XOF News

[grapes]

XOF In the Pitts



Angelina Jolie undergoes preventative frontal lobe surgery

Elephantine party plays Hispanic card, a joker

New Jersey police veteran admits to masturbating in coffee shop, left lousy tip

Ellen Pao inspiring young girls, they say they want to major in litigation

[Sigma_Orionis]

Elephantine party plays Hispanic card, a joker

Marco Rubio is in the Cards, Ted Cruz ended up a joker after he tried to play Texas Hold'em without a gun

[grapes]

XOF NOBEL SAVAGES


The world was amazed yesterday to learn that Yaznyer Yvigni was announced as the winner of the 2025 Nobel Peace Prize. The trillionaire international arms dealer was known as Gospodin Smrti (Mr. Death) in his home of Dubrovnik, Croatia--with good reason. For years, he had impartially provided the most sophisticated and powerful drone weaponry to any and every country that could afford his asking price. But it was just last week that it was revealed that his technology was a sham, and the only thing his vast network of engineers produced was simulated virtual drone strikes. Since he also provided the surveillance capabilities, each country was satisfied that they were bombing the fuck out of their enemies. Weirdly, none of his customers complained. The World Court kicked it over to Oslo, and after only a few hours of deliberation, they called him yesterday with the news of his Nobel. Conservative estimates indicate as many as 70 million lives were saved, and 2.3 trillion (Euro) of destruction was avoided. "I am unmoving in shock," he said in a brief interview, "this a good-feeling surprise. I expecting 20 to 30, minimum."

[grapes]

XOF Pharm Report

In the wake of Willie Nelson's announcement of his national brand of select marijuana, Willie's Reserve, other celebrity pot-entates have shared their own plans for boutique bud lines. Several Hollywood celeb products have already had a soft opening (Pitt's True Romance, Kiefer Riefer) but an entire acting-family clan will be on hand next week for a glamorous and glitzy rollout of Fonda Chronic. The secret ingredient in Newman's Own hasn't been that big of a secret. Even the White House revealed their early sketches for what is probably going to be called Obamaui, although one junior aide kept pronouncing it Obama-maui. Small growers around the country are feeling squeezed by what they call the gentrification of grass. Said one, "I was selling reefer when it was considered madness, but I stuck with my customer base, even supplying them when they went to prison for five years, and now they're going to be buying Cheney's Dickweed just 'cause they're now Republican? Where's the loyalty?"

[Sigma_Orionis]

XOF News Addendum

Phil Robertson declined to comment on his new Medicinal Marihuana Distribution Business. XOF learned that Robertson has been doing regular trips to California and Mexico and that lately he has decided to enter a Pablo Escobar lookalike contest held in Medellin.

[grapes]

XOF 'nnues


ANGELINA SAYS BRAD SUPPORTS SURGERIES, he says she's looking more like Jennifer

DIAPERS ISSUED TO PILOTS ON ALL EUROPEAN FLIGHTS, pilots consumption of alcohol falls off

VIRTUAL REALITY REPLACES REALITY, reality is now "Old Reality"

NCAA REVIEWS DUKE-UTAH GAME, free throws awarded after players shake hands, covers point spread, swings hundred million dollars in bets, no irregularities or broken legs found

[grapes]

XOF Personality Quiz


1. You view an editorial cartoon showing an english-test grader holding a .357 to his head.
a. (4 pts) You worry about how the cartoon might effect a emotionaly unstable young person
b. (2 pts) Your own finger gets a little itchy
c. (1 pts) You remember your grandmother, who killed herself with a derringer; cry a little
d. (0 pts) You turn to the comics or sports pages

2. You're handed two small pieces of your favorite candy
a. (3 1/2 pts) You put them in your pocket for later
b. (2 pts) You hand them back, thanking the researcher
c. (5 pts) You eat one, save the other for a friend
d. (0 pts) You eat both, chewing them simultaneously

3. You look back at question number 1
a. (3 pts) You think we should correct the grammar mistakes in answer a.
b. (5 pts) You wonder why question c. has "1 pts" instead of just "1 pt"
c. (2 pts) You think all the answers are fine, especially this one.
d. (0 pts) You did not look back at question number 1


Add up your points. You got zero, right? You're a fucking FWIS XOF reader!!! ¿¿Have. You. No. Shame??

