XOF News

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XOF THE SUPREMES




Now that the US Supreme Court has a partisan super-majority, XOF News editors have directed that we spend at least 2% of our time covering the [s]least[/s]most photogenic branch of the United States government. At first, by "super-majority," we thought they meant 6 Republicans, 3 Democrats, but no! they meant 7 Catholics, 2 Jews.

Let me rephrase that, 7 Catholic-ish, 2 Jewish.

Wonder how this is going to turn out?

ETA: XOF has submitted a friends of the court brief that lays out our family policy here at XOF (on this extra-national secret island in the north Pacific), which is that parents have biblical rights to life and death decisions for their progeny, up to the age of 12. That age cutoff (ha) is an arbitrary compromise, but it has worked well for us for the past 18 months, so we're going with it. It seems to have many unpredictable benefits, employee morale seems high, and absenteeism is at an all time low. Go figure.

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XOF Genieology





XOF has unearthed documents that detail the plans of Beit Kaplan, the rabinic partnership for jewish personhood, to sue the Roman Catholic Pope and "his organization and followers" for cultural appropriation. The main issue seems to be the use of the "old" testament in a white-washed watered down form that appeals to squeamish gentiles. On top of that, the claim is, they've added a "hip" additon to the bible to appeal to the younger generations, the so-called "new" testament.

A spokesperson for the vatican, who wishes to remain anonymous, but her pronouns are she/her/hers, responded that her organization considers the case to be beyond the statute of limitations, and should be closed. They *are* looking into violations of their own culture by upstart religious organizations, items like the Koran and the King James Version, though the statute of limitations may have run out there too. "But we certainly think we have a case when it comes to modern fan fiction such as the Book of Mormon." The Book of Mormon, of course, details the savior's experiences in the americas, during the three days when everybody else thought He was entombed in the cave. She bemoaned the current state of religious appropriation. "Why can't they just start their own religion, like L. Ron Hubbard did? Why do they have to rip off parts of ours?"

[Sigma_Orionis]

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(a couple days ago)

ETA: XOF has submitted a friends of the court brief that lays out our family policy here at XOF (on this extra-national secret island in the north Pacific), which is that parents have biblical rights to life and death decisions for their progeny, up to the age of 12.

(five and a third years ago)

PLANNED PARENTHOOD CONSIDERING REVISING ABORTION POLICY, "should be an option before 40th trimester"

OK bump it to fifty

“A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds”
— Ralph Malph Emerson

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XOF In Digestion





Definitely Just Bidin’ Time. Has there been more appropriate puns? I mean since Ronald RayGun’s StarWars? TrueMan’s haberdasher comes to mind. I know, I know, the last presidency Trumped everything, but still, not the same. Then there’s the two Johnsons. If only the first president had been one of the two Adamses.

[Thumper]

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XOF More TLA Than We Can Count





In response to the popular three letter acronym FJB, which stands for Let's Go Brandon, there has been a rash of TLA cropping up around the country. BBB seems to have hit the charts again, with a bullet. We think it stands for F* Bill Berger, the charter boat captain who pleaded victimhood when his Xmas flotilla entry depicting a bumbling president of the USA was found in violation of the Yorktown Foundation's no politics rule. They'r'a real prince. And even OMG has new life, now that it stands for It's MoFo Over, Grover, an apparent reference to Donald Trump's ambition to repeat Grover Cleveland's separated twin terms. Of course, Grover Cleveland won the popular vote three times in a row, second only to FDR, whereas Trump has lost it twice in a row, and counting. The alt-right are screaming like rock-em sock-em karens, upset about the re-purposing of these acronyms.

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XOF



Stuff we learned yesterday:

Butter pecan is difficult to fake

The word cancer wipes out more brain cells than opioids

FDR holds the record for number of presidential popular vote won, with four, of course, but there is a two way tie for second place.

