XOF News

[Swift]

My favorite preparation.

[Sigma_Orionis]

Do they sell gold too?

[grapes]

XOF First Spouse



XOF interviewed former President and Commander In Chief Bill Clinton. We asked him how he felt about a possible return to the White House. "Well, heheh, some of my fondest memories came in the White House. I'm very excited about the possibilities--I'm not getting any younger, but they are! Yes, Hillary's going to be very busy, I'll probably have a lot of time on my hands. Maybe I'll redecorate some of the bedrooms. You know, the White House kitchen is awesome, I'll bet I gain twenty pounds again. Teddy Roosevelt said that the White House was a bully pulpit, walk softly and carry a big stick. Heheh, you know what a bully stick is? Nevermind. What was I talking about, o yeah, I'll use that bully pulpit to work on my passion, which was... you know, my passion."

[grapes]

XOF FDA



The US Food and Drug Administration announced tough new rules today in its on-going campaign against smoking. They are recommending that communities also ban the depiction of smoking in public areas. While agreeing that advertising and pop imagery can provide a strong impetus to smoke, some people think the rules go too far. "What? Now I can't even hold an unlit cigarette? What if I took a toothpick and painted it white? What if I painted it brown, and it looked like some of those european cigarettes? Would they shoot me if I didn't take it out of my mouth?" An unnamed source within the FDA, when presented with these questions, said "Yes."

[grapes]

XOF NEWS WITH A FUSE



DEMOCRATS SAY TRUMP CANDIDACY IS VALID, only candidate that can get Hillary elected

KIDS REPORT ON APPLE WATCH, it's just what we needed to look like our parents

JON STEWART RETIRES, going back to being Jon Stuart Leibowitz

SASQUATCH SIGHTED IN WESTERN NORTH CAROLINA, said to be visiting relatives

PRESIDENT TO VACATION THREE WEEKS ON MARTHA'S VINEYARD, rest of country can take a break

GET READY FOR BARNARD'S STAR FLYBY, approaching at .0003 light years per year

[Thumper]

XOF NEWS WITH A FUSE

GET READY FOR BARNARD'S STAR FLYBY, approaching at .0003 light years per year

[grapes]

XOF, the Zombiest



TRUMP BUILDING VOTER BASE IN ALABAMA, deep southern strategy has its detractors though

NEW iPHONE 6C CAPABLE OF SURVIVING FALL FROM 35,000 FEET, imagine that

ASHLEY MADISON WEBSITE OFFERING BOGO, enticing users back in

REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES REACH OUT TO YOUNGER VOTERS, next debate will be MMA format

PLANNED PARENTHOOD CONSIDERING REVISING ABORTION POLICY, "should be an option before 40th trimester"

JARED SUING SUBWAY, says sandwiches "changed" him

[Swift]

JARED SUING SUBWAY, says sandwiches "changed" him

[Swift]

[Thumper]

Ouch, Man.

[grapes]

XOF HARD NEWS TO SWALLOW



O-GAP WIDENS, statistics from new orgasm app O-U show 73% gender disparity

TONY BLAIR APOLOGIZES FOR IRAQ WAR, hopes to soothe ISIS misgivings

ROBIN THICKE PLAGIARISM APPEAL, everything said for past five years should be disallowed, he was high

BABY BOOMERS INSISTING ON GERIATRIC RIGHTS, diapers fundamental to human dignity

HILLARY'S FAVORITE LUNCH TIME SNACK: benghazigaters

[grapes]

XOF NEWS FLASH


COURT FINDS IMMIGRATION LAWS ARE RACIST

STUDY: NAME GIVEN AT BIRTH AFFECTS REST OF YOUR LIFE

DOD CLASSIFIED PROBE SAYS FEMALE MARINES LESS LETHAL

SPORTS: ROYALS LEAD SERIES 3-1, PROBABLY FAVORED OVER METS

HILLARY REALLY WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT

[grapes]

XOF POTUS WATCH



LARRY DAVID RUNS FOR PRESIDENT, says "fuck Colbert"

BEN CARSON FAILED PERCEPTIONS 101, BUT IT WAS FAKE, and he got ten dollars for it

HILLARY FUMING OVER TRUMP'S SNL RATINGS, in negotiations to guest on Game of Thrones

JEB BUSH DECIDES JUST TO KEEP TO FLORIDA AND STAY OUT OF IT, like Biden except not as funny

SCHWARZENEGGER, OBAMA, PUSH FOR CONSTITUTIONAL CONVENTION, Arnold: you know what my name means in German?