[Sigma_Orionis]

Yup, I got 0

[Thumper]

Ditto.

[grapes]

XOFinancials



The NYSE was shuttered for seven hours today for a software update, after the revelations that high-speed computer trading had effectively siphoned off 28% of the total market value, by exploiting a relativistic loophole in the GPS timing signal. Trades were time-stamped and validated with a code from the GPS signal that allowed the trade to proceed. However, different GPS satellites might differ by a tiny fraction of a second because of relativity, and a trader with a super-fast computer could take advantage of some market jumps by time-stamping the trade before the already-completed jump. Hugh Gloss, vice-president of damage control at XCZVippity, was begrudgingly impressed, "They ruined us, they did. But, good on them, I woulda done the same." The new software just slows things down so relativity is no longer a concern. The slow down also caused the dollar to drop, but every other currency in the world did too.

[Loresinger]

Proof that real life can be stranger than XOF news:

http://stuppid.com/arrested-selling-gol ... ts-heaven/

[grapes]

If you think that's real life, I've got two bridges to sell you. High quality dental work. We know that mugshot, he's that guy. OK, I apologize, I was wrong, I tried to google it and all I got was Justin Bieber. I'm going to try to lay down and fall asleep and hope it's gone before I wake up.

[grapes]

XOF Pre-election results


We at XOF have analyzed the field and can now predict the winner of the 2016 US presidential race. We're fairly confident in our results, but we're rushing into this a little bit because we want to be the first to coin the term Nepotism Election. The candidate of the asinine party of course will be Hillary, spouse of former president Bill Clinton, and the candidate of the elephantine party will be Jeb, son and brother of presidents Bush 41 and Bush 43 respectively. Then, the tea leaves party candidate, Rand, son of three-time presidential candidate Ron Paul, will stir the election pot into a whirling (but deterministic) chaos, allowing us to foresee the write-in emergence of the winner, Michelle, lawyer (Harvard), writer (of the best-selling If *I* Would've Done It), and wife of a sitting president who has not yet met his monica. Seems obvious now, doesn't it?

[Sigma_Orionis]

Nepotism? in the land of the free and the home of the brave? SHOCKING!

[grapes]

XOF Get Out The Vote


The non-profit advocacy organization Women On 20s, trying to replace the image of Native-American-foe Andrew Jackson on the US twenty-dollar bill, have announced the final four of their peoples' choice candidates. Three of the candidates were winnowed from a list of over eighty, the fourth was added to balance the slate.

XOF editorial staff analyzed all the issues, and after serious discussion, would like to endorse the fourth candidate. Wilma Mankiller. Vote for her! We're all about the mankillas

http://www.womenon20s.org/candidates

[grapes]

XOF In the Ring



In anticipation of Hillary's probable announcement tomorrow, Sunday, about running for president, XOF interviewed one of her high-ranking nameless toadies (HNT).

XOF: Thank you for agreeing to this interview! We know you guys are tremendously busy!

HNT: Yes. (flat smile)

XOF: We don't want to take up too much of your time then! We'll just get to what everyone wants to know. How is Hillary going to handle the Obama legacy?

HNT: Same way she handles the Clinton legacy. She is different from Obama (wink).

XOF: What about emailgate?

HNT: Email?? You know she's going to be president, right? (glare)

XOF: (Nervous fumbling) strike that question. Huh, what about Benghazi?

HNT: (glare)

XOF: OK then! We wish you all best of luck in the primaries!

HNT: Thanks, don't need it. (flat smile)

[grapes]

FIFTEEN TON FATBERG REMOVED FROM LONDON SEWER, "at least we don't have gout," explains onlooker

Latest news: 11 ton fatberg breaks London sewer. USA Today reports it as 131 foot long, which makes us wonder who actually got down and measured the mass of congealed cooking oil and baby wipes. However, 131 feet is also 40 meters, so we're guessing they just estimated after all.

