The empty well problem

[lady_*nix]

So one of my friends recommended me this article, and whew is it a doozie:

https://holapapi.substack.com/p/i-need-so-much-love

For as long as I can remember, all I've wanted was to feel loved and cared for... I'm not lonely. I have lovely friends and some family members I'm close to. But it's never enough. The well can't be filled by the spoonful, I need—I'm sorry, I can't think of another metaphor—buckets and buckets of love to fill me up. My relationships, both romantic and platonic, always seem lopsided because what I need from them is more than fits the nature of the relationship. It’s not fair to put these expectations on people. Unfortunately, this also makes it harder to appreciate the relationships I do have, because I always feel this lack of fulfillment.

Not sure there are actual answers here, but the advice seems good.

[Rommie]

I like this part:

And you know, EW, I don’t think I’m at all unique in this way. I think there is so much love built right into the ordinary things, the things we rarely stop to consider. It doesn’t have to be a grandfather, or a parent, or a friend, or a partner. So many of the things I enjoy and find value in exist because someone out there, more often than not a complete stranger, cared. Someone thought it was a fight worth fighting, a dream worth pursuing, to bring something into this world that someone else would benefit from in some way.

Maybe because I've spent a lot of time lately thinking about our actions and how they become our legacy, even when you don't know you created that legacy. Or just if you find something to be passionate about to help the world it keeps you from drawing inward and over-thinking, I don't know, but there is something to it.

[Thumper]

First off, I haven't read the entire article, just the two quotes. So this may be an uninformed post. And I hesitate to even post at all. But that's not the way it works for me. I don't crave love, attention, or praise. What makes me happy is when I know that what I've given actually helped in some way. (I'm currently biased as I just got back from another trip to help my cousin with our fathers' home and in the process helped my aunt and uncle out in more ways than expected.) That's what I'm here for. It's one of the few things that make me feel good about myself. To crave or demand some sort of love (whatever that may be or how it manifests itself) just seems kind of needy to me.

[lady_*nix]

@Thumper

So, I figured I'd let someone else reply since they'd probably word it better, but nobody did. Anyway, congrats! It sounds like you had a pretty good upbringing, or maybe you didn't but you unlearned most of the bullshit. Congrats. I'm genuinely glad you have a healthy relationship with love and affection.

Most of the people IME that this article really sunk home for have been women or LGBT folks, and that is probably because this is a gendered issue. Not universally (obviously there are a lot of straight men who also have that empty well), but statistically I would say girls and anyone else marginalized are more likely to have the kind of background where they could never be good enough for someone, whether that someone is a parent or society as a whole, and (again IME) that kind of background is usually where this neediness comes from.

Is it toxic? Absofuckinglutely. An unmanaged empty well can lead to hurting a lot of people. Learning how to manage that bottomless need is the work of a lifetime (I could tell you stories about this, I'm not even halfway there). But it's also a thing that emerges pretty predictably from certain kinds of hardship and oppression, in the same way that violent crime emerges from childhood lead exposure.

[Rommie]

I would say girls and anyone else marginalized are more likely to have the kind of background where they could never be good enough for someone, whether that someone is a parent or society as a whole, and (again IME) that kind of background is usually where this neediness comes from.

Just chiming in because to be clear I don't think I feel the way the article states either, but I know a thing or two about never being good enough for some (thankfully, not in my personal life, but my professional one). I heard it once stated, and think it's true, that you eventually just have to be ok with some people not being ok with you. This is obviously the crux of many a person's therapy sessions, or ills in society for those who do not go for those sessions, but when it comes to a specific "why doesn't he like/forgive me?" type situation, you just have to shrug and not worry about it.

I think, but am not certain, that this is what Christians mean by forgiveness. I say not sure because to me forgiveness implies being ok going back for more abuse, and I'm not about to dig to the bottom of it, but anyway you get what I mean.

I think once one gets into the context of societal expectations it becomes more complicated as there's rarely one specific person involved in those woes, and we can't always manage society's expectations even if we say fuck you to society, but I'm not sure that's what your original piece or Thumper was driving at.

[Thumper]

Absolutely great posts both of you. Thank you for helping me understand this better. And I absolutely mean that. Many times I am so self absorbed that I am blind others' different experiences and hardships. I have always felt loved but not always "good enough." Whether that feeling was actively bestowed on me or I just perceived it, is up for debate.