XOF News

[grapes]

DRONES VS. DRONES, Obama declares war on journalists

ZUCKERBERG UN-LIKES NASDAQ, Penalty is considered many times worse than $10 million fine

RECIPES: VEAL CICADA; Best ways to serve ricin; and other favorite delicacies

MOVE OVER TEQUILA, CHINESE FIREWATER HEADS TO US
http://www.denverpost.com/entertainment ... r-heads-us

"I thought it tasted like paint-thinner and felt like a liquid lobotomy," said Michael Pareles, manager at the U.S. Meat Export Federation in Beijing. "However, like many other things in China, I eventually grew to like it."

[grapes]

COFFEE MADE WITH TOILET WATER, Starbucks re-affirms dedication to recycling efforts

ZUMBA EXPLORES GROWTH OPPORTUNITIES, "prostitution no longer a viable model"

MEDICARE TRUST FUND TO LAST TWO MORE YEARS THAN EXPECTED, older recipients relieved, they planned to die by 2025 anyway

GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE ASTEROID MISSES EARTH, wishes they could get together more often

ACADEMIE FRANCAISE SAYS NO TO "GALOCHER", but will consider rapports anaux

JAMES TAYLOR SAYS BOMBINGS "UN-BOSTON", more like New York or London

[grapes]

NEWS ORGANIZATIONS WIN PUBLIC SAFETY AWARDS

(Oklahoma) National news affiliates radio station WHAT and television station WEVR have been honored by the public safety monitoring group GOTCHA (Global Organization To Create Hazard Awareness), for their nimble responses to breaking news of local tragedies. Immediately after the Moore, OK, tornado, they were able to quickly publicize the isolated incidents of terrified citizens who were able to flee the tornado by getting in cars and outrunning the storm. After yesterday's storms, they were just as quickly able to report on the vast gridlock of tens of thousands of motorists who took to the roads to escape, but found themselves stopped motionless in the path of the tornado. GOTCHA plans to make the award as soon as possible, before the next storm again changes public perception of the best way to avoid danger.

[grapes]

SECRET ADMINISTRATION EMAIL ACCOUNTS

Reports that senior administration officials have set-up secret email accounts to circumvent Freedom of Information requests are unfounded, says a senior administration official. The only reason the accounts have been kept secret is the names of the email addresses, which indicate an embarrassingly low level of humor. FailToTheChief@hotmail.com was used by White House Chief of Staff Denis McDonough to access his Starbucks star rewards program. Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius's had two, HealAndToo345@yahoo.com which was used to receive the voluminous Medicare legislative alerts, and SebeBabe496@mates.ru which use is still a mystery. The official said further inquiries could be directed to CircleFile@whitehouse.gov.

[grapes]

NSA OFFENSIVE

James Clapper, US Director of National Intelligence, defended his comment in March about the National Security Agency: "There are cases where they could, inadvertently perhaps, collect [any type of data at all on millions or hundreds of millions of Americans]—but not wittingly," and even went on the offensive. He criticized the newpapers that revealed the existence of a program that allowed the NSA to amass telephone records of millions of Verizon customers over the last seven years. "How dare The Guardian and the Washington Post snoop into our private information channels and reveal our inner workings! They are violating a whole raft of privacy laws, and I aim to get to the bottom of this." Clapper brushed off a question by a reporter asking about the definition of "wittingly".

Clapper's news conference was momentarily delayed. The lights went out just as he was announced, but they were quickly restored.

http://www.nationaljournal.com/whitehou ... g-20130606

[grapes]

CHINA ACQUIRES GIANT US PORK PRODUCER, new types of barbeque feared

OBAMA: "WE'RE NOT LISTENING TO YOUR PHONE CALLS", poor connections will be improved

MY LITTLE PONY FAN-FIC GOES VIRAL, credit new emphasis on sex and guns

THRIFT SHOP INSPIRES PARIS COUTURE, all current offerings will be pre-worn, "that's going to be expensive, but the cachet will be worth it," says industry rep

[grapes]

U.S. Social Security Administration Announces New Early Retirement Age: 22

On Friday, the United States Social Security Administration announced plans to rapidly phase in a new early retirement age, which could be 22 in some special cases. A senior SSA official said, "After years of review, we've decided this is the most workable plan. College graduates today face uncertain prospects, and many immediately move onto the unemployment roles. By offering lower retirement age options, we can reduce the US unemployment numbers while increasing that of the leisure class. The international economic rating of the US will almost certainly go up--and the tip in the balance of trade will probably pay for the entire program in twenty years." Other organizations have been brought on board, in an attempt to make the option more attractive. The AARP will change their name to the American Association of Relaxed People, and the national chain of Go-tirement Homes are installing skate ramps next to their existing lawn bowling pitches.

