XOF News

[grapes]

XOF Whirled Beet

The EU moved yesterday to support a non-binding resolution that would outlaw alliteration amongst its member countries and severely limit imports of particular pieces of prose from non-member countries. It was a reaction to the international outrage expressed over the creation of a Krispy Kreme Klub in a donut shop in Hmmm, England. One spokesman said "It's just another example of unintended consonants. You have to be careful with these things, everyone knows the pen is much more mightier than the sword."

[grapes]

XOF BIG DIC


From our one-of-a-kind internet-sized dictionary sitting on the XOF copy desk:

soprende (n) clueless surprise, the experience of someone who is confronted with something unfamiliar, but actually a common thing, notion, or occurrence (etym: soprende, "it surprises", Spanish)

soprende (adj) used in an adjectival sense, as in a soprende moment, usually derogatory or self-deprecating


See also: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.p ... id=2576067

[Sigma_Orionis]

Looks like you've been compiling terms for the urban dictionary for a while....

[grapes]

Hmmm, for the record, "totally girl powered" and "piece of ass" are not mine. The urban dictionary was the wild west back then.

[grapes]

XOF Health

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC), in conjunction with Andrew F. Traver (AFT) of the department of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms (ATF), announced a new health initiative. They've discovered that gun nut rabies can be cured by the injection of small amounts of lead. "We first noticed the effect in James Brady, Ronald Reagan's press secretary. He was a rabid gun nut before innoculation, and was cured within a few days. It wasn't until he died last year that we realized that the effect was permanent," said AFT. "It was like Snow finding the Broad Street pump in Soho, a real SMH moment." All citizens are encouraged to get the injection, but adult males seem particularly susceptible to the disease. Herd immunity can be quickly induced, too, the CDC found when they studied the former penal colony of Australia. AFT said he'd be pressing Congress to pass legislation making it mandatory for all adults to be inoculated, except for individuals who apply for an exemption based upon religious objection to getting shot. So-called Hollywood anti-vaxers protested the announcement, saying that the side effects were just as dangerous as the disease. One said "There is no proof that 200-grain lead bullets are not ultimately harmful to the human body. We have to make sure this treatment is safe before we just start shooting everybody." Officials at the CDC scoffed at such talk, "Trust us, we know a solution when we see one."

[grapes]

XOF BAD NEWS

Things you probably didn't know you were afraid of, until now:

Swallowing pills.  Pills that don't wash down your throat but get stuck, can burn a hole in your throat, with painful consequences.  http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2033383/How-pill-water-burn-hole-throat-One-doctor-learns-hard-way-gulp-tablets.html

Pomegranates.  Hundreds of people have contracted hepatitis from eating pomegranates.
http://www.foodsafetynews.com/2013/07/131-sickened-by-hepatitis-a-outbreak-linked-to-pomegranate-seeds-in-berry-mix/
http://www.cdc.gov/hepatitis/outbreaks/2013/a1b-03-31/index.html

Dogs licking.  Pasteurella exists in most otherwise-healthy dogs' mouths, can result in pasteurellosis in humans if they have open sores.
http://www.fwis3.com/newpaint/viewtopic.php?f=22&t=33&p=5366#p5366

Cicerones.  Anyone who ever deflected a sommelier by ordering a beer will now have to face cicerones.
https://cicerone.org/

I'm adding Kizomba, and the FWIS search function, to the list.

[grapes]

XOF On Labor


The entire XOF staff has been in Buenos Aries during Carnival to cover the GAMS convention, a high-level meeting of the representatives of the largest labor group in the world, the affiliated Gambling-workers, Addiction-workers, Murder-workers, and Sex-workers. "We're the largest but most maligned and misunderstood segment of the international labor pool," said a spokesperson. "Some or all of our members interact daily with nearly every single person in the world, given that the gambling industry includes bingo and lotteries, and addiction includes alcohol, tobacco, and firearms. O, and sex-workers in Utah." XOF had a great time at the parties, although we had minor objections to the contents of the media swag bags that were handed out--until we cleared up our concerns with murder-workers from Time-Warner, who were very persuasive. We have to say, this was one of the best organized conventions we've ever attended.

Cherie was in charge of recording and documenting our interviews, but her equipment was lost when Ramon heaved it off a pleasure cruise into the thick brown waters of the Río de la Plata. I think I still have some pics on my phone, but they're a little blurry.

