XOF News

[Swift]

XOF Read and Blew


Colorado officials, reacting to their state's newly-claimed status as the state with the highest incidence of non-vaccinated school children, have instituted a waiting period for parents to opt out of the vaccination sequence. As one official explained, "Before, parents could just check the box that said they objected to vaccination on a religious, moral or philosophical basis, and that'd be it. Now, they have to wait 72 hours before they can sign the form, and they have to watch a video of what happens to children suffering from advanced complications due to measles. And, they have to listen to a lecture on basic epidemiology." From Hollywood, 31 actors and actresses have committed to traveling to the state to speak out against the waiting period, but only four will be able to make it before ski season. The national Libertarian Party reacted with aghast, but said their registration numbers in Colorado are sky-rocketing, although that could just be the drugs and people are mis-marking the registration forms.

Woo... dude, that is like ... uh... like so wrong man. No really, like why are people so up-tight about all this vaccine stuff. Just chill.

Hey... are you going to eat those Oreos?

[grapes]

XOF Salvacation Infomercial


XOF is excited to announce a new travel product that is perfect for everyone from millennials to baby boomers! We call it the Salvacation--a combination of Salvation and Vacation. No, you won't have to go to the Vatican for your Salvacation, but you could! Imagine spending seven gorgeous nights in the sumptuous Piazza di Suave, relaxing and recovering from your daytime sack cloth and ashes, self-flagellation and prostration before the holy man himself (yes, he's been known to hit the streets!) Or, think about the tremendous view from atop the new Tibetan Hilton Stupa, while you meditate and reflect on shimmering images of your life. We have 36 unique and rewarding Salvacation packages geared to your age and lifestyle, check us out at our website right now!

[grapes]

XOF Transmissions


The Army and recently the Air Force have changed their policies on gender dysphoria. When asked whether they were at all influenced by the news of Caitlin Jenner, an anonymous spokesperson said shit. When we contacted Caitlin for a comment, ze said, "Who's the hero now, bitches?"

[grapes]

XOF Weekend Sports Date


American Pharoah takes to the longer distance Belmont Stakes this weekend in an attempt to become the first Triple Crown winner in 37 years. Five of the seven horses running against him also ran against him in the Kentucky Derby five weeks ago, but while American Pharoah ran the Preakness three weeks ago, they rested. The other two horses did not run in the Derby. "Cowards, all of them", said an anonymous owner, signifying his frustration with the unfairness of the system, and quoting a recent Hillary Clinton remark.

Qatar is defending its purchase of the 2022 World Cup from FIFA, and some FIFA officials are agreeing with that position. "They were made an attractive offer, and they accepted, and they paid the price. It would be unfair for the rules to be changed now. What if they changed the offsides rule in the middle of the season? Who'd notice that? " said Tim Roth, playing the part of FIFA (resigning) President Sepp Blatter in the movie United Passions. Tim Roth also said, as his character Pumpkin in Pulp Fiction, "Garçon! Coffee!"

John Calipari, head basketball coach at the University of Kentucky, is looking for a new NBA team. He was very disappointed in his last one, so he sent them all packing to other NBA teams. His publicity agent shared a comment from him with XOF: "I might've kept some of them around a little longer, if they had won the National Championship, but it's time to move on."

[Swift]

American Pharoah takes to the longer distance Belmont Stakes this weekend in an attempt to become the first Triple Crown winner in 37 years. Five of the seven horses running against him also ran against him in the Kentucky Derby five weeks ago, but while American Pharoah ran the Preakness three weeks ago, they rested. The other two horses did not run in the Derby. "Cowards, all of them", said an anonymous owner, signifying his frustration with the unfairness of the system, and quoting a recent Hillary Clinton remark.

American Pharoah, after his winning of the Triple Crown, can look forward to a long life of being paid to have sex four times a day.

Poor horsie.

That must be what they mean about "Walk like an Egyptian".

[grapes]

XOF I can't help it, I have to post this


http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/worl ... /71109546/

The travelers, also charged with making a lot of noise on the mountain and publicly urinating in a nearby pond, were subsequently blamed for starting an earthquake that killed 18 people.

[Sigma_Orionis]

[grapes]

XOF First Name Basis



HILLARY SAYS SHE IS TRANS-POLITICAL, "I'm not so much Clintonian, as FDRish, maybe a little Eleanoric"

LEBRON PROMISES CLEVELAND HIS HEART, on a platter, courtside, bloody

TAYLOR'S NEW SONG NOT ABOUT EX, it's about why

PEYTON PROMISES CHAMPIONSHIP TO ELWAY, "just buy me one more year"

[grapes]

XOF MATH FOR THE MASSES


Our Friend, Two, the loneliest number since the number one

To find out how many years it will take to double your investment at a yearly interest rate, just divide 70 by the interest rate.[sup]1[/sup]

If you're laying tile diagonally, 17/12 is a good approximation to the square root of two, it's only off by less than a fifth of a per cent. So, 12 tile diagonally is very close to 17 by edge.[sup]2[/sup]

Two raised to the tenth power is very close to ten raised to the third power. Often an approximation for a kilobyte, since computers are based in binary. [sup]3[/sup]

1. The formula for doubling is just: Principle x (1+Int/12)^(12Y)=2 x Principle. Divide both sides by Principle, take the logarithm of both sides, and use the first term of the Taylor expansion for log(1+x), which is x-x^2/2+x^3/3-x^4/4+..., and you get Y = log(2)/Int. That's natural log, bitches, so it's Y = .693 /Int. If you want to express the interest as whole percentage points, multiply top and bottom by 100. Round up to 70.

