XOF News

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XOF SI NEWS


ARTIFICIAL HAMBURGER INTRODUCED, first bite "tastes like soylent"

REPUBLICANS BOYCOTT ALL NEWS MEDIA, chief of GOP says liberal bias blamed, insists it's *not* a stupid move

DENVER:  LEW CADY DIES, really furs his duck

WASHINGTON POST FOR SALE ON AMAZON, junior supreme court justices next

YANKEES PUNISHED IN A-ROD CASE, they have to let him play for them

[grapes]

XOF NEWS SELLS OUT


XOF News has been sold to Jeff Bezos, the brazilianaire publisher of the prestigious Washington Post, for the legendary price of a dollar two ninety eight. When asked if he could justify extending himself further into the news publishing business, Mr. Bezos scoffed, "XOF virtually runs itself, I'd be an idiot to pass it up." As a smaller, more agile, entity, XOF will be the ideal vehicle to "test drive" the many modernizations that will later occur at the Post. Firstly, comic sans will be banned, even in the comics. Secondly, all fax machines will be removed from employee washrooms, where they've been stacked since 1997. Thirdly, XOF headlines will be tweeted (@xofnews, although we're only following the Dalai Lama and Ashlee Simpson). Fourthly, in-depth articles will be in 3-D. More to follow.

This just in: @XOFNews: 1 Euro = 655.957 XOF (West Africa CFA Franc BCEAO)

[Sigma_Orionis]

BEZOS BUYOUT HERALDS BIG CHANGES AT XOF News.
(XOF L5 News Desk at Large)

In a written statement, Jeff Bezos mentioned that his new part time hobby: sending things up to space in blue rockets, would fit very well with the new management style at XOF. He expects to send all XOF IT personnel in his next rocket launch. The launch is scheduled for Febrary 29, 2014. "Hey, if it works it would give the term 'Outsourcing to the Cloud' a whole new meaning wouldn't it?" Bezos wrote in his statement.

No landing date for the rocket has been released. Attemtps to contact Mr. Bezos were unsuccesful, "He's been too busy watching NCIS reruns" said his baby sitter.

[grapes]

Aaarrrggh! I forgot about the rrrrocket.

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XOF NEWS, a subsidiary of Foggy Bottom Publishing


OBAMA CANCELS SUMMIT WITH PUTIN, Russia says they already knew 

TESLA SHOCKS FINANCIAL EXPERTS, auto faces recall

FIFTEEN TON FATBERG REMOVED FROM LONDON SEWER, "at least we don't have gout," explains onlooker

MANNING BROTHERS GO VIRAL, Giants and Broncos all get shingles

[Sigma_Orionis]

XOF News hacked by activist philosophers
(XOF Cogito Ergo Sum Desk)

Today, a group of rogue philosophers hacked the XOF News website, claiming that the recent buyout by Jeff Bezos confirms that that a shadow IT-Philosophical-Second-Banana Complex is conspiring with IBM to build a Large SuperComputer to find the ultimate answer to the ultimate question of Life the Universe and Everything, putting millions of philosophers out of work.

The Saint-Agustine-Occam-Fried-Bacon Electronic Army claimed responsability for hacking the XOF News site, which redirected readers to a website with pictures of Aristotle and Plato doing dirty things with domestic animals: "Pictures of two dudes, in greek robes with beards cleaning kitty litter trays while spouting racist remarks about greeks bearing gifts to those poor innocent cats, they all looked like egyptian statues, paralyzed with BOREDOM. It was UNBEARDABLE" said a eye witness.

Reportedly, the hacked website offered free copies of "The Sensous Dirty Old Man" by "Dr. A" with an all new foreword written by a certain person whose initials were M.A. As of this writing, the Thought Police are still investigating about the identity and whereabouts of this person.

The site was also full of militant philosopher propaganda such as "We will not do Telemarketing", "Schopenhauer was an optimist", "Spinoza loves Nietzche's Sister" and "Albert Camus loves Facebook"

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XOF NEWS, all the news that fits, we print


US POST OFFICE LOSES 3.8 BILLION LAST YEAR, postmaster general says checks are in the mail

JOHNNY FOOTBALL SIGNS THOUSANDS OF AUTOGRAPHS FOR FREE, says he learned to love writing in freshman English class

RUSSELL SIMMONS APOLOGIZES FOR HARRIET TUBMAN SEX TAPE, no, really...

BOLIVIAN OLDEST PERSON ON EARTH, 123-year old says he has chewed coca leaf every day, can quit at any time

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The Saint-Agustine-Occam-Fried-Bacon Electronic Army claimed responsability for hacking the XOF News site, which redirected readers to a website...

