michael

[Rommie]

Yep, me and my bf also met online (well, a dating app- times have changed even from ten years ago). Can vouch for it.

I’m sorry to hear you feel so lonely though.

[SciFi Chick]

Yep, me and my bf also met online (well, a dating app- times have changed even from ten years ago). Can vouch for it.

I either didn't realize that or forgot. So that's four happy couples, three of which have been together for longer than ten years.

[code monkey]

I know this is crazy, but have you considered online dating? pumpkinpi met her husband that way. Morrolan and his wife met online. Zee and I met online. It's something to consider. I'm happy to research them and find one that might suit you.

thank you for thinking of me. I belong to singles groups online and always mention you and z when people start griping about distances.

yes, I have but I find it frightening. I've heard so many horror stories. (yes, I know that anecdotes are not data.) I have a working mirror and i know what I look like. plain at best. even though I am now considerable lighter than I was when we last saw each other, no man is going to see me across a room and think 'what a nice-looking person. I really want to get to know her.' much less 'wow! I want to get my hands on her!' (on sundays I have breakfast with a group at the American legion. no man there has ever looked at me twice.) I dress carefully - even when it's just out to the pool for water aerobics and back home - and put on some makeup on the weekends.

this latest failure was with someone I met online in a discussion group. we were friends for many years. I guess I totally misinterpreted things done and said over the last few months. on a bright note, I still don't envy the friend who has taken up with a totally objectionable jerk so I guess I've not completely lost a sense of proportion.

but if you happen to know an unattached nice guy of mature age i'd really appreciate an introduction.

[Rommie]

So I definitely went on literally dozens of first dates while online dating. I *very* rarely went on a second date. It's just impossible to know from someone online if you'll click IRL until you actually meet is my experience- sometimes it's because someone is being deceptive about their looks or personality (I mean, I don't think I was, but I'm being charitable), or sometimes it's just no one's fault. But I grew experienced enough by the end of it to treat it as "I will not meet up with this person unless I think I will have a very enjoyable and interesting night even if nothing happens," and that worked well for me.

I will say though the advantage to online dating if done right is you already can filter for stuff. Like, I did my best to put realistic pictures of myself there (I mean obviously flattering ones, but realistic), so I didn't have to worry about if they found me attractive at first glance. Then I wasn't going to go for a smoker, so could filter that out too. All told, in some ways it's better than going to a bar with a bunch of random people and seeing what happens. We unfortunately can't all be as romantic as my brother meeting his wife on the train randomly one day.

[Thumper]

Or meeting in Mr. Sanders' 5th period Geography class in 7th grade.

I think what they're trying to say is keep trying. You might have a good time on one date, you might learn something. And maybe just maybe something more. But we're all encouraging you to keep at it and try to enjoy what does come from your efforts.

And stop selling yourself short. You chastise me when I do that to myself.

[code monkey]

Or meeting in Mr. Sanders' 5th period Geography class in 7th grade.

I think what they're trying to say is keep trying. You might have a good time on one date, you might learn something. And maybe just maybe something more. But we're all encouraging you to keep at it and try to enjoy what does come from your efforts.

And stop selling yourself short. You chastise me when I do that to myself.

well, 7th grade was a long time ago.

i do live in hope and keep trying. no mane has approached me. none of the people whom I've told that i'm interested in dating has had anyone suitable. single males included the schizophrenic brother who routinely went off his meds and the brother-in-law who had 1 place setting so that when they visited they had to bring their own plates and cutlery! as for those whom i approached, it was not easy to convey my interest in those men and it was downright painful to see that it was not reciprocated. not even on a friends basis. i know that all had been alone for several years, were not dating, were not hermits and were hetero. one of them *was* infatuated with someone else - younger, thinner, pretty - but she was not interested in him. and yes, he's still mooning over her. so what should i learn from this?

for some strange reason I've not been the least bit tempted to dive head-first into a vat of chocolate. strange but good. I've worked hard to get where i am and am trying to take more off. no, not thinking that if i only lose 10lbs i'll get someone. it's for me. and my love of shopping. there are wonderful thrift shops in town and I've set the rule not to buy any more clothing (unless it's incredible. (one must be reasonable.) until i go down another size. my closet is overfull.

i'm not selling myself short, thumper. i'm a realist. but thank you for seeing me with those rose-colored glasses.