2. The continued fraction for the square root of two is 1+(1/(2+1/(2+1/(2+1/(2+1/(2+1/...)))))), where the approximation gets better as it goes out: 1/1, 2/1, 3/2, 4/3, 7/5, 10/7, 17/12, 24/17,... The 17/12 is handy when you are working with inches and feet, but also in music. In our twelve-tone octave western system of music, it means that 5 tones past 12 is going to be a harmonic of the base frequency, and (see the next fraction) it's going to have the same relationship to 24, the next octave. That's why we call it a major fifth, it's the fifth tone past the octave. Rock and roll.

3. Don't get me started, I gotta fix up the shit I laid down in the last footnote. Ahhh, hell, forget about it, who needs math anyway? Ain't you got an app for that?

[grapes]

XOF 2020



Stehan Mayan today was awarded the Starbucks Pulitzer Memorial Prize in Economics for his innovative use of rhyme and alliteration in devising the successful internet scam that he called Sam I Am. The citation praises Mr. Mayan for his faithful homage to the rhyming schemes of the past, like "Pump and Dump," and "Short and Distort." His approach was to mimic government announcements, in ingenious and sometimes delightful ways, that encouraged participation by even the most sophisticated investors. Memorial laureates are eligible for a one-time cash payment of 300,000 Sudanese pounds, after their term is served.

[grapes]

XOF NEWS



HILLARY DEFENDS AGAINST HAIR STYLE CRITICISM, "Wtf, this is politics, not coiffure! Besides, mine trumps anything the Republicans have"

CLEVELAND CURSE CONTINUES, LeBron will stay on Cavaliers next season

HOUSTON FLOODING, CALIFORNIA IN DROUGHT, plan in place to move Texans to LA to provide "balance"

MELISSA MACARTHY FRONT-RUNNER FOR BEST ACTOR EMMY, I mean, if she wants to

[SciFiFisher]

XOF NEWS



HILLARY DEFENDS AGAINST HAIR STYLE CRITICISM, "Wtf, this is politics, not coiffure! Besides, mine trumps anything the Republicans have"

Trumps.... he he. I see what you did there.

[grapes]

XOF *Snort*



Two, again (the curse of exponential growth)

When you get to be 1 year old, you're just starting to talk, to walk. Then, doubling that, you're two and unless you're Einstein, you're talking up a storm and getting into everything, and letting the world know that it's yours. Double that and at four, you've discovered reading, and memories are getting permanent. At eight, the world is a magical place, full of promise and friends. Sixteen, well, maybe...you might have grown into your body, maybe your mind, and some societies consider you an adult. Boom, 32, and what's happening? You got kids, responsibilities, aging, losing what you might've had. Then comes 64, and it may be over for some of you, some of you have another half coming, at greatly reduced capacity.

[grapes]

XOF Kids These Days



BLANKET JACKSON CHANGES NAME TO BIGI, was bullied, didn't want Michael Jackson, Jr. either

RUMAR WILLIS HAS PLASTIC SURGERY, mom Demi shocked, just shocked

SHILOH JOLIE-PITT SUES FOR EMANCIPATION, "I'm eight years old, screw you if you have a prob"

OBAMA GIRL JUST WANTS TO HAVE FUN, says mother Marian always kept her on short leash

[Sigma_Orionis]

Look what Obama girl did to her Old Man

[grapes]

XOF This Week's Specials



SMALL EUROPEAN COUNTRY, ONLY €200 BILLION, was model for democracy, but not seriously

WHITE INTEGRITY, slightly used, available for a song

YOU CAN OWN AMERICA'S RIFLE, THE AR-15, (civilian model, no 3-round burst or automatic mode, sorry), one small payment, no experience necessary

JOE BIDEN LAUGH TRACK, on your phone or answering machine! for a small donation to the 2016 campaign

[grapes]

XOF reports


On Monday, US Democrats will change their name to the "Are You Ready To" party. Focus groups around the country favored the name over a short list of alternatives, which included "Tomorrow-nauts" and "Shagadelics". "We couldn't in good conscience keep the name, because of its long association with carpetbaggers and demagoguery. Sometimes you just have to leave the old symbols behind, and embrace the new." A twitter poll to chose the new party mascot will also open on Monday, choices are a koala, a panda, a gerbil, and Hank Williams, Sr. Republicans are already referring to the new party name as RUR 2

[Swift]

XOF News - Outer Solar System

Pluto - 14 July 2015
Pluto's Prime Minister, Xf7 Zimplo, told reporters at the Summer Palace, that he was deeply offended by the latest insult of the Earthians. "They spend almost 4% of a year just to come visit us and they don't have the decency to stop by at least for a minute for a cup of coffee and a nosh. And look, Mrs. Zimplo made cookies. Fine by you. At least those nice Neptunians cross paths with us once in a while."