[grapes]

XOF STICKS NECK OUT, HITS THE QUAN



TIGER WOODS ADVERTISES FOR NEW INDENTURED CADDIE

LARRY SANDERS CLAIMS TO BE BERNIE'S ILLEGITIMATE HEIR

POLL: MOST COMMON BABY NAME IN USA IS DIGBY, BOTH GENDERS

[Sigma_Orionis]

[grapes]

XOF CHEAP LAUGHS



TAYLOR SWIFT SUED BY ERICH SEGAL ESTATE, SONG "LOVE STORY," also, Ryan O'Neal and Ali McGraw say characters Romeo and Juliet are based on them

DRONE STRIKE CALLED IN ON 1602 PENNSYLVANIA AVE, wasn't in no-hit database, commander in Kunduz cut-and-pasted

MICHELLE OBAMA GOING TO MISS WHITE HOUSE, "we have not explored all of it, even Biden has had sex in the Lincoln bedroom and we haven't"

[grapes]

XOF AFTERMATH



INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE AFFECTED BY PARIS BOMBINGS, excerpts:
"my cousin tried to go up the Eiffel tower in 1997, but the lines were too long."
"my mom said she tried to get into the Louvre, but the lines were too long"
"my best friend wanted to go to that concert, but her parents wouldn't let her."

INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE AFFECTED BY BEIRUT BOMBINGS, excerpts:
"Beirut is in Lebanon, right?"
"Beirut is in Syria, right?"
"Beirut is where they killed that embassy, right? Or was that Benghazi?"

[grapes]

XOF T'ED OFF



List of upcoming T'ED TOX:

EDDIE MURPHY: WHY I COULDN'T MAKE IT TODAY, my most famous skit would not be funny

MR. ROGERS: WHY I COULDN'T MAKE IT TODAY, irregardless of the post mortem limitations

DONALD TRUMP: LET'S ALL GET FIRED UP, or you-know-what

DICK CHENEY: EVERYONE VOTE FOR LIZ IN WYOMING, it's a state, she's runni...nevermind

MICHAEL JORDAN: WHY THE CONSTITUTION COULD NOT BE WRITTEN TODAY, who else will say it?

[grapes]

XOF SPORTS



RONDA ROUSEY CHALLENGES TRUMP TO GO JUST ONE ROUND, The Donald immediately gets nosebleed

PEYTON MANNING ENJOYING RETIREMENT, says past two months have been relaxing

RUSSIANS WILL NOT BOYCOTT RIO OLYMPICS, agree to leave dope at home

NCAA FOOTBALL NUMBER ONE CLEMSON HAS JUST ONE GOAL, making sure everyone pronounces it CLEMP-son

[grapes]

XOF PRIVILEGED COMMUNICATION



We've reformed. We only listen to corrected lyrics

Pretty Woman, by Roy Orbison

Pretty woman don't walk on by
Pretty woman don't make me cry
Pretty woman don't walk away, hey, OK
If that's the way it must be, OK
I guess I'll go on home, it's late
There'll be tomorrow night, but wait
What do I see?
Is she walkin' back to me?
No, that's the police, I should flee-e-ee-e


I Wanna Hold Your Hand, by the Beatles

You'll let me hold your hand
I'll let me hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
And when I touch you I feel happy
Inside
It's such a feeling that my love
I can't hide
I better hide
I better run, ouch, damn! Stop!


Shake It Off, by Taylor Swift

I stay out too late
Got millions in the bank
That's what people say, mmm-mmm
That's what people say, mmm-mmm

[Sigma_Orionis]

XOF SPORTS



RONDA ROUSEY CHALLENGES TRUMP TO GO JUST ONE ROUND, The Donald immediately gets nosebleed

Yeah I bet the Donald got nosebleed all right

[grapes]

XOF TECH SAWS




US FALLS TO 28th ON WORLD MOST EQUAL LIST, Alice Walton: "we're doing better than average!"

ROANOKE VA MAYOR DAVID BOWER WAXING NOSTALGIC, bringing back the forties with an oriental slant

BILL GATES WANTS THE FUTURE NOW! "Where's my 1) floating car, 2) hoverboard, 3) skynet??"

JARED FOGLE SENTENCED TO FIFTEEN YEARS, expects to gain freshman fifteen in career move

RANGE ROVER CONVERTIBLE DEBUTS, lions love new easy-open packaging

[grapes]

XOF KEEPING TRACK OF THE PLAYERS


Boko Haram in Nigeria has announced an alliance with ISIS (or, as they like to be called now that they've reached puberty, just IS). Far from being a little outpost terrorist-wannabe, however, they would like to be considered an equal partner in this holy marriage, so they're looking for a new and inclusive acronym. They definitely want to put the embarassment of "Daesh" behind them, that was a failed Arab acronym (is there such a thing?) that was foisted upon them by their now-fired French ad agency C'est la Vie. So, XOF is predicting (you heard it here first) that the new acronym by which the elite of world terror, this new savage supergroup, will be known, will be ISBN. You can make book on it (that's a play on "boko" see? it means "book").

Hmmm, news item:
http://www.ktvq.com/story/30559419/denv ... vandalized

"Or if it was an ignorant person who actually thought this was a bookstore for terrorists, I don't know."

Isis Books & Gifts takes its name from the Egyptian goddess of childbirth and healing.

Sooo, a change to "ISBN" is not going to help that bookstore much, will it?

[Thumper]

Booyah!

[Sigma_Orionis]

BILL GATES WANTS THE FUTURE NOW! "Where's my 1) floating car, 2) hoverboard, 3) skynet??"

Hey, I'm all for Skynet running on Windows, it will too busy installing service packs to bother with Armageddon