XOF News

[grapes]

XOF ENDTIMES






UNITED AIRLINES TOSSES RHAPSODY IN BLUE, new theme is Just A Song Before I Go

USA ACCIDENTALLY BOMBS SERBIA, anyone can make a mistake

ENTIRE STATE OF NORTH CAROLINA FLUNKS CITIZENSHIP EXAM, all sports teams have to join SEC

CROWDS SHOUT DOWN APPEALS TO LOGIC AND REASON, we don't have time for this

NEPTUNE DECIDES TO LEAVE SOLAR SYSTEM, fuck this shit, wait for me, Pluto

[Sigma_Orionis]

[grapes]

XOF Standard Practices





Since we have been allowing interview reporters to use "graphs" instead of "paragraphs", the committee will allow "tits" as verbal shorthand for "titles" but only if it is pronounced the same as "tights". Neither usage shall appear in print.

Avoid the locution "ICE has" (as in, "ICE has abused another child"), because of its aural similarity to "ISIS", and the potential for confusion. "ISIS has abused another child" is OK.

The correct spelling of the contraction of "you all" is "y'all", except when pandering to Texans, some of whom insist on their own unique and execrable style. I'm not actually going to write it here.

Remember folks! Refrain from punching USAn politicians. Unless you are strictly print media.

[grapes]

XOF Pit and the Pendulum



http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-india-39672453

So, this is what it has come to. The dread hieroglyphics of the law profession have appeared to have swung completely out, and have started on a backswing. Popular opinion has had enough of the verbal gymnastics, and are calling out judges (at least, in India) for such ridiculousness. Unfortunately, the last sentence of that article is a glimpse of what will comprise the next legal verbiage horror stories:

Meanwhile, at least one High Court judge in England has listened to calls to simplify the language used in judgments.

Justice Peter Jackson published a simply-worded ruling last year in a family court case so it could be understood by the children affected by it.

He even used an emoji.

Shudder.

[grapes]

XOF OBITS






"ooolo99ikl;i.,pyknulmmmmmmmmm 111"

$%#+***#?$&!!?%

[Thumper]

Rejected by 121 publishers, it eventually sold over 5,000,000 copies.
RIP.

[grapes]

Strongly suggested reading in my graduate topology course.

I dunno either, but I read it

[vendic]

In an attempt to not be caught last with a news story, XOF editors are writing alternate ending headlines to news stories.

We've got our test case at this point, and have two different headlines depending on what the SCOTUS ruling in June.

"Trump revokes woman's citizenship and deports her for fibbing!!!"

or

"Trump rewards war crime perpetrator Maslenjak for committing mass murder of Muslims with honorary citizenship for himself and family!!!"

It was a difficult assignment and we weren't sure if we could triumph. It certainly could go either way, but I think we have a compromised on a fair and balanced way of reporting each possibility, with complete truth and integrity that we are renowned for.

[SciFi Chick]

[Thumper]

Putin abruptly resigns from Trump's re election campaign.

[vendic]

lol

[grapes]

XOF APP





XOF is releasing a new app for the iPhone 4: Fifty Shades of Greyball, with it we'll be able to track your personal preferences in faux news, anticipate your whereabouts, divine your innermost secrets, and successfully pitch you the latest and most expensive internet-crazy baubles. And, it reports the nearest refuge shelter, even if you happen to be in one. How have you lived without it? Download yours today, free at the app store.

Hey, don't do that!

[grapes]

XOF IN THE AIR








VAST IMPLICATIONS OF FRENCH PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, sixty is sexy again

REFUGEE PROBLEM SOLVED, airbnb vacancies sufficient to hold overflow, cheaper alternative

AIR-UHAUL BUSINESS EXPLODES

PHILOSOPHY REALITY SHOW AIRS, said to be first without danger of copycat programming

STUDENT ATTENDS PUBLIC SCHOOL IN BOSTON, says she likes it!

[grapes]

XOF Plain Vanilla Version





Edmund Hillary Rodham to marry Caitlyn Jenner, says"'I'm glad that's finally over."

J. K. Rowling promises new character revelations about TOS, building buzz for Hogwarts TNG

Sad, lonely, old man in Montana reflects on empty life, "at least, I lived in Montana."

China selling low-price meat to USA in exchange for coal, brands are Taiping and Tombstone

Trump shocked that Comey took notes of February meeting, "what is that, 1960?!"

[grapes]

XOF late breaking





We've just learned from our source in the White House that Donald Trump removed all staff, and in a clandestine private session late into the evening met with social maven, Apprentice host, and prison expert Martha Stewart. Our source reports that the meeting was punctuated by several high-pitched screams and loud crashes. Later, the White House kitchen sent up egg salad and chocolate truffles. She exited with Trump through the secret passageway which existence was revealed in the movie Dave, saying "Sorry, he just doesn't fit in." She wore a mauve sheath, Trump was wearing a white dress shirt, flecked with red.