[code monkey]

I would like to clarify something. it's been brought to my attention that i've given the impression that I promised Michael that I wouldn't remarry. nothing could be further from the truth.

shortly after Elliot's death we realized that we'd each been contemplating suicide. we established the scholarships and fund in his name as it became clear that those actions would be a far better tribute to our son. we promised each other that no matter what we would endure. Elliot's life had been snatched away. it would be an insult to him to take ours. the promise was to keep living.

[Thumper]

Thanks for sharing your intimate promises with us. For me, at least, it was always pretty clear even if you didn't spell it out for us. Michael was a smart, compassionate, wise gentleman. And he loved you and cherished you more than we will know. There's always hope that there is another smart soul out there with whom to share a close friendship.

[code monkey]

Thanks for sharing your intimate promises with us. For me, at least, it was always pretty clear even if you didn't spell it out for us. Michael was a smart, compassionate, wise gentleman. And he loved you and cherished you more than we will know. There's always hope that there is another smart soul out there with whom to share a close friendship.

you're very welcome, thumper. I couldn't leave the wrong impression of him. yes, he was all that and more. I'm not looking for a replacement; just a nice guy. while I hope, i'm a realist.

[grapes]

i am not going to say I know how you feel (I hate that line and it's a lie). I will say continue cultivating friendships. You are witty, smart as shit, generous and kind. Anyone would be blessed to have you in their life for a day, a month or years. Friends won't fill that hole, nor will hobbies, but they may help some.

Ditto

And, healing doesn't mean it disappears.

[code monkey]

i am not going to say I know how you feel (I hate that line and it's a lie). I will say continue cultivating friendships. You are witty, smart as shit, generous and kind. Anyone would be blessed to have you in their life for a day, a month or years. Friends won't fill that hole, nor will hobbies, but they may help some.

Ditto

And, healing doesn't mean it disappears.

thank you but not that witty and not that smart. Elliot and Michael were the smart, talented, creative ones. i'm the dull plodder who puts one foot in front of the other so that she doesn't fall on her face. yes, I try to be kind generous and cheerful because nobody wants to be around a sourpuss. but i'm so tired of pretending! so thank you for letting me let my hair down.

no, as I said to my cousin when, after the death of her father(my uncle), she asked me if the pain ever stopped. I told her that no, it never did but that it did get less sharp.

or, as joe biden said, in his 2012 memorial day address to a group of relatives of people who'd died in the service, there will come a time when you think about your father, mother, son, daughter, husband, wife ... and you'll laugh before you cry. I don't know when that day will come but I promise you that it will.

[code monkey]

So I definitely went on literally dozens of first dates while online dating. I *very* rarely went on a second date. It's just impossible to know from someone online if you'll click IRL until you actually meet is my experience- sometimes it's because someone is being deceptive about their looks or personality (I mean, I don't think I was, but I'm being charitable), or sometimes it's just no one's fault. But I grew experienced enough by the end of it to treat it as "I will not meet up with this person unless I think I will have a very enjoyable and interesting night even if nothing happens," and that worked well for me.

I will say though the advantage to online dating if done right is you already can filter for stuff. Like, I did my best to put realistic pictures of myself there (I mean obviously flattering ones, but realistic), so I didn't have to worry about if they found me attractive at first glance. Then I wasn't going to go for a smoker, so could filter that out too. All told, in some ways it's better than going to a bar with a bunch of random people and seeing what happens. We unfortunately can't all be as romantic as my brother meeting his wife on the train randomly one day.

rommie, the problem isn't bad first dates. it's no dates at all.

[SciFi Chick]

Please take this with the love and affection by which it's meant - if you call yourself a dull plodder one more time, you'll hear me screaming all the way from the East Coast. I know you personally. You are anything but a dull plodder. You are, in fact, witty. And you really are selling yourself short.

As for the difficulty in dating - I went through this for decades. I started getting interested in boys at the age of 12. None of them ever felt the same way. I was 18 before I got my first kiss, and not for lack of trying. But immediately - and I mean immediately - after that first kiss, the young man said, "This doesn't mean I'm interested in a relationship."

You speak of the old insanity cliche, something I tend to believe in. It doesn't apply to dating. You can try different ways of dating, but giving up is against the rules. You just have to take the knocks.

I was always a forward young woman, and I would tell boys and then men exactly how I felt. I got rejected 100% of the time. My first relationship was with a tabloid reporter. He's still a tabloid reporter to this day. I thought I was being judgmental by hating on all tabloid reporters, so I agreed to date him. It was a disaster. I wasn't even attracted to him, but I thought if I tried hard enough, I could be.