[grapes]

XOF POTUS Watch


The Committee to Avoid Putting Bill Clinton Back in the White House announced yesterday that they have unleashed attack dog Bernie Sanders, hoping to inflict enough soft tissue damage that will allow the smaller dogs to finish. If Sanders were to take office in 2017, he would be older than Reagan when Reagan left office. OK, almost, anyway. When asked whether he was a serious candidate, a spokesperson replied, "he won 71% of the vote in Vermont, with a Brooklyn accent, 'nuff said." When asked about his working with SNCC, the spokesperson put on their magenta-colored glasses and said "the average American will view that youthful experience as a positive. And living in a kibbutz is a lot like living in the White House, so he's got that going for him too."

[grapes]

XOF MONEY WATCH


In the NFL draft, the Denver Broncos moved up from 28 to 23 and drafted Missouri linebacker Shane Ray, despite his being cited Monday for possession of marijuana. In Colorado, Broncos GM John Elway grinned and said, "that's a good thing, right?"

Chicago Bull Joakim Noah, after his team beat (!) the Milwaukee Bucks 120-66 to advance to the semifinals: "I never thought I'd say this, but I'm very excited to go to Cleveland."

We interviewed Malibu Moon, who has two of his progeny racing in Saturday's Kentucky Derby Presented by Yum! Brands. "They're both great! I'm always excited! They, plus my son Orb (who won the 2013 Kentucky Derby Presented by Yum! Brands), are going to make my seed shoot through the roof!"

[grapes]

XOF Teen Beat


A group of students at John Brown's Body High School in Tuskarora MS have organized to elect the school's first male Prom Queen. Jorian Phitipaldy explained "We're trying to make a point that males have just as much right as anyone else to hold ceremonial office." When asked if the group had sponsored a female for Prom King, he said "No, baby steps. We're changing society one small step at a time." Then XOF pointed out that that would mean that the Prom Royal couple would both be male, and we asked whether that was a significant development. Jorian hesitated, looked wildly around, and scratched his head. "No, all the attendants are female. Well, there's one left, all the rest quit." XOF asked if the remaining female attendant was the one named David Anders, and Jorian threw up.

[grapes]

XOF Ombudsman


XOF apologizes for that last news article. We inadvertently published an excerpt from Blaze Orange Organza. the work-in-progress novel of one of our staff, Will DiMeola. Any resemblance to actual persons or places is purely coincidental. That includes Hillary Clinton and Yoko Ono.

[Sigma_Orionis]

Of course it is

[Swift]

That includes Hillary Clinton and Yoko Ono.

Yes, but doesn't everything include Hillary Clinton and Yoko Ono.

[grapes]

Fair 'nuff, but still no resemblance to actual persons


Jorian said, "So, what's the greatest football game ever played?" He was testing Dave to see if he had any sort of basic knowledge. Dave didn't take the bait, and said "It depends. My Dad always says the greatest game ever, was in rec league soccer when I was five years old. It was raining, and we were short-handed, and we still won. He can describe almost every play, and the reaction of the crowd."

"I'm not talking about soccer! I'm talking about football!"

"I know. Everybody has a different perspective." Dave lowered his voice, and looked around like Moe in Wise Guys. "Some people think the greatest game is cricket!"

"I don't mean the greatest type of game! I mean, the greatest game. In the National Football League. You can ignore anything before the first Super Bowl."

"Does that include the first two Super Bowls? Because they weren't named the Super Bowl back then."

Jorian gave Dave a funny look. "Three. The first three. But they count. They were called Super Bowls."

Dave shrugged. "See?"

[grapes]

XOF Read and Blew


Colorado officials, reacting to their state's newly-claimed status as the state with the highest incidence of non-vaccinated school children, have instituted a waiting period for parents to opt out of the vaccination sequence. As one official explained, "Before, parents could just check the box that said they objected to vaccination on a religious, moral or philosophical basis, and that'd be it. Now, they have to wait 72 hours before they can sign the form, and they have to watch a video of what happens to children suffering from advanced complications due to measles. And, they have to listen to a lecture on basic epidemiology." From Hollywood, 31 actors and actresses have committed to traveling to the state to speak out against the waiting period, but only four will be able to make it before ski season. The national Libertarian Party reacted with aghast, but said their registration numbers in Colorado are sky-rocketing, although that could just be the drugs and people are mis-marking the registration forms.