XOF News

[Sigma_Orionis]

Crap! my spell checker replaced Jorge Bergoglio with Jalabola!

ETA: hmm, jalabola seems to be jail balls, those heavy shotput things dragged around by the Beagle Boys. Or, maybe not

"Jalabolas" is Venezuelan slang for "Ass Kisser"

[grapes]

Finally, something I can use! Where does the cuerda fit in?

[Sigma_Orionis]

cuerda's literal translation is "string", or "rope". In the context I used it, "cuerda" could be translated as "bunch". Again, That's Venezuelan Slang.

[grapes]

Ah, bunch of ass kissers.

I see some online etymology, and illustrations. Jalar + bola is pull+ball, hence the nad-grabbing in the pics, but the etymology says the balls were the prison balls. The ass-kissers would heft the balls for others, so it is ass-kissing but literally ball-pulling but not testicle pulling, except in the cartoons. Very nice.

[Sigma_Orionis]

That makes perfect sense, had never thought about it in that way. Pretty Cool

[Sigma_Orionis]

BTW (and I didn't know that till yesterday) there's ANOTHER meaning for "cuerda" it's also used to describe a line of prisoners chained to each other.

[grapes]

That just keeps getting better and better.

It could be in that class of idioms that can claim to be completely sanitized, so even the Pope can use 'em, but are associated with strong scatological imagery. Like hearing "I'm screwed" from your grandparents, or "You suck" from your grandkids.

[Sigma_Orionis]

Yup, maybe that's the real reason why Spanish is considered a Romance Language Although "Jalabolas" is considered a rude swear word, the sanitized "Gee Willikers" version is "chupamedias" ("socksucker" it does tend to sound worse in English doesn't it?)

[grapes]

XOF IN THE KNOW


WORKING TITLE OF SEQUEL TO AMERICAN SNIPER CHANGED, was American Psycho, will be American Snafu

ROMNEY WELCOMES BIDEN'S ENTRY INTO PRESIDENTIAL RACE, "my prayers have been answered"

NFL PATRIOTS BALLS UNDERINFLATED, investigation being called Jalabolagate, after a nickname for the commissioner's office

[Sigma_Orionis]

XOF predicting the future with unerring accuracy since 2016

[cid]

...and it sounded more like "Vayanse a lavarse ese culo, cuerda de jalabolas" (go ahead gringos, Google that) I do recall talk about using WMD in anger and also there were some passing references to Medical Experiments

Various online translators gave various results, but none of 'em sounded terribly conplimentary...

[Sigma_Orionis]

...and it sounded more like "Vayanse a lavarse ese culo, cuerda de jalabolas" (go ahead gringos, Google that) I do recall talk about using WMD in anger and also there were some passing references to Medical Experiments

Various online translators gave various results, but none of 'em sounded terribly conplimentary...

Indeed, it's sort of hard to translate

[grapes]

XOF RETREADS


New Orleans complained to Los Angeles that they had no right to be known as LA, as the digraph was officially reserved for the state of Louisiana by the United States Postal Service. Los Angeles laughed and noogied New Orlean's head and made them eat crawdads. New Orleans bragged to friends that ze and LA had lunch together.

[Sigma_Orionis]

And both have their own NCIS spinoff....Coincidence? It's Conspiracy!

[grapes]

XOF SPINOFF


It's the hottest new online trivia game! XOF WTF combines two of your favorites: useless knowledge, and emotional bullying. You and an online friend (AKA cyber entity originating from behind a foreign firewall, of indeterminate age and gender and Turing status) can enjoy thousands of hours answering multiple choice questions about impossibly arcane details from XOF stories of the past. Then, you can publicly humiliate your friend in hundreds of animated simulations. Sign up today!

Try these:

What two little words did XOF contributor MarryWidow whisper to their legal counsel last week?
1) I'm drunk
2) You're hot
3) I'm fucked
4) Kill them

How many XOF articles have included the personal details from Michael Jackdon's last two months?
1) 1
2) 2
3) 3
4) Heap

Which of these are false statements about the voting record of Wrong (the g is also silent) Paul?
1) Out of 434 representatives, only he voted against giving Congressional Gold Medal to Rosa Parks
2) Said he would've voted against the Civil Rights Act of 1964
3) Voted against the MLK national holiday
4) Voted against constitutionally defining marriage as one-man-one-woman. (Jul 2006)

[grapes]

XOF REVIEW OF BOOKS


First off, it must be said that in our reviews, XOF takes a very liberal view of what is a book. As our readers know from past reviews, a book can be a 500 page romantic novel, or 100 page dissertation on the world economy, or a 10,000 word online blog examining the sex life of the Kardashians, or a 5 line vitriolic screed denouncing vaccines. In one review, we looked at (redacted)'s posts in FWIS Bitch, Moan, and Rant about the progress of their eczema treatments.