Second relationship was with a loser I met online who ended up coming out to California and making my life miserable. He thought I was rich. When he found out I wasn't, he was outta there really fast.

Third time was when I finally met Zee at the age of 34. I went through so much agony until that moment.

And I'm editing all the rejections, all the missteps, the wondering if I would ever meet someone. I had given up by the time I met Zee. I was going to go to graduate school in isolated Scotland and try to at least get some one night stands. But when I say I had given up, I never gave up on taking the risk. Every time I felt something for a man, I went for it, no matter how many times I got stomped on and rejected. No matter how many times I laid in the fetal position wanting to die, I recovered and I got out there again.

I'm not some sex symbol but I'm not ugly either. Neither are you. And it wasn't my looks that attracted my husband to me. It was my brain. Guess what drove most of the other men away. My brain. That, and the fact that I was always in it for a relationship, and I kept getting attracted to men who weren't interested in a commitment and they didn't want to lead me on.

So don't tell me that you're the problem. The reality is that you're special and it's hard. It's damn hard to find someone that is compatible. Don't give up!!! *hugs*

[code monkey]

Please take this with the love and affection by which it's meant - if you call yourself a dull plodder one more time, you'll hear me screaming all the way from the East Coast. I know you personally. You are anything but a dull plodder. You are, in fact, witty. And you really are selling yourself short. ...
*hugs*

thank you, sfc, but I've known people who really were witty, creative ... and I am not in their league. oh, I know that i'm not a total dolt but ...

no, I've not given up. however, I know that while anything's possible, the odds are against me. (if you gamble, don't bet the house on 'anything could happen'. in fact, if you're going to gamble, be the house.) I do hope. I keep reaching out. but none of the singles groups I belong to, none of the gatherings I've attended and none of the men I've approached has turned up any interest whatsoever. not even 'let's be friends'. this latest was a real blow. I know - fall down twice, get up three times.

so I've signed up with dating sites for the mature person. here are some of my matches:

1. a fellow who says that he has a slender body type. he *does* have more chins than a Chinese telephone directory.
2. another who says that he's 66(maybe 20 yrs ago) and is apparently not wearing clothing in his picture. thank heavens it wasn't full length.
3. and 1 with 3 children who's never been married. sorry but i'm a little prissy about that sort of thing.
but I live in hope.

I don't think that i'm ugly (although a kindergartener in Elliot's school once told me that I was funny-looking) but I know that i'm definitely not pretty. (btw, you, pumpkin pi and rommie are very pretty. I don't know what morolan's wife looks like.) I also know that once we know a person we don't see the physical self when we look at him/her. we see the inner being and our relationship to him/her. however, at first, the physical self is all that there is. no man is going to look at me and think 'I want to date her!' everyone I've dated was a friend first. including the 2 toxic relationships before Michael. (one of my big regrets is not having sent flowers to the one before Michael - he decided that he was in love with a 17yr old and dumped me.)

I try to be a good person. (the chaplains at the cancer centers might not agree.) i'm the toast of the town pool's changing room - you always make me smile! you're so understanding! you're so kind! I more than tithe, always have something for the food pantry collection barrel ..., have fulfilled several requests for knitted prosthetic breasts ... and the hats. I wish that I believed in heaven because maybe then I could hope for my reward if I got there.

thanks for letting me cry on your shoulders. i'd better get back to work.

[code monkey]

Thanks for sharing your intimate promises with us. For me, at least, it was always pretty clear even if you didn't spell it out for us. Michael was a smart, compassionate, wise gentleman. And he loved you and cherished you more than we will know. There's always hope that there is another smart soul out there with whom to share a close friendship.

hardly intimate, thumper. (those i'll never share.) i'm not ashamed of depression, despair or suicidal ideation.

[grapes]

... and the hats. I wish that I believed in heaven because maybe then I could hope for my reward if I got there.

And there's this

SamKnit01a.jpg

thanks for letting me cry on your shoulders. i'd better get back to work.

Just found out that "we're expecting" again. There's always hope.

[Thumper]

[code monkey]

SamKnit01a.jpg

Just found out that "we're expecting" again. There's always hope.

what a beautiful baby! and another on the way!! all the best and please let us know when the new arrival arrives so that i can start a sweater for him/her.

yes, one always hopes. however, one is also a realist. i do not focus on finding someone as that would be a pretty boring life and, most probably, a failure of one. i keep busy and make things a bit better for others and myself.

as one who works with statistics, please let me caution you. if you want to gamble, be the house. if that's out of the question, never bet it all on 'anything can happen' and never draw to an inside straight.

