First guy: "I didn't have sex with my wife before we married, did you?"
Second guy: "I don't know, what was her maiden name?"
FWIS3
In memory of our guiding lights - Russ, Mike and Charlie - “To be a star, you must shine your own light, follow your own path, and don't worry about the darkness, for that is when the stars shine brightest”
Jokes
78 posts
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Jokes
by Swift » Wed Apr 02, 2014 2:06 pm
Never, ever forget: we did this. This is what we can do.
In wilderness is the preservation of the world. - Henry David Thoreau
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
In wilderness is the preservation of the world. - Henry David Thoreau
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
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Swift - Posts: 2353
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Re: Jokes
by Swift » Fri Apr 04, 2014 6:29 pm
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see."
She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
Never, ever forget: we did this. This is what we can do.
In wilderness is the preservation of the world. - Henry David Thoreau
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
In wilderness is the preservation of the world. - Henry David Thoreau
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
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Swift - Posts: 2353
- Joined: Wed May 29, 2013 2:40 am
- Location: At my keyboard
Re: Jokes
by brite » Fri Apr 04, 2014 7:21 pm
Believe it or not...this is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.
US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.
CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!
US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA*, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!
CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.
CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!
US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA*, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!
CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
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brite - Wild Pixie in Action
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Re: Jokes
by FZR1KG » Sat Apr 05, 2014 2:18 pm
brite wrote:Believe it or not...this is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.
US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.
CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!
US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA*, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!
CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
It's actually not a real story. Just a joke. Still funny though.
It would be really bad if it was a true story.
- FZR1KG
Re: Jokes
by brite » Sat Apr 05, 2014 4:50 pm
I know... But you have to tell it as a traditional "no shit... There I was" story.... Quit being so damned literal, and go stand in the corner with Fisher!
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brite - Wild Pixie in Action
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Re: Jokes
by brite » Sun Apr 06, 2014 3:56 am
FZR1KG wrote:We're been in the corner drinking beer. Why do you think we're like this?
And people wonder why I think that you two are twins that have been separated at birth....
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brite - Wild Pixie in Action
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Re: Jokes
by Sigma_Orionis » Sun Apr 06, 2014 3:57 am
Beer? And here I thought that Fisher was more partial to Bourbon.......
Sic Transit Gloria Mundi
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Sigma_Orionis - Resident Oppressed Latino
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Re: Jokes
by SciFiFisher » Sun Apr 06, 2014 4:17 am
Sigma_Orionis wrote:Beer? And here I thought that Fisher was more partial to Bourbon.......
Jack is my friend. Beer is more like acquaintance that I might admit knowing.
"To create more positive results in your life, replace 'if only' with 'next time'." — Author Unknown
"Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward." — Vernon Law
"Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward." — Vernon Law
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SciFiFisher - Redneck Geek
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Re: Jokes
by Swift » Fri Aug 08, 2014 1:34 pm
There are three types of people in the world:
- Those who start lists
- Those who finish....
- Those who start lists
- Those who finish....
Never, ever forget: we did this. This is what we can do.
In wilderness is the preservation of the world. - Henry David Thoreau
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
In wilderness is the preservation of the world. - Henry David Thoreau
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
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Swift - Posts: 2353
- Joined: Wed May 29, 2013 2:40 am
- Location: At my keyboard
Re: Jokes
by cid » Sun Aug 10, 2014 4:00 am
Swift wrote:There are three types of people in the world:
- Those who start lists
- Those who finish....
Heh...
Ask CM to tell you about her shirt...
Dear Algebra -- stop asking us to find your x. She's not coming back - ever. Get over it.
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cid - Database Ninja Level 1
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Re: Jokes
by code monkey » Mon Aug 11, 2014 8:40 pm
highway sign on route 80 in pennsylvania -
seatbelts required for the next million miles
seatbelts required for the next million miles
and still i persist in wondering whether folly must always be our nemesis. edgar pangborn
come gentle night. come loving black browed night
give me my romeo. and when he shall die
take him and cut him out in little stars
and he will make the face of heaven so fine
that all will be in love with night
and pay no worship to the garish sun. william shakespeare
come gentle night. come loving black browed night
give me my romeo. and when he shall die
take him and cut him out in little stars
and he will make the face of heaven so fine
that all will be in love with night
and pay no worship to the garish sun. william shakespeare
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code monkey - Posts: 1798
- Joined: Wed May 29, 2013 7:41 am
Re: Jokes
by Swift » Thu Sep 11, 2014 2:32 pm
My wife accused me of being immature.