I tried my damnedest to determine that acronym. Failed. Something's in there.

[Sigma_Orionis]

Lol, I didn't intend to make an acronym

[grapes]

I was partly flummoxed because I kept reading "Occam Fried" as "fried okra", dunno why. It's also possible you meant Friar Occam. I'm certain you did not mean SOFABED (Saint-Occam-Friar Augustine-Beacon Electronic Defense), although that is an attractive possibility.

@xofnews : Does anybody else confuse Friar Ockham with fried okra?

[Sigma_Orionis]

Actually, a Pretty good posibility. I just wanted to make up a name on the lines of Bach-One-Turbo Overdrive (aka Beethoven's Revenge, no relation to Bachman-Turner Overdrive though)

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OBAMA GOLFS WITH LARRY DAVID, public opinion nosedives

LOHAN CLEAN AFTER SIXTH REHAB, no drugs except for acid reflux.  Us too

EX-POPE SAYS GOD TOLD HIM TO RETIRE, will stay in convent

NSA COLLECTED THOUSANDS OF EMAILS, every last one of them was from me

INTERNET.ORG OFFERS FACEBOOK ZERO TO US CUSTOMERS, text-only services has been a hit in Africa, "we've got no time for social media," says first customer

[grapes]

XOF Science Whenever Wednesday

Ecology in action: If every US household replaced one lightbulb with an Energy Star lightbulb, we would save $2.4 billion in energy costs in four years, enough to pay for the B2 bomber that crashed in 2008. We only have twenty B2s left, we originally ordered 132 of them--surely, we should replace it? OK, we only built 21, but at one time, we thought we needed 132. That should count for something.

http://www.energystar.gov/index.cfm?fus ... gw_code=LB

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XOF SINFUL NEWS

As part of the on-going XOF re-education initiative, we have contacted Professor Candy Harhar of the University of Western Bilabong to explain the so-called Syrian situation. Her answers proved to be very informative, and, we think, surprising.

Q: Prof. Harhar, if the US attacks Syria, whose side are they on?

Professor Candy: Good question. Obama has said no one can presume that a US attack will be in support of any one side. The US will be attacking chemical weapons, not ideologies.

Q: What if the US accidentally destroys people, instead of chemical weapons?

PC: O, they will. The Syria regime has moved its troops into civilian areas already. The rebels are already embedded, of course.

Q: But, but, which religious group should we attack then?

PC: No religious group, religious groups are not the enemy.

Q: Shouldn't we be attacking Al Qaeda?

PC: Al Qaeda is an extremist offshoot of the Sunni religion started in Pakistan by Osama bin Laden. The Syrian rebels are predominantly Sunni.

Q: So, the US should be helping the Syrian regime!

PC: Uh, well, the Syrian regime is headed by Bashar al-Assad. He and his father have ruled Syria for over forty years. They are of the Alawhite religion, a sect of the Shi'a, a minority in Syria.

Q: So, the US *should* attack the rebels! Why wouldn't they help the minority regime?

PC: Hmm, the regime are the ones who have apparently used the chemical weapons against the Sunni rebels. At times, the regime has been helped by the Lebanese Hezbollah, a Shi'a militant group.

Q: Hezbollah! Yikes, we gotta kill *them*!

PC: If you have to kill someone...some reports are saying al Habib is supplying chemical weapons to the rebels. I thought the idea was to target chemical weapons?

Q: Right. How do we do that?

PC: Get rid of STEM education.

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US HOLDS OFF BOMBING SYRIA, will try Dennis Rodman first

CDC CLAIMS 2 MILLION KIDS HAVE TRIED E-CIGS, uncertain how many are e-kids

NFL SEASON BEGINS, Manning starts downward spiral

FORMER XOF PUBLISHER BLOWS SALE PROCEEDS IN ONE NIGHT, buys world's best donut, tweets "YOLO"

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XOF Breaking News

OBAMA DELAYS BOMBING SYRIA, STILL, "I hate these blurred red lines"

MCDONALDS DOLLAR MENU TO INCLUDE $5 ITEMS, well, it's not a Euro menu, is it?