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XOF Future Headlines 2020


PRESIDENT CLINTON RESIGNS OVER STOLEN VALOR FUROR, had said she'd boinked Brad Pitt

ISIS TURNS LEGIT, buys Great Britain's hereditary titles

USA SOLVES GUN VIOLENCE AND UNREST PROBLEM, free cases of PBR to anyone packing

THE HOME DEPOT OSCAR FOR BEST ACTOR GOES TO ANGUS T. JONES, portrayal of Ghandi in remake of Road To Mandalay

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XOF FPV


Washington DC is on alert after drones were heard in Congressional chambers, especially after the week of reports of drones over Paris. A visiting tourist, James Nausium, said "We didn't actually see any drones, we just heard them. They sounded kinda dull and monotone." A long-time security guard, Franklin Eps, said "We've always heard them in here, but now they're getting louder. Soon, we might be able to figure out where they're going." A couple of shadowy figures with big bellies were seen skulking about the outside door, leading to speculation that they might be controlling the drones, but no direct connection was made.

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XOF NET NEWS


FCC AFFIRMS NET NEUTRALITY, phone companies team with Apple to provide "Internet-Device Access-Tiers Accounts"

NEW GAME ALLOWS YOU TO SPEND REAL MONEY, receive valuable electronic promissory notes

GPS ADD-ON "WATCH YOUR STEP", can warn you if you're approaching stairs, or walls

NINTENDO GANG BANG IS HOTTEST GAME, simulated sex with as many as ten other players, no chance of infection *unless* you pass your phone around

DOZENS OF NEWSPAPERS VYING TO BE "LAST PRINT EDITION EVER", would boost online status

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XOF AWARD-WINNING NEWS


The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (AMPAS) has capitulated, and recognized that Kanye is a superior arbiter of quality. Starting in 2016, all 59 Oscar categories will be decided by Kanye, who will write down the names of the winners and slip them into the envelopes to be read during the Oscar ceremonies. AMPAS will still announce their nominees, but Kanye will be under no obligation to even read the list of nominees. "Yes, he is that good," enthused an AMPAS spokesperson, "and he has agreed to remove his demand that they be re-named The Beyoncés. We're very grateful for his support and generosity!"

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XOF Family Tidbits


One of the XOF writers, Dee Claudé, has retired, and was presented with an Apple gold watch for her 38 days of service to XOF. Her witful put downs of management thugs will be sorely missed in the workroom. Don't be a stranger, Dee!

Longtime friend of XOF, Jodi Arias, sent us photos of her new home. She has embraced the tiny house/minimalist philosophy, and the result is incredible. She encourages old friends to stop by anytime!

One of our email service subscribers has just told us that her entire communication history has just been requested by the Department of Justice. Way to go, sosclinton@xofmail.com, that's a wonderful honor!

You'll be pleased to hear that XOF has retained lawyer Amal Alamuddin to conduct our annual sexual harassment in the workplace re-training workshops. By this time next year, we should be world class at it!

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XOF Ear To The Wire


XOF has just reviewed 50,000 emails sent to and from Hillary Rodham Clinton's private email account. It took us five days, but I think we've finally found the one most revealing:

Dear Bill

<redacted>

Love
Hill

She uses formal greetings/closings in her emails! Clearly, presidential timber.

[Sigma_Orionis]

It will be very useful for her stump speeches......

[grapes]

I'm told by astute campaign watchers that the Clinton wood is a liability.

Which reminds me of the lyrics of an old Beatles song, "So I lit a fire, isn't it good, knowing she-wood?"

[Sigma_Orionis]

What? no "Sherwood"?

[grapes]

XOF KEEPING TRACK OF THE PLAYERS


Boko Haram in Nigeria has announced an alliance with ISIS (or, as they like to be called now that they've reached puberty, just IS). Far from being a little outpost terrorist-wannabe, however, they would like to be considered an equal partner in this holy marriage, so they're looking for a new and inclusive acronym. They definitely want to put the embarassment of "Daesh" behind them, that was a failed Arab acronym (is there such a thing?) that was foisted upon them by their now-fired French ad agency C'est la Vie. So, XOF is predicting (you heard it here first) that the new acronym by which the elite of world terror, this new savage supergroup, will be known, will be ISBN. You can make book on it (that's a play on "boko" see? it means "book").

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XOF TRANSLATE


XOF engineers have devised eight add-ons for the popular Google Translate that will allow our readers to translate languages not supported by the popular online app. Using XOFulate, our readers will be able to decode Legalese, Victimation, Tweencant, JournalJargon, Babybabble, ItsDaBooze, Kitehigh, and Pillowtalk.

Here's an example of its versatility, it manages to translate a passage containing both Legalese and Victimation
( http://www.usatoday.com/story/life/musi ... /24492431/ )

Howard King, lead attorney for Williams, Thicke and T.I., told jurors a verdict for the Gaye family would stifle artists and inhibit musicians trying to recreate an era or genre of music.

Translation:

The lawyer told the jury that by deciding for the old artists, the new artists weren't going to be able to maintain their extremely comfortable lifestyle, which mostly consists of laying around and ripping old shit.

