't I do? I tried to learn Latin, Russian, French, Spanish, Polish, but I'm still stuck on English. I could do one of those...naw, I'm going to go dancing.

[grapes]

XOF (latin motto: de rigueur mortis et tendon)


As you can see, we've adopted a new motto. According to our staff expert on all things Latin, it means "assholes and elbows," so let's get back to it, shall we?

OBAMA WORKS BUCKET LIST AT STONEHENGE, 1600 tourists rerouted, unable to change trip plans

NFL ADDS MMA TO COMBINE, called "essential skills"

OBAMA TO GET GOOGLE GLASSES, will fix his "optics"

SCOTLAND ABANDONS REFERENDUM, says they can't abandon the new baby

XOF ENTRANCE POLL: Who would you vote for if you knew *nothing* about them, ANDREW CUOMO or ZEPHYR TEACHOUT?

[grapes]

XOF Truth Means Journalism


WHITE HOUSE AGAINST DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, "even if I had sons instead of daughters"

GROUP FORMERLY KNOWN AS "IS" (and ISIL, and ISIS, and AQI) CHANGES NAME TO "AMAZON", working to improve brand recognition with academics and women

VEGANS FINALLY COMPROMISE, ACCEPT BACON AS A VEGETABLE, removes biggest stumbling block to mainstream acceptance

PANERA GUN POLICY: DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL, "We won't put up a sign, but if you're packing, just don't show it, OK?"

[FZR1KG]

lol

[grapes]

XOF The Nation


XOF is thrashing about, looking for a business model that will take us through December, and we think we've found it. We're creating our own micronation, on a quarter-acre parcel of land in Anaheim. It will be called Escoffier, and the official language will be French. I'll be prime minister, but we're still looking for a president, and a king/queen. There's a small list of other functionaries (e.g., court jester, gameskeeper, scullery servers, taster), if anyone is interested, or knows someone who might be. The first bimonthly-versary celebration is ... next week. You all are invited, of course. If the torturer position is filled by then, we'll have some first-rate entertainment.

Remember our motto: "What does the XOF say?"

[FZR1KG]

I want court jester. Or the torturer. Both can be fun.

[Sigma_Orionis]

I want to be either Minister of Executions, God-Emperor or éminence grise.

[geonuc]

I'd like the valet concession please.

[Sigma_Orionis]

I thought you preferred beer and pizza

[code monkey]

I'd like the valet concession please.

and i'd like the popcorn concession.

[geonuc]

I thought you preferred beer and pizza

I do and I will be inside enjoying beer & pizza while my minions run cars and line my pockets.

[grapes]

I thought you preferred beer and pizza

Kuro burgers with yarrow beer on the lanai, j'accuse

[Sigma_Orionis]

Kuro burgers with yarrow beer on the lanai, j'accuse

Émile 'grapes' Zola hath spoken

[Sigma_Orionis]

I do and I will be inside enjoying beer & pizza while my minions run cars and line my pockets.

Alert! Alert! Alert! Nuclear Legal Geological Pinko Commie Limousine Liberal Detected!

[geonuc]

I do and I will be inside enjoying beer & pizza while my minions run cars and line my pockets.

Alert! Alert! Alert! Nuclear Legal Geological Pinko Commie Limousine Liberal Detected!

Am not!

[Sigma_Orionis]

You're so!

[grapes]

XOF Gang Aft Agley


TEXAS VOTES FOR SECESSION, forty-nine other states vote to accept it

8-YEAR OLD FINDS SOLUTION TO 400 YEAR OLD MATH PROBLEM, it was in Newton's sock drawer

NFL DEVELOPS FARM SYSTEM SIMILAR TO BASEBALL, inks deal with US penitentiaries

COLORADO ADS: YOUR MOM AND DAD CAN SMOKE POT, BUT IT MAKES THEM STUPID, you knew that

[Popcorn]

I'd like the valet concession please.

and i'd like the popcorn concession.

I have a concession? Rufus said "concussion".

[grapes]

XOF The Modern World



SYRIA'S HARAKAT HAZM WINNING SOCIAL MEDIA WAR VS ISIS, "every time they post a video, we post five!"

STUDENT LOANS UPSIDE DOWN AND IN ARREARS, "we're in desperate need of more sex counselors"

COUNTRY MUSIC AHA MOMENT, Florida Georgia Line says every girl wants to be in a country song

STATES REVERSING POSITION ON COMMON CORE APPROVAL, "seemed like a good idea at the time, but we didn't know that it was going to make us look stupid"

[grapes]

XOF Incider


TOP GOP OFFICIALS URGING BIDEN TO RUN IN 2016

NRA PUZZLED BY PUBLIC REACTION TO ITS ADS

POLL: 86% OF DRIVERS ARE SPLASHING MUD ON PLATES

NEW BOOK: MEN ARE FROM RED STATES, WOMEN ARE FROM BLUE STATES

[grapes]

XOF NEWS Science Someday


RESEARCHERS ESTABLISH ROLE OF AMYGDALA IN ALTRUISM, over 200 US Representatives make appointments for amygdalatomies

SURPRISING RESULTS FROM TWO MARS MISSIONS, did not crash and burn, wasting hundreds of millions of dollars

SCIENTISTS FIND THEY CAN TURN OFF AGING PROCESS, first guinea pig will be Brad Pitt

DANGERS OF "GLOBAL STILLING", decrease in wind tied to increased number of windmill farms, shortened congress sessions

[grapes]

XOF Sports Shorts



FCC DROPS NFL BLACKOUT RULE, "they weren't using it anyway, and Congress wants to use it"

DEREK JETER NOT GREATEST EVER, did he invent relavitiy? well, did he?

NEW STUDY LINKS CROSS-COUNTRY RUNNING WITH INFERTILITY...

FTC FINES CAFFEINATED SHORTS MAKERS A MILLION BUCKS...

[Swift]

DEREK JETER NOT GREATEST EVER, did he invent relavitiy? well, did he?

Well, he was a relatively good shortstop.

[grapes]

Ladies and Germs! Swift! who now has time on his hands, and frustrations to release, make sure you in the first row pull the plastic tarp up to your chins