I told her to get out of my blanket fort.
I told her to get out of my blanket fort.
Never, ever forget: we did this. This is what we can do.
In wilderness is the preservation of the world. - Henry David Thoreau
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
In wilderness is the preservation of the world. - Henry David Thoreau
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
-
Swift - Posts: 2353
- Joined: Wed May 29, 2013 2:40 am
- Location: At my keyboard
Re: Jokes
by Swift » Thu Oct 02, 2014 9:02 pm
On average, every human has one testicle and one ovary.
Never, ever forget: we did this. This is what we can do.
In wilderness is the preservation of the world. - Henry David Thoreau
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
In wilderness is the preservation of the world. - Henry David Thoreau
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
-
Swift - Posts: 2353
- Joined: Wed May 29, 2013 2:40 am
- Location: At my keyboard
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Sigma_Orionis - Resident Oppressed Latino
- Posts: 4496
- Joined: Mon May 27, 2013 2:19 am
- Location: The "Glorious Socialist" Land of Chavez
Re: Jokes
by Swift » Wed Oct 08, 2014 1:37 pm
geonuc wrote:Saw this one on twitter:
How many Nobel laureate physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, apparently.
Never, ever forget: we did this. This is what we can do.
In wilderness is the preservation of the world. - Henry David Thoreau
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
In wilderness is the preservation of the world. - Henry David Thoreau
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
-
Swift - Posts: 2353
- Joined: Wed May 29, 2013 2:40 am
- Location: At my keyboard
Re: Jokes
by gethen » Thu Oct 09, 2014 2:00 am
What's the difference between a geologist and a pigeon?
The pigeon can usually manage to make a deposit on a new car.
Told to me by a professional geologist. He also explained what a a monocline is. Interesting guy.
The pigeon can usually manage to make a deposit on a new car.
Told to me by a professional geologist. He also explained what a a monocline is. Interesting guy.
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gethen - Posts: 186
- Joined: Wed May 29, 2013 12:30 am
Re: Jokes
by Swift » Tue Dec 30, 2014 3:24 pm
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a MiCrohn'sian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans... walk into a fine restaurant.
"I'm sorry" says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group. "But you can't come in here without a Thai".
"I'm sorry" says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group. "But you can't come in here without a Thai".
Never, ever forget: we did this. This is what we can do.
In wilderness is the preservation of the world. - Henry David Thoreau
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
In wilderness is the preservation of the world. - Henry David Thoreau
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
-
Swift - Posts: 2353
- Joined: Wed May 29, 2013 2:40 am
- Location: At my keyboard
Re: Jokes
by Loresinger » Tue Dec 30, 2014 4:21 pm
that is just terrible
Dance in your kitchen; play with your food
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Loresinger - Mistress of the Ink
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Sigma_Orionis - Resident Oppressed Latino
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Re: Jokes
by SciFiFisher » Wed Dec 31, 2014 5:17 am
Loresinger wrote:that is just terrible
says the woman who started a pun fest on Facebook.
"To create more positive results in your life, replace 'if only' with 'next time'." — Author Unknown
"Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward." — Vernon Law
"Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward." — Vernon Law
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SciFiFisher - Redneck Geek
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Re: Jokes
by code monkey » Wed Dec 31, 2014 9:54 pm
SciFiFisher wrote:Loresinger wrote:that is just terrible
says the woman who started a pun fest on Facebook.
who would know better?
and still i persist in wondering whether folly must always be our nemesis. edgar pangborn
come gentle night. come loving black browed night
give me my romeo. and when he shall die
take him and cut him out in little stars
and he will make the face of heaven so fine
that all will be in love with night
and pay no worship to the garish sun. william shakespeare
come gentle night. come loving black browed night
give me my romeo. and when he shall die
take him and cut him out in little stars
and he will make the face of heaven so fine
that all will be in love with night
and pay no worship to the garish sun. william shakespeare
-
code monkey - Posts: 1798
- Joined: Wed May 29, 2013 7:41 am
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