[grapes]

We're selling Clinton and Cruz futures. Any takers?

How about cattle futures? Cronuts?

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XOF LITTLE PEOPLE IN THE NEWS


(XOF's Lee Harvey Osment interviewed the last public school teacher in Los Angeles, who shall be known only as Job)

XOF: So, this is your last day? What are your responsibilities?

Job: Mostly turn out the lights (nervous laughter). I have a couple books to return to the library that I checked out in 1987. I've got to submit my final grades--but I don't think anyone is ever going to look at them.

XOF: How do you feel about being the last school teacher in LA?

Job: Well, it's nothing special. My last name is Ztorny, so I get to be last a lot. No big deal.

XOF: How do you feel about there being no more teachers in general?

Job: Uh, OK, I guess. We've been teaching about the industrial revolution for over a hundred years, and how luddites reacted to it. I don't want to be one of those guys. The last few years, no one has listened to me anyways. Not that I blame them, I usually couldn't understand them either.

XOF: What are you going to do next?

Job: They say that Colorado is experiencing a boom in professional cuddling, I think I can be pretty good at that.

XOF: Good luck!

Job: Thanks! Want a hug?

XOF: No, we're good.

Job: OK, just trying to get some practice in. Let me help you with your coat.

XOF: Bye!

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XOF SPORTS SHORTS


The XOF Sports Bro reports this communication from longtime sports analyst Run Duke DS, former manager of the Flying Enchiladas softball team, and general manager of the Bon Vivant in the European Gastronomy League: "ESPN has announced the launch of the ESPN Calipari channel. It will be 24 hours of interviews with the Kentucky coach, highlights of Kentucky's season, and ESPN staff picking Kentucky to win the national championship." How can anybody talk about their favorite sports team for hours and hours, we dunno.

Breaking News: The entire Oakland Raider football team has retired, citing personal concerns about intelligence levels in and around the league. "When SF's Chris Borland retired, the average IQ in the league dropped 5 points, I think," said former Raider fifth-string QB Matt Schaub. "Besides, this will probably save LA a lot of money."

In baseball news: spring training...the test card of sports.

XOF talked to Tommy Amaker, former Duke player/asst coach and now head coach of Harvard, about their upcoming match against North Carolina in the NCAA tourney. "We played an ACC team earlier in the season, Virginia, and got beat 76-27, so we know what we're facing. We've done our homework. Well...almost all of it. That's what we're going to be doing during the game, homework. A couple of the guys are struggling with DiffEQ, so we're going to do that. NCAA rules say a forfeit goes into the books as a 40-0 defeat. That's respectable, we can live with that."

[Sigma_Orionis]

XOF TRANSLATE


XOF engineers have devised eight add-ons for the popular Google Translate that will allow our readers to translate languages not supported by the popular online app. Using XOFulate, our readers will be able to decode Legalese, Victimation, Tweencant, JournalJargon, Babybabble, ItsDaBooze, Kitehigh, and Pillowtalk.

Here's an example of its versatility, it manages to translate a passage containing both Legalese and Victimation
( http://www.usatoday.com/story/life/musi ... /24492431/ )

Howard King, lead attorney for Williams, Thicke and T.I., told jurors a verdict for the Gaye family would stifle artists and inhibit musicians trying to recreate an era or genre of music.

Translation:

The lawyer told the jury that by deciding for the old artists, the new artists weren't going to be able to maintain their extremely comfortable lifestyle, which mostly consists of laying around and ripping old shit.

[grapes]

XOF News on Drugs


Starbucks has discontinued their "Race Together" campaign, and will start focussing on their new online eRace app. Said company spokesperson Jo Macchiato, "How can anyone possibly misinterpret that?" It replaces their iNtegrate app which had caused so much confusion last year.

Alaska is moving to a legalized drugs standard, applauded by liberals and slackers everywhere. However, locals are complaining that they're now getting busted at an alarming rate. "It was better before, when there wasn't so much attention on us," said Huff Cuthburtson, a former low-profile pharm-assist. "The rules were simpler; now, they're hundreds of pages long. If I didn't know any better, I would be suspicious that they're trying to drive me out of business so they can make the money."

With the (disputed) studies linking prescription testosterone with coronary problems, more men than ever are finding it hard, in deciding which treatment to place their heart on. "I complain to my doctor, but she just says 'get a grip'," said patient and low-libido sufferer Herman Sherman. His mother says that his name has nothing to do with his problem.

[grapes]

XOF Obits


Lee Kuan Yew, former prime minister and visionary architect of Singapore's ban on chewing gum, went to his final rest on the bedpost; left behind younger brother, Pi Son Yew.

[Sigma_Orionis]

You're a Bastard Sans Frontiers, the proud epitome for XOF News