XOF News

[grapes]

XOF POT SHOTS


GENTRIFICATION OF EDUCATION

Studies in Colorado show that students at universities there are doing better than ever. They may be raising marijuana plants on the window sill to pay for tuition, each plant may bring $5000, but it's too expensive for them to smoke themselves. They're spending their free time rebeling against the mainstream culture by engaging in lit discussion groups and math peer tutoring. "I can't afford to pay nine bucks for a boutique microbrew. Besides, it's funny to see all the shocked looks on people's faces when they realize we're actually studying on the quad," said one sorority member. The long-time mayor of Boulder, Matt Applebaum, just shakes his hair in disbelief, "Kids these days!"

[grapes]

XOF INFOMERCIAL


For only $19.95, you can get your own E-ray! If you're about to shake hands with a customer, or Aunt Prissie just wants a little sugar, quickly point the E-ray at their forehead and you can tell in microseconds if they have a fever. Don't worry about Ebola again! Simple, discreet, and totally silent--no Buck Rogers sound effects for this ray gun! There's more! If you order in the next thirty minutes, we will send you two cyanide capsules with high enough dosage to guarantee that you and a loved one won't have to endure long and angonizing post-apocalyptic starvation. Hurry! order now before the end of civilization causes the widespread failure of postal delivery.

[grapes]

XOF Advice Columny


Dear Sigma

I disagree with your answer to the millennial who was upset with a baby boomer, you said "respect your elders." I'm sorry, but not everybody deserves respect just 'cause they're old! The boomers have been pushing their weight around too long, it's about time someone said something. I was OK with it when MILF became a thing, because some of them were kinda hot, but c'mon GILF ain't gonna happen! I don't care if Sally Fields advertises vaginal lube or Susan Sarandon smells good, or what's-her-name the flying nun, who was that? Nevermind, too much is too much. Give ... it ... up! Let someone else have a turn.

Mick Jagger

[Sigma_Orionis]

Thank you for contacting the "Dear Sigma" IT Romantic Advice Column. All our operators are currently busy helping other customers, your call is very important to us, please hold the line for the next available operator. You are number 9000 in a queue of 9.

While you wait please fill form ITILISOBULL-90002345 with a description of your problem in Sanskrit. Please remember to have it approved by your boss, your boss' boss and Griffin (either the VP of Finance or the Mythical Creature, whichever is harder). Our ISO 9000 certified Help-desk guarantees a consistent end-to-end usage experience based on the GIGO paradigm.

Also, while you wait, it's a great time to move to BYOD. Bring your personal tablet or phone and we'll hook it up to the corporate network, we'll just include compliance software which will not allow you to install anything that is not approved by our Chinese bible thick acceptable corporate use manual. And also will monitor your GPS, email, SMS, calls and Facebook postings as to make sure you don't send anything sensitive to our competitors or attempt to apply for a job with other people. We are a family, and good families (like Al Bundy's) demand absolute faith in the head of the household don't they? This way you have the best of both worlds, have the IT nanny tell you how, where and when you can use a device you paid from your own pocket and having to pay the repairs yourself. A Win-Win situation all around!

If you're an IT person, it's a great time to update your certifications, we won't pay you more for it, but it will look good on the monthly report HR compiles every month and sent to every VP so they can use it as bird cage lining or to fix wobbly meeting room tables.

For your listening pleasure you will now enjoy the velvet voice of Slim Whitman performing his smash hit "Indian Love Call"

[SciFiFisher]

For your listening pleasure you will now enjoy the velvet voice of Slim Whitman performing his smash hit "Indian Love Call"

***Breaking News***
Slim Whitman sues for royalty payments.

[Sigma_Orionis]

Back in the Saddle Again?

[SciFiFisher]

Back in the Saddle Again?

The Cattle Call

[Sigma_Orionis]

I think you meant Martian Call, let's see Slim sue these suckers from the grave

[SciFiFisher]

New York AG indicts 3M for selling ear plugs to Martian Liberation Front.

[Sigma_Orionis]

Ted Cruz, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan call it a gross display of government intervention, "the kind of regulations that asphyxiates businesses and stifles recovery". Louie Gohmert and Michele Bachmann say that it proves that Obama is a closet cryptocommie. Marco Rubio demands that the US National Anthem be now played by a Mariachi Band.

[Swift]

Marco Rubio demands that the US National Anthem be now played by a Mariachi Band.

Well actually, that sounds like a good idea.

[Sigma_Orionis]

I came up with it because it happens at the end of Mars Attacks (at 2:45) , but turns out that It has been done

[grapes]

XOF Pursuit of Busyness


We interviewed Ima Goana, the author of the hottest new business networking book, The Tao of Stevia. She admits she was influenced by the Lean In movement, but she wants the world to know that each woman has to be an even stronger self-advocate. "Don't just Lean In, Butt In! Get your ass in there, go cheek to cheek with the male hegemony, let 'em know who's taking over!" When we asked her if such an aggressive stance might be off-putting in some circles, she broke our nose. The excruciating pain made it difficult to hear, or see, the rest of the interview but we're pretty sure we got the gist. We think she said, "Fuck you, you smug bastard, go interview Schwarzenegger! Asshole!" XOF gives the book five stars.

[Sigma_Orionis]

You know, it's hard to say who was brown-nosing who in that interview......