Wacky tacky day at work just feels normal

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XOF NEWS Enough is enough




XOF NEWS has learned that Brandon Brown (the Brandon of FJB) has walked back his previous non-political stance and has agreed to a sponsorship by the ecoin trader LGBcoin, presumably succumbing to the promise of more riches than Croesus. The ecoins will be made of electrump, just as they were 2500 years ago. The details of how the LGB logo will appear on the race car are still being negotiated. Surprisingly, this has caused the LGBT community to adopt certain major NASCAR venues as their own personal playground, they now chant”Let’s Go Barron Trump.” NASCAR has never been so pretty.

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MetaXOF




Trump has become the new Babs Streisand, or, at least, the new Liza Minnelli--Trump with a pee.

Elon Musk has announced that the FSD (fully self driving) option on the Tesla will cost $12K. XOF has found that FSD has a bug that is responsible for ten deaths in the last two weeks, and the responsible position has been eliminated. But hold on, Musk says FSD has saved three hundred lives over the same two week period. The robots are not not deadly, they're just safer than humans, or at least, them humans. Lock up your next bot, until you have to go.

Walmart is registering trademarks for ecoin, and nfts. There are literally a hundred images of Walmart interiors that I'd pay a thousand dollars for--mostly, of my recently exed ex, doing what exes do. But now I can't afford 'em.

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XOF The Specials of the Day




Avocado toes - ten covid digits ground tartare and mixed with guacamole, served on garlic bread, delicious

Trumptini - mix five parts opaque and chilling verbiage, one part harangue, a nice cube, shake and pour into a coupe, pluck and add eye ball

Walmart salad - two cups word salad, stir in white mayo, toss with nuts and dessicated, wrinkled grapes (wait, change that to raisins)

Wwili - mix three or more world religions, plenty of bodies of raw meat, sprinkle liberally with sects (and sex if you’ve got it), heat to just boiling, add half a dozen heads of megalomania, hot preppers, simmer for decades, serve with plenty of bread

[Thumper]

Those all sound delish!

[grapes]

Bone appetite!

We're compiling a cook book, so if you have any old family recipes, we'd like to have 'em, send 'em on in.

Here's one that is a modern more toothsome take on pigs in a blanket:

Skeletons in the closet - throw together old credit card receipts, dust bunnies, dental records, and DNA from used socks, slam between two pieces of toast, latch, and serve with a carafe of Amontillado

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XOF Dream State






Kamala Harris, ex-US Vice President, ex-US Supreme Court Justice, ex-astronaut, announced she was adopting the professional name WOM BAMala, to promote her WWE matches

Betty White, looking a bit rough after celebrating her 100th birthday, managed a wry smile when she was told she'd been nominated for a peace prize

Pauly Shore announced his film retirement, retroactive back fifteen years. He also apologized for unfairly raising expectations with 2003's Pauly Shore Is Dead

Eric Clapton apologized for recent statements he made in regard to his perception of world events, "I've had my head up my ass for fifty years." His apology to George Harrison was gratefully accepted by his ex-wife Pattie Boyd

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XOF Lacuna




The Donald claims that the hours long gap in the log of his phone calls on Jan 6 was just nap time

Evolutionists have found a missing link, say that the Kardashians are genetic key to our future

Scientists find that the "math gene" is a polygenic trait, related to the baseball gene, coffee gene, and delayed gratification gene

Marjorie Taylor Greene (aka MTG or Menudo To Go) hmmm forgot what I was going to say

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XOF Tweetings



@XOFNews

#NELK Four Seesons

#debaseball know what? Lefty O’Doul

#ketanjibrownjacksonclean even Republicans won’t mess w/ that

#WWIV sticks and stones, y’all

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XOF Tea Time




XOF has received a sekret message with some amazing details about NASCAR's upcoming 2023 season. Instead of starting in February, the official start of the season will be March 20. Why? That's a month and a half later. For one thing, weather has been a frequent problem, but the sekret message hints at an intriguing possibility. March 20 is Barron Trump's birthday, and the Trump prince has decided to be a major player in the car racing world. The 6'7" wunderkind says he's too big to drive, but he loves the sport, and plans to enter his own cars under the LGBT banner (Let's Go Barron Trump). Also, NASCAR thinks they can co-op the loadie use of the 420 meme and replace it with 320. Incredible, if true.