[grapes]

XOF QUOTATABLES



"And I like people who aren't stupid." -- Senator John McCain

"You're still sorry you named it Obamacare, ain't cha?" -- President Barack Obama

"Fuck y'all." -- Tiger Woods, 254th ranked player in the world

"I'd fuck Bernie." -- Hillary Clinton, on what she'd do to become president.

"Ewww." -- Bernie Sanders, career politician, a looong career

[grapes]

XOF CHOKES ON THE NEWS



Administrators in Southampton MS admitted that there was something wrong with the police procedures that resulted in a Memphis, Mississippi, man dying while hogtied in custody. "One of the things we're looking at is the upper limit on IQ that we've used during police recruit screening in the past. The reasoning had been just that we didn't want to waste county resources on hiring and training persons of high IQ since they would naturally be bored and soon move onto another job. So, as of tomorrow, we're lowering that limit ten points further. We feel that this will insure that recruits are more trainable and less apt to think for themselves. We call this 'minionizing,' and we're certain that it will eliminate these problems in the future going forward."

[grapes]

XOF Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes



Recognizing the perfidious association of the name Smith with the segregationist Howard W. Smith, all people in the US with the surname Smith are changing their names to Smote. Said 12-year old Sammie Smith, "Smote sounds cooler too."

Cheyenne WY is changing its name for obvious reasons. As of July 1, 2016, it will be known as Dodge, after the general who first surveyed the place in 1867. The largest municipality in Wyoming, it is still not a city, so it will be known as Dodge Town and avoid confusion with the famous western town of Dodge City, KS, even though the latter is even smaller.

The name of the French Broad River, which is in North Carolina and Tennessee, will be changed to the Madame River (pronounced "ma-DAM" and not "MAD em"). Discussions about the name of the nearby Broad River (which used to be known as the English Broad River) are on-going. One of the people objecting to the name change, Dick Short, said "Sometimes words can mean two different things!"

[Sigma_Orionis]

Banana Republican throws his (Carmen Miranda) Hat into the ring (XOF "No Shit! I was there!" Desk)

Today, Venezuela's Nicolas Maduro (aka Nicky Ripe) announced his intention of running for the Republican Nomination in the US 2016 Election

"I don't care if they say that my nomination is illegal, we Latino Banana Republicans don't need no steenkeen laws and regulations, just ask Donald Trump" he was quoted as saying.

"Besides", he said: "if the US Republican Party wants to show they can behave like Banana Republic Politicians, why not hire a Professional?"

He highlighted his experience in (mis)handling the Economy and Politics of a small Latin American country, with the size and population of the NY Tri-State area that also has insecurity problems the size of a Class O star, as proof that he has the chops to be president of the US "Hey, I routinely confuse Puerto Rico with Cuba", he said "I am better at it than Dick Chenney".

Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio were unavailable for comment, an unidentified congressional aide was quoted as saying "they're seriously thinking of changing their names to Heckle and Jeckle, their only disagreement is who's going to be Jeckle"

Note from the Editorial Board: Damned Copy Boy screwed up again. This was the last straw, the damned idiot was sent to Chavista Remedial Training.

[grapes]

http://www.politics1.com/p2016.htm

Two dozen candidates. Wow, if they ever organized, they could run this country.

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XOF PREP


Recent articles on the XOF features page related to prepperation:
1. (23 July 2011) Crafting A Manifesto: How To Avoid Attracting the TLAs
2. (6 Nov 2011) Can Gray Water Be Yellow? What To Do About Water
3. (17 Mar 2012) Deciding Who Gets Invites To Your Bunker, What If Your In-laws Are Idiots
4. (4 July 2012) Take Our Preparedness Quiz: How Many Essential Items Have You Missed?
5. (31 Mar (2013) Which Codewords Work? Avoiding Delicate Issues Later
6. (15 Sep 2013) Do You Have What It Takes To Shoot Your Neighbor?
7. (2 Jan 2014) Recognizing Cannibalism Before It Creates A Problem
8. (24 Aug 2014) Ten Books Besides Atlas Shrugged Necessary To Recreate Society
9. (22 Mar 2015) Tomorrow's Money: Gold, Tobacco, Or Beef Jerky?

[Sigma_Orionis]

10. (22 AUg 2014) What to do when you discover that your favorite "preparedness" website also sells precious metals.