[grapes]

XOF Your Home for the Holidays


Harvard's Institute of Pataphysics has declared this last Halloween to be the scariest ever. "There's never been a time when the list of unacceptable costumes has been longer," declared HIP's resident Trick or Treat guru, Dr. Hiram Haugh, "people were on edge when it came to this year's costumes. They freaked out." One New Jersey carpenter had dressed up in a hazmat suit for the last fifteen years, including glow sticks in his crotch that showed through the Tyvek, but he broke out in a sweat just thinking about it this year. "I couldn't do it. Even though all my friends expected me to be the hazmat guy, I couldn't. There was always a chance that there would be some monster at the party that would leap out and start screaming at me. I was too scared." Adding to the fright was the proliferation of Elsa and Olaf costumes. "Olaf scare me more than clown," said a three-year-old, whimpering behind his mother.

[grapes]

XOF ON IT


POPE FRANCIS EMBRACES GAYS, quickly exorcised and declared anti-pope

REPUBLICANS TAKE OVER CONGRESS, "wait, there's nothing here,we were duped!"

TAYLOR SWIFT SAYS C'YA TO CMAs, "did you ever really think I was country?"

STARBUCKS ADDING TURKEY LATTE, available only in molto grosso size

TERRORISTS STEAL ELECTION IN SMALL NH TOWN, community doesn't want it back

YOUNG VOTERS MORE FAMILIAR WITH CANDIDATES THIS YEAR, "they're bang-able"

[grapes]

XOF World News!



Lawyer Jesse Whiten, representing unnamed interests, has filed suit in US Federal Court to force the International Cartographic Board to change the name of the West Indies. "This has gone on long enough!" he said, "The name has long been recognized as an historical misnomer, and it is time to make it right." Whiten's lawsuit mentions that the area is now infringing on international naming rights, and is trading on the high reputation and good will already established. It says that the world has gradually accepted outsourced call centers, and if anyone in the West Indies were to pass themselves off as an tech center, it would ruin that relationship and cause untold economic damage. Attempts to get ahold of Mr. Whiten's office were unsuccessful--calls were answered by "Phil" from "Boston" and he said they'd return the call next week.

[grapes]

XOF Internal Memos



- Whose brown paper sack is in the refrigerator? I owe you for a shrimp sandwich

- What position are we taking this week on Noriega?

- Anyone want to paintball this weekend? And by paintball, I mean paint, cum ball

- Does anyone know how to auto-decrement in excel?

- Hahaha, I read that as excrement in decell, funny eh?

- Noriega blows

- Noriega is dead

- No he's not. What is our position on Apostolic Nunciature?

- Nunciatures blow

- Does anybody know where we put the torture devices? Specifically the iron maiden

- Behind the refrigerator, but it's full of brown paper bags

- Iron maidens blow

- Hahaha. No.



There's much much more, but the point is, the only XOF memo that references the IRS is the one dated 13 Jun 2014, that says "Do we have any memos that reference the IRS? The Times is killing us with this Lois Lerner story."

[Loresinger]

- and those 6 month old "grapes" that now look like raisins?

- something blinked at me in the refrigerator

- hey boss, we need a water cooler to stand around talking instead of these memos

[grapes]

- I bought you a water cooler! It's that big round thing in the corner that gurgles when you poke it

- That's ur mama

- Ur daddy!

- So, are there *any* important updates on world news? Any more people in the USA test negative for ebola, f'r'nstance?

- How about this? and I'm just spitballing this, what if Pope Francis visits Liberia? Could we get him quarantined for three weeks? We'd have more news than we could use!

- Pope Francis blows

- Ummm, no. Maybe.

[grapes]

XOF Litagation News


Ron O'Neill, the former Navy SEAL who claimed to have killed bin Laden, is suing the US government. "The SEALS are an elite squad, and only the best are chosen. Obviously, the gubmint did something to make me the dumbshit goober I am today, and I demand money for whatever they did to fuck me up." His suit against the government also cites his suit against the government as another example proving his diminished mental capacity. "You have to be nuts to try something like this."

[Thumper]

- I bought you a water cooler! It's that big round thing in the corner that gurgles when you poke it.

They call them "Bubblers" in Nashville.

[Sigma_Orionis]

- I bought you a water cooler! It's that big round thing in the corner that gurgles when you poke it

That's a water cooler? And here I thought it was a Cold Fusion device left over from the Bezos days.....

- That's ur mama

- Ur daddy!

Last time Palpatine tried that it didn't go over so well....

- So, are there *any* important updates on world news? Any more people in the USA test negative for ebola, f'r'nstance?

- How about this? and I'm just spitballing this, what if Pope Francis visits Liberia? Could we get him quarantined for three weeks? We'd have more news than we could use!

- Pope Francis blows

- Ummm, no. Maybe.

Here you have a piece of hot news:

"Over the weekend the current Pope and the former Pope had lunch together. The waiter who served them said they spent the whole time bitching about their boss." –Conan O'Brien

[grapes]

XOF SOCIETY


Mark Zuckerburg has squelched rumors that he and his wife Priscilla have split up.  It had been noted in the geek trade journals that for the past few months they have been living in separate countries, he in the USA, and she in Sri Lanka.  "Nothing could be farther from the truth!  We're just beta testing Facebook Intimacy, our latest app.  Just as Facebook revolutionized social interaction by creating social media, FI will webicize sexual relations.  Prissy has never been more satisfied, and our marriage is stronger than ever!"  An anonymous spokesperson for his company did note that they were working through some issues involving burnt hair, but thought the problems mostly cosmetic, except for the smell.

[grapes]

XOF FASHION CENTS


XOF's assiduous Eye In The Street (what's that in the road? a few feet? a head? hahah) is now reporting a major shift in the often fluid and fickle hipster world.  Beards and flannel are giving way to dirty shop overalls and greasy fingernails.  Lumbersexual has been holding sway too long and is now making way for casual extreme profanity and an implied familiarity with smoothly running machines.  XOF EITS is calling it:  mechsexual.  Watch for it at your neighborhood bottle shop.