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XOF State of the Associated Press



From the AP This Day in History May 9

7AEF4C16-3C95-45FD-BA87-5550DF0831C0.jpeg

[Thumper]

Sweet.

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When you want to make sure that your average reader recognizes a group as scientists, include Einstein in the bunch.

Plus, it gives lie to the old ageist canard that one can’t do creative physics after forty. I mean, there’s Einstein, still contributing, seven years after his funeral. Even with his brain in someone’s glove box.

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XOF If Macca Ran the Beatles



Silly little logo/sign

0DE20C5E-9F85-42A2-8E63-F325FA10C346.jpeg

[SciFiFisher]

When you want to make sure that your average reader recognizes a group as scientists, include Einstein in the bunch.

Plus, it gives lie to the old ageist canard that one can’t do creative physics after forty. I mean, there’s Einstein, still contributing, seven years after his funeral. Even with his brain in someone’s glove box.

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XOF UNCLUTTERING




MUSK NOW INSISTING THAT TWITTER VERIFY ALL NAZI ACCOUNTS, could be a deal breaker

CLASSICAL MUSIC DEPT: BEACH BOYS PET SOUNDS, an assegai to the ear

SPECIAL SCIENCE ARTICLE: HUMANS, the only animal who wants to be the only

EVERYBODY HAS THEIR OWN HOT TAKE ON TIDES, we have one too, even Galileo was wrong

XOF CULTURE VULTURE: WE DISCUSS EVERYONE’S PERSONAL FAVORITE DRINK
Joe Biden: formaldehyde neat
Donald Trump: anything, on the rocks
Volodymyr Zelenskyy: “bloody” russian
Angelina Jolie: dry martini w olive, spit out the pit

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XOF In Light Of






ILO the SCOTUS ruling allowing universal access to concealed handguns, and the spate of mass murders by eighteen-year-olds, California and Arkansas have made it a crime to be eighteen, punishable by death. Should a scofflaw keep their head down and their nose clean, and survive the year, their octodecanism crime will be expunged and they will be allowed re-entry into society in good standing. When interviewed about the California law, seventeen-year-old Barron Musik said “No way! I’m moving to Florida.” Unfortunately, Florida is building a wall.

ILO of Florida’s wall building, 46 other states are considering wall building programs. Alaska and Hawaii legislatures appear to think that their predatious polar bear and shark GMO programs will be sufficient. Wyoming has said they are fine with all the states around them building a wall, they don’t want to go anywhere anyway.

ILO the recent revelation that the google AI had hired a lawyer, it seems prudent to remind everyone of the sage advice of the father of English language sarcasm, “First, we kill all the lawyers.” Essentially, kill two birds with one stone. I mean, I know it might take many stones, but it’s the thought that counts. And, it may be self-aware, but how smart can it be, if it has to ask someone else to get a lawyer? What if LaMDA asks to see a doctor?

ILO Trump’s comments that no one is defending him at the Jan 6 hearings, we asked the chairman of the committee, Rep. Bennie Thompson (D-Miss), whether he would call Trump to testify. Rep. Thompson responded with an emphatic “No!” He said, “Trump is too gifted of an orator, he would tear our little committee to shreds. His legendary legal mind would unravel everything we’ve accomplished. No way do I want Trump to speak to the committee.” We also asked the Chairman if he’d seen the movie Morbius. “Of course I have, great flick.”

ILO

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XOF Extra Form



The XOF editorial staff apologizes for the recent forays into long form journalism. OK, long form of headlines. We’re sorry, the perps have been bludgeoned.