[cid]

22?!?!?!?!?

I'm 61 and out of work, currently a full time college student.

I want a rebate...

[grapes]

KARDASHIAN GIVES BIRTH, spawn is not demon baby

TIGER WOODS AND LINDSEY VONN UNVEIL NEW ENTERPRISE, slalom golf

WORLD'S LAST TELEGRAPH IS SENT, requests money from parents

IRAN ELECTS MODERATE ROUHANI AS PRESIDENT, he decries USA as so-so satan

OCCUPY PROTESTS MOVE INTO TURKEY, still not certain what they want exactly

[grapes]

XOF Ombudsman, Office of the Ombudsman:

XOF apologizes to the My Little Pony trademark holders for publicizing alternative fiction that exploits their proprietary characters. We share their outrage that such amusing and titillating literature exists, no matter how well done. Readers may also lodge their protests at www.mylargepony.ru

Last edition, XOF reported on the birth of Kim Kardashian's baby. We said "spawn is not demon baby." XOF regrets the error.

[Swift]

KARDASHIAN GIVES BIRTH, spawn is not demon baby

No, that's mom's job.

[grapes]

AMA RECOGNIZES DISEASE STATES

In Chicago on Tuesday, the American Medical Association's House of Delegates approved a measure to recognize obesity as a disease state. That does not affect the International Classification of Disease ( http://www.who.int/classifications/icd/en/ ), which already covers certain categories of obesity, but it does serve to bring it to the attention of American doctors and lawyers who have ignored it long enough. In addition, the measure recognized the conditions of high-intelligence (symptoms: irritated familial members, slighted friends, and over-bearing social interactions, as well as stubborn adherence to personal prejudices) and low-intelligence (symptoms: strained mentor relationships, mechanical malfunctions, overdose from mis-read prescriptions, and frustrated bank clerks), allowing suffers to receive medical advice from American professionals. The AMA tabled and left open the possibility of recognizing the condition of average-intelligence as a disease, citing controversy among their membership.

[SciFi Chick]

AMA RECOGNIZES DISEASE STATES

In Chicago on Tuesday, the American Medical Association's House of Delegates approved a measure to recognize obesity as a disease state. That does not affect the International Classification of Disease ( http://www.who.int/classifications/icd/en/ ), which already covers certain categories of obesity, but it does serve to bring it to the attention of American doctors and lawyers who have ignored it long enough. In addition, the measure recognized the conditions of high-intelligence (symptoms: irritated familial members, slighted friends, and over-bearing social interactions, as well as stubborn adherence to personal prejudices) and low-intelligence (symptoms: strained mentor relationships, mechanical malfunctions, overdose from mis-read prescriptions, and frustrated bank clerks), allowing suffers to receive medical advice from American professionals. The AMA tabled and left open the possibility of recognizing the condition of average-intelligence as a disease, citing controversy among their membership.

I'm reading a "fiction" book in which the APA has established love as a disease.

[FZR1KG]

You're sick hon.

[SciFi Chick]

You're sick hon.

And I don't want to be cured.

[grapes]

PROGRESS IN MID EAST TALKS, says Secretary of State Clinton, oops, I mean Kerry

US ELECTORAL COLLEGE TO BE REVAMPED, will be modeled after reality TV shows

ANOTHER BANK OF AMERICA VANDALISM, perp wrote "wash me" with finger on dirty window, faces 13 years prison time

ACRONYM EXPANDS TO LGBTFC, furries excited about entry to 'big tent', celibates not so much

COLORADO SUPPORTS IMMIGRATION REFORM, ag sector calls it 'pot' of gold

http://django.medianewsgroup.com/mobile ... i_23572712

[cid]

ACRONYM EXPANDS TO LGBTFC, furries excited about entry to 'big tent', celibates not so much.