[SciFiFisher]

as one who works with statistics, please let me caution you. if you want to gamble, be the house. if that's out of the question, never bet it all on 'anything can happen' and never draw to an inside straight.

And that is why I still show up for work even when I buy a lottery ticket.

[code monkey]

And that is why I still show up for work even when I buy a lottery ticket.

oh, you'd show up for work even if you won the lottery. as would I. (since I don't play the lottery the odds of me winning are exactly 0 but it's the idea.)

[SciFiFisher]

And that is why I still show up for work even when I buy a lottery ticket.

oh, you'd show up for work even if you won the lottery. as would I. (since I don't play the lottery the odds of me winning are exactly 0 but it's the idea.)

You aren't wrong.

[code monkey]

fair warning – I’ve read this over and it’s a bit of a rant and a bit of a whine. i’m pretty far down and this isn’t pleasant reading so feel free to pass by; nothing here to see, folks. I’m not asking for solutions as there aren’t any.

In michael’s words, 6yrs ago today the darkness reached out and tore him away. 6 awful yrs. i don’t have the words to tell you just how miserable they’ve been. when i was growing up i never thought that i would marry much less have children. and then i did. rommie recently mused about how one can love. It can be overwhelming. and now i’m alone and i’ve lost my edge. i have to do everything by myself. nobody to share with. share the tasks or share the annoyance. while this would be the case had i never married, i had years of marriage to get used to having a partner. i’ve gotten soft. (all at once, my dentist, ophthalmologist and gynecologist are retiring! i’m also looking for a new cpa as my soon-to-be-former made a howling mess of returns that cost me a bundle and is not returning calls. my contractor isn’t returning calls or emails either.) yes, it all sounds trivial but it wears.

i’ll always remember something written by a member of a singles group that i belong to. he said that while he didn’t miss his ex-wife he did miss being married. he wrote about hearing a beautiful piece of music or a funny joke and then going home and sharing it with … nobody. and that’s the crux of the matter. nobody to share with. oh, sure i can post here or elsewhere and, more often than not there will be a reaction but it just isn’t the same as sharing with someone here. someone i can see and touch. someone whose life is entwined with mine. someone to share things with. thoughts. tasks. highs and lows. again, i’ll always remember the time i went storming in to the living room, spouting off about an email i’d just gotten from one of my sr stats. i went on and on about this new idiocy. i then said that i’d better start in on it and thanked michael. he hadn’t said a word during my entire tirade but, with that slightly baffled look on his face, said ‘anytime, dear’ and went back to writing. remember, he hadn't said a word. (he hadn't had a chance!) but having he there made a big difference there’s nobody there now. if I do something particularly clever or if something rotten has happened, there’s nobody to say encouraging things or nothing at all but just listen. sure, I can spout off but it's different. several months ago i was asked if i'd work on a new project. it was a new drug - a significant one - and I was very excited about it. that is until I discovered that the coordinator was someone i'd worked with in the past. it was on a new-to-me drug (each therapeutic unit at the company has its own way of doing things.) and he acted as though everything involving the work was a state secret that i couldn't be trusted with. it was like pulling teeth to get any information or guidance from him. to top it off, he explained that a delay in producing some analyses was due to it having taken me time to catch on! I soon discovered that he hadn't changed a bit and knew that I had to get out of this assignment or risk my professional reputation. i put together a method which did work. it was a long wait from the time i submitted it until approval. if only Michael had been with me - to bounce ideas around with, to tell me that it would all work out. sure, i was telling myself that but it's just not the same.

i don’t cry and I have found myself fighting back tears as I drag the groceries upstairs. i’m so tired of putting on that cheerful face and pretending. i want to smack the person who tells me that if it's meant to be(finding someone), it'll happen. (how's that for non-falsifiable?) my whole life seems like a pointless slog. my sister has demanded to know if i realize that i had 30yrs of something that many people never have. (she wanted to get married in the worst possible way and did.) i’ve told her that yes, i do but that it just makes it harder to be without it.

so, you lucky people with partners and family around you, go tell them that you realize just how lucky you are to have them. and the next time that you feel yourself getting angry with them don't. just don't.

why’d you leave me, michael?

[lady_*nix]

*offers cm hugs*

[code monkey]

:(

*offers cm hugs*

thank you.

and if you happen to know a nice guy who's not in a committed relationship and of mature age, i'd appreciate an introduction.

[pumpkinpi]

CM, we are lucky to have you here.
*hugs*