A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough!!
FWIS3
In memory of our guiding lights - Russ, Mike and Charlie - “To be a star, you must shine your own light, follow your own path, and don't worry about the darkness, for that is when the stars shine brightest”
Jokes
78 posts
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Re: Jokes
by Swift » Fri Aug 28, 2015 5:30 pm
Never, ever forget: we did this. This is what we can do.
In wilderness is the preservation of the world. - Henry David Thoreau
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
In wilderness is the preservation of the world. - Henry David Thoreau
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
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Swift - Posts: 2353
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Sigma_Orionis - Resident Oppressed Latino
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Re: Jokes
by SciFi Chick » Fri Oct 09, 2015 2:01 pm
vendic wrote:Donald Trump.
Probably should have clarified and named this thread funny jokes.
"Do not speak badly of yourself, for the warrior that is inside you hears your words and is lessened by them." -David Gemmel
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SciFi Chick - Information Goddess
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Re: Jokes
by Swift » Fri Oct 09, 2015 6:25 pm
vendic wrote:Donald Trump.
Like Dilbert, it would be a lot funnier if it wasn't true.
Never, ever forget: we did this. This is what we can do.
In wilderness is the preservation of the world. - Henry David Thoreau
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
In wilderness is the preservation of the world. - Henry David Thoreau
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
-
Swift - Posts: 2353
- Joined: Wed May 29, 2013 2:40 am
- Location: At my keyboard
Re: Jokes
by code monkey » Sat Oct 10, 2015 1:43 am
donald trump is no laughing matter. nor are his poll numbers.
and still i persist in wondering whether folly must always be our nemesis. edgar pangborn
come gentle night. come loving black browed night
give me my romeo. and when he shall die
take him and cut him out in little stars
and he will make the face of heaven so fine
that all will be in love with night
and pay no worship to the garish sun. william shakespeare
come gentle night. come loving black browed night
give me my romeo. and when he shall die
take him and cut him out in little stars
and he will make the face of heaven so fine
that all will be in love with night
and pay no worship to the garish sun. william shakespeare
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code monkey - Posts: 1798
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Re: Jokes
by SciFiFisher » Sun Oct 11, 2015 3:07 am
code monkey wrote:donald trump is no laughing matter. nor are his poll numbers.
They are going down. But, I am surprised no one has mentioned how funny it is that he hired a columbian woman to shill for him.
"To create more positive results in your life, replace 'if only' with 'next time'." — Author Unknown
"Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward." — Vernon Law
"Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward." — Vernon Law
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SciFiFisher - Redneck Geek
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Re: Jokes
by SciFi Chick » Tue Oct 13, 2015 4:19 am
vendic wrote:Can we never again use the words, Trump, and, going down, in the same post. Thankyou.
I had plans for you this evening, but this imagery has ruined them. *shudder*
"Do not speak badly of yourself, for the warrior that is inside you hears your words and is lessened by them." -David Gemmel
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SciFi Chick - Information Goddess
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Re: Jokes
by brite » Wed Oct 14, 2015 3:48 pm
It's like a dick... only smaller!SciFi Chick wrote:vendic wrote:Can we never again use the words, Trump, and, going down, in the same post. Thankyou.
I had plans for you this evening, but this imagery has ruined them. *shudder*
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brite - Wild Pixie in Action
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Re: Jokes
by Sigma_Orionis » Wed Oct 14, 2015 3:56 pm
Which is quite amazing considering how much hot air the name Trump evokes......
Sic Transit Gloria Mundi
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Sigma_Orionis - Resident Oppressed Latino
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Re: Jokes
by Swift » Wed Jan 13, 2016 9:03 pm
National Geographic photo of a cougar sleeping in a tree
The sad part... that cougar is probably younger than me.
The sad part... that cougar is probably younger than me.
Never, ever forget: we did this. This is what we can do.
In wilderness is the preservation of the world. - Henry David Thoreau
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
In wilderness is the preservation of the world. - Henry David Thoreau
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
-
Swift - Posts: 2353
- Joined: Wed May 29, 2013 2:40 am
- Location: At my keyboard
Re: Jokes
by Sigma_Orionis » Wed Jan 13, 2016 10:15 pm
Dude, ANY Cougar is younger than a Dirty Old Man
Sic Transit Gloria Mundi
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Sigma_Orionis - Resident Oppressed Latino
- Posts: 4496
- Joined: Mon May 27, 2013 2:19 am
- Location: The "Glorious Socialist" Land of Chavez
Re: Jokes
by Swift » Fri Mar 11, 2016 9:13 pm
In an effort to attract the fried chicken vote, Bernie joined the Vermont National Guard and given his leadership skills has quickly risen through the ranks. He was recently promoted from the rank of Major.
He is now Colonel Sanders.
He is now Colonel Sanders.