Wonder what the church's position is on this?















I'm guessing modified missionary...

[grapes]

Great Britain's Home Secretary Theresa May has asked for the radical Islamist organisation Boko Haram to be banned under terrorism laws.  As part of its in-depth reportage, XOF will explain what all this means.

Boko Haram means "western education is sinful (and all adherents deserve enduring death)".  You can't type it into Google Translate, however, because it's an amalgam of a couple languages.  It's a nickname for جماعة اهل السنة للدعوة والجهاد , which is translated as "People Committed to the Propagation of the Prophet's Teachings and Jihad".  Haram is perfectly good Arabic ( مذنب )for "sinful," but Boko is a Hausa word for "alphabet", derived from the English "book".  It could just as easily have come from "bok" which in Afrikaans means "goat" ("springbok"), or in Turkish means "shit", and a similar ultimate meaning would derive.  An easy mnemonic then is a *backwards* "harem book," which kinda all makes sense, when you think about it, right?  A Boko Haram group recently burned a school and slaughtered the children.

http://m.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-13809501
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boko_Haram

[Sigma_Orionis]

You sir, ain't right in the head

[SciFiFisher]

While in Korea Boko Haram is a really tasty fried rice with an egg on top. It's served by at least 4 Korean women at the same time.

[grapes]

WILLIAM ANNOUNCES HIS CHOICE FOR BABY NAME: "KING", once had a German Shepard with that name, Kate considering it

KTVU SAN FRANCISCO AIRS FAKE ASIANA PILOT NAMES, some young guy at station responsible

MICROGARDENS ARE BIG, latest innovation is growing plants in your ears, just like your mamma said

ZIMMERMANN SIGNS CONTRACT FOR BOOK: "IF I DID IT TOO", doesn't expect to realize profits

COOKING: HOW MUCH ARSENIC IS TOO MUCH? Make our to-die-for apple pie

[FZR1KG]

Boko Haram's goal is to forbid any Westernisation and yet..."Boko Haram's trademark has been the use of gunmen on motorbikes, killing police, politicians and anyone who criticises it, including clerics from other Muslim traditions and a Christian preacher."

Boko Haram's leader has an epiphany and realises that he and all his members are western loving hypocrites and issues jihad on itself.
Group is expected to self implode shortly.

[cid]

Boko Haram's colors have been seen displayed in areas they are seeking to dominate.
A spray-painted amorphous blob, the colors have been described as a whiter shade of pa---sorry,
that's Procul Harum...never mind...

[grapes]

FICTION STRANGER THAN FACT, BUT BARELY

A man parked outside of John Kerry's house was arrested tomorrow. He was seen taking pictures of the secretary's house, but he was in a no-parking zone, and he was asked to move by authorities. He objected, saying that he had been drinking, and couldn't safely operate the vehicle, even though no container of alcohol was visible. The driver was asked to contact a friend, and ask them to come drive the vehicle, but when he called his friend, a cell phone in the trunk started ringing. The driver said he remembered his friend had climbed in the trunk, sometime the previous week. The authorities had him open the trunk, and they found a dead body, and a half empty case of beer. The driver grabbed one of the cans of beer and started drinking it, and they arrested him for violating the city's open container law. The friend had been reported missing last month. The driver admitted, after being arrested, that he and another friend were casing the neighborhood looking for a place to dispose of the body. The other friend was found alive, stuck at the bottom of a narrow chimney near the rear of the Kerry house. His clothes were on the roof, along with two empty cans of beer. He'd shed his bulky clothing to investigate the chimney. While stuck at the bottom, he overheard phone conversations that described the details of the NSA Prism, and access details of two large off-shore money transactions. After talking with Kerry, the police let them go after they both promised to stay in the country for the next four weeks.

http://m.usatoday.com/article/news/2516901

[Sigma_Orionis]

BTW the Real Boko Haram is just slightly less kooky and quite bloodier than grape's version.