This week we take on an interview published in the Boston (TX) Polyphemus. It purports to be an interview with the arsonist responsible for the torching of the old county courthouse when the new courthouse was built in New Boston.

Gaaah, I've fuckin forgotten where this was headed

[grapes]

XOF SUPERBOWL EDITION


EARLY BUZZ FOR SNICKERS BRADY BUNCH AD, Danny Trejo and Steve Buscemi and green screen mentioned for CLIOs

20,000 YOUNG ADULTS STRICKEN BY OLD YELLER SYNDROME, caused by Budweiser horses and puppy

KATY PERRY SURPRISES HALFTIME CROWD WITH LYLE LOVETT, met on Tinder

SNOWSTORM HITS NEW ENGLAND, fans forced to wait in line for hours for chicken wings

FOOTBALL?? WHAT'S THAT?

[grapes]

XOF FUTURES


YELLOWSTONE BLOWS, Yosemite: what else is new?

ELECTION 2016, send in the clowns

ELECTRIC CARS TAKE OFF, Apple introduces iBattery

ENTIRE UNITED STATES FRACKED, nothing left but the pieces

EVERYONE IN FRANCE CONVERTS TO JAINISM, done

NORTH KOREA DEVELOPS LARGE NUCLEAR BOMB, accidentally blows self up

AMERICAN PRISONS CONVERTED TO OFF-SEASON NFL LIVING QUARTERS

1 IN 5 SPOUSES ADMIT TO BEING TRANSGENDER, Census Bureau just gives up

[grapes]

XOF EDU-K-SHEN



Nevada law maker Clifton Stiles has introduced a bill in the state legislature to "completely revamp" education in the state. "We don't really need schools, right? I mean, who uses geometry or rhetoric or grammar now days?" Stiles' plan would get rid of the bricks-and-mortar model of education that is so out-dated today. "This is the Internet Age!" he hollers, to whoever will listen.

The plan would include turning out all 12-15 year-olds into holding areas where they would learn basic survival skills."Do we really want to produce graduates that are incapable of killing, cleaning, and cooking their own lunch?" Because today's students are encouraged to be life-long self-motived collaborative learners, no teachers would be necessary, saving the state $939,000. "Yes, the state does not now pay teachers much, but a penny saved, right?"

"Nevada should be proud that our future graduates will be some of the most sought after employees anywhere! What other state can say that every single one of their graduates can successfully build a shelter and a fire? And stitch together functional clothes that protect from the elements?" The ranch land of the new model "learning environment" is now owned by a shadow corporation that appears to be a front for six of Stiles' cousins. "It's just a lucky coincidence!" said Stiles, "that no one learns probability theory in school anymore."

[Cyborg Girl]

Oww. That was wicked, man. Right on target.

[grapes]

"Of course you would agree with me," responded Stiles, "it's time to wean ourselves from the heuristeat!"

[Sigma_Orionis]

Let me guess, the Shadow Corporation owned by Representative Stiles' cousins also purchased the rights to the "Red Dawn" franchise and are currently producing several spin-offs that will be offered as edu-k-shenonal material as part of Nevada's version of "Common Core"

[grapes]

Yeah, but their version they call Common Cents, wouldn't cha know

[grapes]

XOF NEWS


TOYOTA ANNOUNCES iROAD, electric motorcycle is also fully-functional coffin

ANTHEM SOLVES PASSWORD PROBLEM, consultant hired from Verizon will just make it impossible to login online

KANYE STARTS NEW AWARD, going to call it the beyoncé

STILL TIME TO SEND AN E-CARD TO YOUR LOVER FOR VALENTINES DAY, if you want to be broke up by Feb 15

[grapes]

XOF APPLE WATCH WATCH


Apple is betting that they have another winner in the Apple Watch. What better way of bucking the trend to bigger and bigger displays than by making them tiny? "We've invented a new font that's easier to read on the tiny screen, called San Francisco. That's our region-of-focus, too. It's the same reason we're not calling them iWatch and iPay, those have negative connotations in the Tenderloin District."

"We've noticed that people under thirty are no longer wearing watches. That's just inhuman, the Apple Watch will fit into that evolutionary niche quite nicely." The Gold Apple Watch (GAW!) will retail for like ten thousand dollars, so watches will maintain their singular status of being worth more than your arm. By working with the iPhone, the Watch will allow the phone to grow to gigantic proportions, since you'll never really have to pull out your phone. In fact a new version of Gorilla Glass has been developed that will allow the iPhone to actually be a bullet-proof vest. That also allows the user to be completely enveloped in the warming radiation emanating from the phone. Couples will be able to watch their favorite porn on their lover's iPhone while they take off their iPhone. "This is the future, baby!"