[grapes]

XOF NEWS




After months of searching for ways to finance his border wall, after Mexico, surprisingly, declined to foot the bill, The Donald has found a way. One of his first attempts, making the wall a solar collector, proved unworkable--since the border is between latitudes 33 (Yuma) and 26 (Brownsville), not far from the Tropic of Cancer at 23.5 (the northern-most reach of the sun), the solar panels would be nearly flat. Although Trump pointed out you could still put a few collectors on top of the wall, no one seemed as excited about it as they once were. Instead, by executive order, all sex work in the USA has been re-zoned to the border, and it will be called the Borderlow. The American side of the wall is already 223 stories tall.

[grapes]

XOF TRANSCRIPT


McCain: Would you repeat that back?
Comey: I did not have sex with that man
Trump: Well, I woulda
Comey: That man is you
McCain: Batman is huge? Yes
Trump: We're bigger than Batman
McCain: Don't bugger the fat man
Trump: Who me?
Comey: You old farts should just retire
McCain: It is past my bedtime, when are Diamondbacks on?
Comey: I meant, you should just quit, while you're ahead
Trump: I'm in it to win it
McCain: Just answer my one question
Comey: Which question?
McCain: The last question
Comey: When are the Diamondbacks on?
McCain: Yes
Comey: Last night
Trump: Thank God, I thought this would never be over

[grapes]

XOF International




Great Britain's negotiations for Brexit have been weakened as a result of the elections, and some of the details are still being worked out. Here are some that seem to have been finalized:

1) Great Britain will no longer be considered part of Europe for primary school quizzes, instead it will be a dwarf europe
2) Great Britain fisheries have exclusive rights to market their catch as "cod", european fisheries will use the term "codpieces"
3) Great Britain's membership fee will be prorated for the period, but it will lose its damage deposit.
4) Great Britain agrees to allow Disney Paris to move to GB, in exchange the EU will accept hundreds of destitute american expats who have been squatting in Trafalgar Square.
5) The westernmost (French) end of the Chunnel (the tunnel under the English Channel) will be known as a Funnel
6) The Calais Jungle will move to Great Britain
7) The NHS remains in public service, it had been threatened with privatization under the EU TTIP agreement
8 ) I'm going to quit now, this stuff is no longer funny

[code monkey]

XOF International




Great Britain's negotiations for Brexit have been weakened as a result of the elections, and some of the details are still being worked out. Here are some that seem to have been finalized:
...
5) The westernmost (French) end of the Chunnel (the tunnel under the English Channel) will be known as a Funnel

westernmost?

[grapes]

Obviously XUAF NEWS

[grapes]

XOF READERS DIGEST


https://forum.cosmoquest.org/showthread.php?165700-Ron-Howard-picks-up-the-reins-to-direct-Han-Solo-prequel&p=2411290#post2411290

Between that and Star Treks, aren't there any other ideas in Hollywood?

I tried.

Subhuman -- epic story of on-call non-contract fill-in teacher who teeters on the edge of going ballistic while endearing themselves to students, colleagues, parents, administrators, *and* the scheduler at the front desk

Geofizz -- hilarious comedy about four university geophysicists who juggle academic and research duties while walking the departmental political tightrope and operating a clandestine brewpub out of a basement research lab

Softpunk -- intense inspection of an underground retro culture that has managed to survive using only Windows 3.1, Word 2.0, and AutoCAD 3, while still maintaining a semblance of humanity

Lunation -- think, an aspiring country that's basically Tool Time on the moon, times a thousand, led by a sly corpulent congressperson whose personal mission is to get official recognition from incompetent terran bureaucrats

[Rommie]

I'm no Michael, but some friends and I were having fun making up email headlines on the lines of "Subject: Re: Russia - Clinton - private and confidential" and thought this was an appropriate place to share them:

"Subject: Re: Julius Caesar - March 15 - private and confidential"

"Subject: Re: Iran - Contras - private and confidential"

"Subject: Re: World Trade Center - 9/11 - private and confidential"

"Subject: Re: John F. Kennedy - Dealey Plaza - private and confidential"

"Subject: Re: Nixon - DNC break-in - private and confidential"

[vendic]

The DNC broke into Nixon's private stuff?
Those slimy fuckers!!!

[SciFiFisher]

The DNC broke into Nixon's private stuff?
Those slimy fuckers!!!

It was boring. The real fun is listening to LBJ. Especially when he orders pants.

[grapes]

XOF Book Swatch



There's Something About Hillary
by Bernie Sanders
In his "novelized" autobiography, Bernie cements his claim as America's octogenarian, and relates his favorite anecdotes from the 2014 presidential campaign, his teen years in the fifties, his 8 years as mayor of Burlington, and of course 16 years in the animal house of Burlington College. It ends with his appointment to the unexpired term of President Mike Pence, who resigned one month after assuming the presidency from a bored Donald Trump. His friendship with Teddy Roosevelt is highlighted, including their wrestling matches in hunting camp over who would get to lead the charge up San Juan Hill. Rollicking good Vermonter yarn!