Never, ever forget: we did this. This is what we can do.
In wilderness is the preservation of the world. - Henry David Thoreau
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
In wilderness is the preservation of the world. - Henry David Thoreau
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
-
Swift - Posts: 2353
- Joined: Wed May 29, 2013 2:40 am
- Location: At my keyboard
Re: Jokes
by SciFi Chick » Sat Mar 12, 2016 8:40 pm
vendic wrote:GOP.
This is the humor thread, not the horror one.
"Do not speak badly of yourself, for the warrior that is inside you hears your words and is lessened by them." -David Gemmel
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SciFi Chick - Information Goddess
- Posts: 3240
- Joined: Mon May 27, 2013 4:04 pm
Re: Jokes
by SciFiFisher » Sun Mar 13, 2016 4:09 am
Product Warnings for Physicists
Warning: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to the distance between them.
Handle With Extreme Care: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.
Caution: This product contains minute electrically charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles per hour.
Consumer Notice: Due to the Uncertainty Principle, it is impossible for the consumer to find out at the same time both precisely where this product is and how fast it is moving.
Advisory: There is an extremely small but nonzero chance that, through a process known as tunneling, this product may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe, including your neighbor's domicile. The manufacturer will not be responsible for any damages or inconvenience that may result.
Read This Before Opening Package: According to certain suggested versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the primary particles constituting this product may decay to nothingness within the next four hundred million years.
This Is a 100% Matter Product: In the unlikely event that this merchandise should contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion will result.
Public Notice as Required by Law: Any use of this product, in any manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe. although no liability is implied herein, the consumer is warned that this process will ultimately lead to the heat death of the universe.
Note: The most fundamental particles in this product are held together by a "gluing" force about which little is currently known and whose adhesive power can therefore not be permanently guaranteed.
Attention: Despite any other listing of product contents found hereon, the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this product consists of 99.9999999999% empty space.
Please Note: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when the consumer is not directly observing this product, it may cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state.
Component Equivalency Notice: The subatomic particles (electrons, protons, etc.) comprising this product are exactly the same in every measurable respect as those used in the products of other manufacturers, and no claim to the contrary may legitimately be expressed or implied.
Health Warning: Care should be taken when lifting this product, since its weight is dependent on its velocity relative to the user.
Important Notice to Purchasers: The entire physical universe, including this product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed.
(Gently borrowed this one from Product Warnings for Physicists
Warning: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to the distance between them.
Handle With Extreme Care: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.
Caution: This product contains minute electrically charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles per hour.
Consumer Notice: Due to the Uncertainty Principle, it is impossible for the consumer to find out at the same time both precisely where this product is and how fast it is moving.
Advisory: There is an extremely small but nonzero chance that, through a process known as tunneling, this product may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe, including your neighbor's domicile. The manufacturer will not be responsible for any damages or inconvenience that may result.
Read This Before Opening Package: According to certain suggested versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the primary particles constituting this product may decay to nothingness within the next four hundred million years.
This Is a 100% Matter Product: In the unlikely event that this merchandise should contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion will result.
Public Notice as Required by Law: Any use of this product, in any manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe. although no liability is implied herein, the consumer is warned that this process will ultimately lead to the heat death of the universe.
Note: The most fundamental particles in this product are held together by a "gluing" force about which little is currently known and whose adhesive power can therefore not be permanently guaranteed.
Attention: Despite any other listing of product contents found hereon, the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this product consists of 99.9999999999% empty space.
Please Note: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when the consumer is not directly observing this product, it may cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state.
Component Equivalency Notice: The subatomic particles (electrons, protons, etc.) comprising this product are exactly the same in every measurable respect as those used in the products of other manufacturers, and no claim to the contrary may legitimately be expressed or implied.
Health Warning: Care should be taken when lifting this product, since its weight is dependent on its velocity relative to the user.
Important Notice to Purchasers: The entire physical universe, including this product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed.
(Gently borrowed from http://www.jumbojoke.com/product_warnin ... cists.html)
Warning: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to the distance between them.
Handle With Extreme Care: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.
Caution: This product contains minute electrically charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles per hour.
Consumer Notice: Due to the Uncertainty Principle, it is impossible for the consumer to find out at the same time both precisely where this product is and how fast it is moving.
Advisory: There is an extremely small but nonzero chance that, through a process known as tunneling, this product may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe, including your neighbor's domicile. The manufacturer will not be responsible for any damages or inconvenience that may result.
Read This Before Opening Package: According to certain suggested versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the primary particles constituting this product may decay to nothingness within the next four hundred million years.
This Is a 100% Matter Product: In the unlikely event that this merchandise should contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion will result.
Public Notice as Required by Law: Any use of this product, in any manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe. although no liability is implied herein, the consumer is warned that this process will ultimately lead to the heat death of the universe.