NSA USES BACK DOORS

** Sign up for @xofnews twitter--the best of XOF headlines, the Dalai Lama, and Ashlee Simpson **

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XOF BAD NEWS

Things you probably didn't know you were afraid of, until now:

Swallowing pills.  Pills that don't wash down your throat but get stuck, can burn a hole in your throat, with painful consequences.  http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2033383/How-pill-water-burn-hole-throat-One-doctor-learns-hard-way-gulp-tablets.html

Pomegranates.  Hundreds of people have contracted hepatitis from eating pomegranates.
http://www.foodsafetynews.com/2013/07/131-sickened-by-hepatitis-a-outbreak-linked-to-pomegranate-seeds-in-berry-mix/
http://www.cdc.gov/hepatitis/outbreaks/2013/a1b-03-31/index.html

Dogs licking.  Pasteurella exists in most otherwise-healthy dogs' mouths, can result in pasteurellosis in humans if they have open sores.
http://www.fwis3.com/newpaint/viewtopic.php?f=22&t=33&p=5366#p5366

Cicerones.  Anyone who ever deflected a sommelier by ordering a beer will now have to face cicerones.
https://cicerone.org/

[cid]

XOF BAD NEWS

Cicerones.  Anyone who ever deflected a sommelier by ordering a beer will now have to face cicerones.
https://cicerone.org/

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem...

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XOF NEWS SNAFU

XOF News has been caught in the "digital quandary." The lack of recent XOF News updates has been blamed on the rapidly escalating version creep of the iPhone IOS. Ever since the *announcement* of the imminent release of IOS 7, the report-writing software app used by XOF News has petulantly refused to recognize any version of the IOS before 6. Unfortunately, the now-EX editor-in-chief Ned Ludd had denied all requests to upgrade from 5 to 6 because of his irrational aquaphobia, combined with version 6's move from Google Maps to Apple maps and its tendency to "disappear" entire rivers. XOF reporters are now back online, and Ned is institutionally restrained but responding well to treatment (which mostly consists of daily one-hour sessions with a version 3.0 iPad whose maps have the quaint-but-soothing topo-line feature.)

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XOF TRAVELERS ADVISORY


Despite decades of effluvient praise for the tranluctible town of Puerto Vallarta, XOF chagrinnedly must downrate it to "recommended, with reservations." A recent spate of touristy truculence has arrived over the Travelers transom, and we find ourselves in the underenviable position of having to share some of it with our readers. Unseasonable rains have made transportation unreliable, and messy. "I've been waiting here forever, I'm starving!" said one lady, "I haven't eaten since breakfast! What do they expect us to do, snack on the waitstaff? It's almost 12:30." Hotel managers were unavailable for for comment for this article, at press time.

[cid]

..chagrinnedly...

Heh...I like that. Belongs in The Hall of Double Entendres. I'm stealin' it...

[grapes]

OK but fair warning it has an expiration date that's gone a little sour...


Other XOF News:

SPAIN IS IN WRONG TIME ZONE, blamed on fascists

GOVERNMENT SHUTS DOWN SIDEWALKS, too dangerous without proper patrol and maintenance

CONGRESS ARRIVES AT COMPROMISE, Affordable Care Act to be called Cruz Care

VIDEO OF BIKER/SUV CRASH GOES VIRAL, judge outlaws bikes and SUVs, Smart Car and Fiat owners relieved

MILEY CYRUS DOES NOT LIKE COCAINE, LOVES MOLLY AND WEED, also voiced opinions on Syria and Afganistan

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XOF OMG NEWS


US GOVERNMENT SHUTS DOWN INTERSTATE HIGHWAY SYSTEM, "they're ours, not yours"

CRUZ FOR PRESIDENT ADDRESSES BIRTHER CONCERNS, so what if he was born in Canada, Obama is President

HILLARY DECIDES AGAINST PRESIDENTIAL RUN, wants to spend more time with family

ELON MUSK ANNOUNCES LATEST GREAT IDEA, PORTABLE SHOWERS, "If I can imagine it, someone else can build it"

[Swift]

ELON MUSK ANNOUNCES LATEST GREAT IDEA, PORTABLE SHOWERS, "If I can imagine it, someone else can build it"

I wish he would think of pre-sliced bread; I mean that would really be something.


I picked this smilie because I think it looks like Elon:

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XOF FOLLOW UP NEWS


SolarCity spokesperson Pendejo Goldberg issued a statement on Saturday that elaborated on a previous press release in which SolarCity founder Elon Musk had described his idea for a portable shower. "We are well aware that portable showers exist, insinuations in the blogosphere that we are not familiar with showers is beneath comment. We have plenty of fixed showers, and we have a shower-like device ready for SpaceX--that's about as portable as you can get, right? OK, showers in RVs aren't really any more "portable" than a shower in a double-wide, so maybe that doesn't count. And just hanging a bag of water in a tree does not develop the entire shower experience. In other words, what we're working on here is a re-imagining of the concept of showers. Like the Dick Tracy wrist radio that morphed into today's cell phones, what we're advocating for is the next "wrist shower". Interested innovators can view our Ted Talk presentation in November. Any questions?"