Note: The most fundamental particles in this product are held together by a "gluing" force about which little is currently known and whose adhesive power can therefore not be permanently guaranteed.
Attention: Despite any other listing of product contents found hereon, the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this product consists of 99.9999999999% empty space.
Please Note: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when the consumer is not directly observing this product, it may cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state.
Component Equivalency Notice: The subatomic particles (electrons, protons, etc.) comprising this product are exactly the same in every measurable respect as those used in the products of other manufacturers, and no claim to the contrary may legitimately be expressed or implied.
Health Warning: Care should be taken when lifting this product, since its weight is dependent on its velocity relative to the user.
Important Notice to Purchasers: The entire physical universe, including this product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed.
(Gently borrowed this one from Product Warnings for Physicists
Warning: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to the distance between them.
Handle With Extreme Care: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.
Caution: This product contains minute electrically charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles per hour.
Consumer Notice: Due to the Uncertainty Principle, it is impossible for the consumer to find out at the same time both precisely where this product is and how fast it is moving.
Advisory: There is an extremely small but nonzero chance that, through a process known as tunneling, this product may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe, including your neighbor's domicile. The manufacturer will not be responsible for any damages or inconvenience that may result.
Read This Before Opening Package: According to certain suggested versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the primary particles constituting this product may decay to nothingness within the next four hundred million years.
This Is a 100% Matter Product: In the unlikely event that this merchandise should contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion will result.
Public Notice as Required by Law: Any use of this product, in any manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe. although no liability is implied herein, the consumer is warned that this process will ultimately lead to the heat death of the universe.
Note: The most fundamental particles in this product are held together by a "gluing" force about which little is currently known and whose adhesive power can therefore not be permanently guaranteed.
Attention: Despite any other listing of product contents found hereon, the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this product consists of 99.9999999999% empty space.
Please Note: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when the consumer is not directly observing this product, it may cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state.
Component Equivalency Notice: The subatomic particles (electrons, protons, etc.) comprising this product are exactly the same in every measurable respect as those used in the products of other manufacturers, and no claim to the contrary may legitimately be expressed or implied.
Health Warning: Care should be taken when lifting this product, since its weight is dependent on its velocity relative to the user.
Important Notice to Purchasers: The entire physical universe, including this product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed.
(Gently borrowed from http://www.jumbojoke.com/product_warnin ... cists.html)
"To create more positive results in your life, replace 'if only' with 'next time'." — Author Unknown
"Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward." — Vernon Law
"Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward." — Vernon Law
-
SciFiFisher - Redneck Geek
- Posts: 4889
- Joined: Mon May 27, 2013 5:01 pm
- Location: Sacramento CA
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Sigma_Orionis - Resident Oppressed Latino
- Posts: 4496
- Joined: Mon May 27, 2013 2:19 am
- Location: The "Glorious Socialist" Land of Chavez
Re: Jokes
by Swift » Tue Apr 12, 2016 2:50 pm
Don't get it? Sing it.....
Never, ever forget: we did this. This is what we can do.
In wilderness is the preservation of the world. - Henry David Thoreau
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
In wilderness is the preservation of the world. - Henry David Thoreau
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
-
Swift - Posts: 2353
- Joined: Wed May 29, 2013 2:40 am
- Location: At my keyboard
Re: Jokes
by Sigma_Orionis » Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:01 pm
The Police ain't gonna be happy with that
Sic Transit Gloria Mundi
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Sigma_Orionis - Resident Oppressed Latino
- Posts: 4496
- Joined: Mon May 27, 2013 2:19 am
- Location: The "Glorious Socialist" Land of Chavez
Re: Jokes
by Swift » Wed Jun 15, 2016 9:10 pm
I invented a new word this morning....
skittle - a skittish kitty
skittle - a skittish kitty
Never, ever forget: we did this. This is what we can do.
In wilderness is the preservation of the world. - Henry David Thoreau
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
In wilderness is the preservation of the world. - Henry David Thoreau
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
-
Swift - Posts: 2353
- Joined: Wed May 29, 2013 2:40 am
- Location: At my keyboard
Re: Jokes
by Swift » Thu Aug 04, 2016 6:15 pm
A dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender "A pint of beer please".
The bartender goes, "Wow, that's amazing, you should join the circus"
The dog replies, "Why? Do they need electricians?"
The bartender goes, "Wow, that's amazing, you should join the circus"
The dog replies, "Why? Do they need electricians?"
Never, ever forget: we did this. This is what we can do.
In wilderness is the preservation of the world. - Henry David Thoreau
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
In wilderness is the preservation of the world. - Henry David Thoreau
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
-
Swift - Posts: 2353
- Joined: Wed May 29, 2013 2:40 am
- Location: At my keyboard
78 posts
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